A myth finally revealed
As it has just crept round to the 23rd here I thought that I’d get the celebrations going as soon as possible. But what’s this I hear you ask, just what is the daft warlock celebrating? Well if you don’t know what the 23rd of April is then fear not for at last the truth can finally be revealed about one of the greatest myths as Mr. Warlock and Teddy feature in…..A Warlock Court in Time.
Having perpetual car problem, Mr. Warlock and Teddy his trusty (????) familiar, have been forced to teleport to Milton Keynes. As posters at the old UPN bronze will no doubt recall, Mr Warlock's teleporting skills often leave much to be desired. However, The Fates seem to have taken an unexpected interest in this little jaunt and have provided an unexpected diversion.
Teddy: Well...if this is Milton Keynes I don't reckon much to it. There doesn't look like there is anything to do. It's just empty and lifeless...
The little teddy bear surveys his environs which appears to be wooded area encasing a small open field. Behind the teddy bear a slightly groggy looking Mr. Warlock catches a few seconds respite leaning against a nearby tree
Mr Warlock: Somehow I don't think that this is Milton Keynes
Teddy: What makes you say that? What's Milton Keynes like?
Mr Warlock: Nothing to do, empty and lifeless...but that's not the point. This isn't Milton Keynes.
Teddy: Don't tell me you've gotten us lost again.
Mr Warlock: I'm sure that I'd got it right this time. We should be round the back of the train station. Still, It's possible that I made a slight miscalculation seeing how we're on British summer time. Speaking of British summer time, did you remember to pack the umbrella? Come to think of it.....erm...where is the suitcase?
Teddy: Milton Keynes? Perhaps that made it safely and we're lost in some strange land where socks disappear too. Hay look!! There's someone or something in this field
Mr Warlock: Well I suppose we should investigate. Might find out where we are..but we'll tread carefully..work our way....round usin' the...trees as...cover.
Teddy: What's up with you? Travel sick?
Mr Warlock: I don't know. I feel drained for some reason. Teleporting here... shouldn't have used up that much....magick. Uggh!!!
Teddy: What's up now..are you getting worse?
Mr Warlock: No, I've just trodden in....something unpleasant.
Teddy: What is it?
Mr Warlock: Horse's sssssomething..by the looks of it.....oh my and the smell!!
Teddy: That thing in the field...It looks like a woman with her back against a pole. Perhaps she's a pole dance
Mr Warlock: Teddy she's not a pole dancer..you can tell by her clothes - she's wearing some . Look like very old fashion clothes too. Maybe some re-enactment type thing is going on
Teddy: Well then she could be a Maypole dancer
Mr Warlock: Don't be silly, It's April not May
Having circled round the back of the young woman; the warlock and his familiar break cover of the tree line and head towards her.
Mr Warlock: Excuse me Ms, are you alright?
The Fair Lady Elizabeth: Oh my!! Thy have given me a fright. Thy nearly put me a death. Pray Sir Knight, is thou here to rescue me and slay the serpent?
Mr Warlock: Rescue? Slay? I was hoping to ask for directions actually. But going back to the rescue bit, did you mention a reward?
The Fair Lady Elizabeth: Reward? How can thou jest of such matters when the vile and evil serpent has claimed the lives of five of my town's fairest maidens and slew three of the knights not claimed by the Crusade? I who have given of my self in sacrifice to spare others and yet prayed that provenance would intervene and I would be saved and the dragon would be put a sword.
Mr Warlock: Sorry, I got lost somewhere in amongst all that. Was that a no?
The Fair Lady Elizabeth: I am the Lady Elizabeth of Markham. My father would gladly redeem thee for thy services when he returns from the Holy land. An thou such a mercenary that that is all thou has a mind of!
Mr Warlock: No, a smile from one so fair is all the reward that I seek
Teddy: Huh?
Mr. Warlock: Teddy, untie this brave lady
Teddy: I can't
Mr. Warlock: Why? Are the knots too complex
Teddy: No, I'm a teddy. I don't have any fingers!!(holds paws up to illustrate the point)
The Fair Lady Elizabeth: Thy surf is most unusual. What manner of person is he?
Mr. Warlock: He's a erm.. stitchling. They're a race of warrior pygmies that I stumbled upon during a recent pilgrimage. They wear animal furs as you can see. I'll untie you then.
The Fair Lady Elizabeth: But thy first must tell me to whom I'm addressing. Sir..?.
Mr. Warlock: Sir...George? Sir George....of..... Sanders, at your service milady
Teddy: (whispers) Have you been watching Ivanhoe again? And what about that serpenty dragon thing that she mentioned? What if that shows up?
Mr. Warlock: (whispers) Dragons don't exist - only in myths and legends- we'll be out of here soon and then we can see about getting home
The Fair Lady Elizabeth: OH MY!!!
Teddy: Poor girl's fainted
Mr. Warlock: I didn't touch her! I swear, I was just starting to untie these knots
Teddy: I think it was that non-existing dragon over there that spooked the poor Lady Elizabeth. Why don't you run up to him and point out that he does exist - that should do the trick.
Mr. Warlock: Things are really beginning to vex me today, especially you Teddy.
Teddy: What are you gonna do?
Mr. Warlock: I don't think I recovered enough power to destroy it with magick.
Teddy: We're all toast!!
Mr. Warlock: I'll put up a force field whilst I think of some way to defeat it.
Teddy: We're definitely toast!!
The dragon draws near until it is about eight or nine feet away from the hapless trio.
Mr. Warlock: (raises his arms) Shields up!
A mystical barrier then surrounds the three of them as the dragon pulls his head back and lets fly a salvo of its fiery breath.
Mr. Warlock: Teddy? Teddy, why are you hiding behind that lady's dress?
Teddy: I'm flammable, It says so here on this label
Mr. Warlock: But the fire is being deflected. So why hide?
Teddy: The fire's being stopped but his bad breath isn't
Mr. Warlock: Suppose you're right. If the fire doesn't get us his halitosis might. Besides I don't think I can keep this shield up forever. I'll see if I can conjure a lance and try poking the thing to death with it.
One slightly unsuccessful attempt at lance conjuring later
Teddy: Isn't the whole point of a lance that it has a point at the end? What are you going to do with one with feathers on the end of it - offer to do his dusting if you he lets us go?
Mr. Warlock: Oh hum - guess I'll have to try and tickle him to death
The warlock attempts to tickle the dragon where the legs join the body and also on its belly but to no avail.
Mr. Warlock: That's odd - it doesn't seem to be the slightest but ticklish
Teddy: It's worse than that, the shield's deteriorating! I'll never see Phoebe again or eat another cookie..this it we're toast!
The dragon fills his belly with air once more as if sensing that he was close to besting the warlock and his little companion. Preparing to breathe one long mighty blast of fire at the warlock, the dragon is momentary taken aback when the warlock shoves the lance up its left nostril. This has the rather unfortunate effect of tickling the dragon's nose and causing it to sneeze and explode all in the same instant.
Mr. Warlock: Ugh! I'm covered in bits of dragon. This isn't going to do my leather coat any good. Wonder if there are any decent dry cleaners in the 12th Century?
Teddy: Hay look, Sleeping beauty is stirring
The Fair Lady Elizabeth: Can it be that I have such good fortune to still live. Doth mine eyes deceive me? "And the great dragon was cast down" Praise be!
Mr. Warlock: "he was cast down to the earth, and his angels were cast down with him" Hummmm. Something odd going on here, hopefully this is the last of it and we can get back home - eh Teddy?
Teddy: Yeah, I don't want to miss seeing Phoebe. There's a "Charmed" marathon on this weekend.
Mr. Warlock: If you keep watching nonsense like that thy brain will surely rot. Not that I suppose thee has to worry about that
The Fair Lady Elizabeth: (laughing) Thy servant prithees me.
Mr. Warlock: (half to himself) Yeah, He prithees me off too sometimes
The warlock unties the fair Lady Elizabeth and she massagers her arms to get the blood flowing again.
The Fair Lady Elizabeth: How can I possible thank thee? And how shall I return to mine town? For sooth thou must surely wish to seek out the lair of the beast and bring liberty to others.
Mr. Warlock: Huh? Lair? Others ? But thou needs escorting back. There's many a black hearted blaggard out there
Teddy: (mumbles to self) Yeah, and there's one here too
The Fair Lady Elizabeth: Look, fortune is me on this day a caravan approaches. I've no doubt that they are escorting monies for the crusade. I shall be able to travel under their protection, of this I am sure.
I believe that the lair of the serpent lies over yonder (points in the direction of a large hill some three miles in the distance). Would thou do me the honour of wearing my favour when thy battles next? (the lady removes a scarf and hands it to the warlock) And as for thee, little stichling (stoops down and plants a kiss on the little teddy bear's cheek).
Fare the well Sir Knight, I shall see the anon.
The fair lady Elizabeth turns and heads to intercept the caravan of armed soldiers and wagons.
Mr. Warlock: Great. I mean just great. I battle a dragon with little more than a blunt toothpick and you get the kiss.
Teddy: Yes, but I'm a cute little teddy bear and you're....well, you're you.
Mr. Warlock: (starts walking in the direction of the beast's lair) Point taken. I guess we've no choice but to head for this lair thing. Just think, we wouldn't be in this situation if the car wasn't in for a service.
Teddy: It's not a service your car needs, it's the last rites!
Mr. Warlock: Look. If you're going to criticise you can walk.
Teddy: But - we are walking
Mr. Warlock: Oh yeah. Still, that's not the point
Three miles and many pointless conversations later....
Teddy: I don't care what people say...Phoebe could beat Willow hands down any day
Mr. Warlock: Well, I guess this is journeys end.
In front of the two stands a magnificent castle encircled on all sides by a deep ravine
Teddy: (in his best Lloyd Grossman style voice) Who holds court in a castle like this
Mr. Warlock: Doesn't this castle strike you as rather odd? It's more Hollywood - Disneyesque - even, than anything. And its setting seems so unnatural. I get the feeling that it too, like us, doesn't belong here.
Teddy: So how do we get in? I can't see a doorbell to ring.
Mr. Warlock: Teddy, castles don't have doors. They have drawbridges.
Teddy: Well whatever it is...it hasn't got a bell on it. Not that we could reach it anyway if it did. How deep do you reckon this ravine is?
Mr. Warlock: I'd rather not look down there..you know I don't like heights...or depths come to think of it.
Teddy: Hay look! That door erm..drawbridge thing is lowering, good.
Mr. Warlock: I'm not so sure if "good" is a term I'd use, but at least we can get to the bottom of this situation and hopefully get back to our own time. Don't know about you but I'm starving.
Teddy: I'd kill for a cookie.
Mr. Warlock: No change there then.
The drawbridge descends and spans the fifteen feet gap between the castle and the two.
Mr. Warlock: C'mon Teddy. Let's get this over with. I'm starting to feel slightly nauseous again. I don't think being stuck in this time is doing me any good
When the two are three quarters of the way across a small welcoming committee appears to greet them
Teddy: Yay! A welcoming committee. Wonder if they've got any cookies?
Mr. Warlock: I'm not so sure that this committee is of the welcoming variety.
As if to emphasise their intentions, the three draw their swords and briskly approach the warlock and his little companion, their suits of armour creaking slightly as they do so.
Teddy: Ack!! Swords!! Let's run for it
Mr. Warlock: (Removes the silk scarf that the fair lady Elizabeth had given him from the left inside pocket of his leather coat where he keeps his wallet and ties it round his left arm) No, we can't go back. We need to get passed these. We can't go around them., we can't go under them and we can't go over them. So....
Teddy: We go through them!! Yay! Do your Cole impression, that always looks impressive...if a little showy.
Mr. Warlock: (slightly annoyed) Oh alright. Energy ball.....
The warlock hurls a powerful orb of glittery silvery appearance at the first of their would-be-attackers. It rips through the breastplate as though it were butter before exiting and travelling on to the second suit of armour where it cuts them in half at the midriff. Having lost some of its power and trajectory it falls just in front of the last attacker but still manages to blast a hole through the drawbridge. Most impressive...if a little showy. The third teeters on the edge of the crater, swing his arms to try and regain his balance.
Teddy: Here mate..you need a hand.
The teddy bear throws a gauntlet from one off the fallen suits of armour at the remaining assassin it hits him on his helmet and unbalances enough to cause it to topple through the hole down, down into the ravine.
Teddy: See, I got that one with out any fancy gizmos. Warlocks are such show offs .
The teddy bear lifts the visor of the nearest casualty of the energy ball.
Teddy: Hay, his heads empty!
Mr. Warlock: (mumbles) He's not the only one
Teddy: And the other one is too. There's nobody in these suits of armour. Do you think there's magick afoot here? Could it be another warlock? An ancestor of yours perhaps?
Mr. Warlock: This is far too flashy to be a warlock. We prefer to be low key and remain unnoticed. Besides what would a warlock want with maidens? An iron maiden maybe.
Teddy: Iron Maiden the group?
Mr. Warlock: No. It's a torture device
Teddy: So's half the stuff you listen too
Mr. Warlock: You have no taste in music....or anything for that matter. C'mon, we better get moving. We're sitting targets out here.
Teddy: Erm...you'll have to give me a hand getting across this hole you've made. It's too big for me to jump.
Mr. Warlock: A hand? How 'bout a boot instead.
The warlock kicks the hapless teddy bear over the gaping hole and through the entrance to the castle and then does a bizarre goal celebration.
Mr. Warlock: He shoots. He scores Rossi gets his hat trick against Brazil and the crowd goes wild.
Leaping, not too gracefully I might add, over the hole the warlock joins his familiar inside the castle keep.
Teddy: Doesn't seem to be any more suits around...or dragons for that matter.
Mr. Warlock: The Lady Elizabeth mentioned that the dragon had accounted for three knights, so I guess that explains where the suits of armour came from. But not what happened to the contents of those suits nor to the five maidens from the town of Markham.
Teddy: Dungeons? Castles usually have dungeons - don't they?
Mr. Warlock: Could be. Perhaps they are being held ransom? Although the fair Lady don't make reference to any demands of money or jewels. I don't like this...if I ever get my hands on the Fates..I'll...
Teddy: Hay look, there a drawbridge here !!
Mr. Warlock: Teddy, that's a door not a drawbridge
Teddy: I thought you said castles didn't have doors?
Mr. Warlock: Oh, shut up!....Argh...I'm starting to get stabbing pains across the chest and I'm feeling worse than when we landed in this time. Need to rest for a little while.
Teddy: Your not dying are you? What'll happen to me if you do?
Mr. Warlock: Dying? No..at least I hope not....and if anything happens to me then you'll just go back to being a normal little teddy bear .
Teddy: This door....it's plastic. It looks like the real thing, but it's a phoney. It's still sold though and it's locked. What do you make of that?
Mr. Warlock: Well, if it's locked then there must be something behind it that they don't want people getting to.
Teddy: The knights and the maidens?
Mr. Warlock: Or their abductor...either way we have to check it out. Stand back...things are going to hot up.
The warlock staggers to the door and holds his right hand up, fingers out stretched and pressed firmly against each other.
Mr. Warlock: You know Teddy, I reckon that I could have gotten the part of the human torch in the Fantastic Four flick. Just think; me and Julian McMahon in the same film.
"Flame on Johnny"
The warlock's hand bursts into bright orange flame, emitting an incandescent heat. He then thrusts his had at the door and proceeds to cut the lock out. After a few minutes the job is complete.
Teddy: What if it isn't prisoners in there? Are you up to a fire-fight?
Mr. Warlock: Not at the moment, not after opening this thing. We'll just have to play it by ear and try to buy some time. Hopefully it wont come to that.
The warlock pushes the door open and enters the room followed by his familiar.
The room appears to be a great dinning hall with a long table, not quite long enough to land a small plane on, but long. At the farthest end, surrounded by condiments and a multitude of eating utensils, sits a strange humanoid creature. Distinguishable by his bright yellow, almost florescent, skin.
The Gourmet: Come on in...door's open, well it is now. Neat trick that by the way.
Mr. Warlock: Thank you. Nice castle you have here. Even if the welcome wasn't as pleasant as I'd hoped.
The Gourmet: It's a little something that I brought with me from a latter time. It's an old movie set I believe. "Ivanhoe" I think. But then you would know that seeing as your not from here too.
Mr. Warlock: No, I'm not from here. So how did you manage it?
The Gourmet: Time travel? Oh, it's not so difficult; especially for someone as creative as me. And it is useful for someone with my needs. I like to sample delights from more than one plate so to speak. It attracts less attention that way. You see I'm the worlds foremost gastronaut. I'm known simply as "The Gourmet".
Mr. Warlock: You travel through time looking for food? But why? There's plenty of food around
The Gourmet: Oh my yes. Plenty of food. Just that people object to my eating it
Teddy: Object? Why - you don't eat whales do you?
The Gourmet: A talking little teddy bear...How wonderful! How'd you do that?
Mr. Warlock: (Bends down and picks the little teddy bear up) Getting him to talk is the easy part. Getting to shut up is another matter
Teddy: Those knights...the maidens....you eat..
The Gourmet: Yes little one...but it's not just the flesh that I enjoy. It's the soul.
The Gourmet smiles to reveal a set of sharp pointed gnashers and sips from his goblet which contains a deep red liquid.
The Gourmet: You know there's nothing better than a nicely chilled A positive to wash the grub down with. "Come, come, good blood is a good familiar creature if it be well used. Exclaim no more against it", to misquote Shakespeare.
Mr. Warlock: (Slowly starts to walk towards The Gourmet) "Every inordinate cup is unblessed, and the ingredient is a devil" To not misquote Shakespeare.
So, you hide behind the dragon. Have him abduct poor innocent girls and slay anyone who comes to rescue them.
The Gourmet: Not slay, why waste good food? "Good" being the operative word. You see I like my food pure and just. Your soul has the blackest foulest stench I've ever encountered, and I've encountered a few. You know, prior to the dragon in another time, 1970's America I think it was, I worked with someone. He brought me many a good meal. Unfortunately the authorities caught him. Ted was his name. I tried a similar thing in London in the 1880's but Jack didn't prove to be as reliable. He had a thing for ladies of the night. Not quite so appetising. I prefer a sin free soul as much as possible. Better taste I find. I had to eat Jack in the end. Didn't enjoy his soul at all.
Mr. Warlock: So you don't fancy eating me? I'm so relieved.
The Gourmet: No..but since you've deprived me of my dragon and my suits of armour, I'm in need of someone to fetch me my takeaways, you might say. Interested? You seem more than capable and judging by your soul...not adverse to a little sin.
Mr. Warlock: So what's in it for me?
The Gourmet: You'll have access to my science and you can have your pick of the food..sorry, young ladies. Whichever takes your fancy. Plus, I have no need for their money or jewels, it's all yours. What do You say?
Mr. Warlock: How about this, Kevin. I kill you - steal your time machine and go back to my own time. How's that garb you?
The Gourmet: Think you can beet me? My science against your magick. And if your magick is that great why do you need my time machine to get back? Could it be you're not as powerful as you make out? You know I've eaten magickal creatures before...A witch. She didn't agree with me. Terrible indigestion.
Teddy: He's eaten Phoebe!! Kill Him!!
Before the warlock can even move The Gourmet raises his right arm and draws it back as one might throw a javelin.
The Gourmet: You don't seem to be getting the point. Let me ram it home to you!
The Gourmet, his arm now fully retracted behind his back, gives a little smile and licks his lips. A large two pronged carving fork appears in his hand and he discharges it in the direction of the warlock's heart.
Mr. Warlock: Shields up...
The warlock manages to erect a flimsy mystical barrier but the projectile easily penetrates it and is only slowed down a little. It continues on its course towards the warlock. In desperation he holds the poor teddy bear in front of the missile. The prongs spear the teddy bear and the momentum forces the familiar from the warlocks grasp and onwards still to the warlock's heart where it strikes home.
Mr. Warlock: Oh fork! Just look what you've done to my leather coat
The warlock then drops to his knees and fixes his gaze upon The Gourmet.
The Gourmet: Science wins I see.
Mr. Warlock: Wrong! I hate to lose..Fireball
The warlock quickly hurls the flaming projectile at The Gourmet. Upon impact it transforms him into a raging conflagration. Screaming in agony The Gourmet clatters around his arms flaying wildly.
Teddy: Hay, you're not dead!! I always knew that you didn't have a heart.
Mr. Warlock: Of course I have a heart. It may be cold and black but I do have one. It was a combination of the shield, your fat little belly and my wallet that keep me alive. But I think that my credit cards and money are more that a little holey and my Paul Smith wallet is ruined.
The warlock removes the pronged implement from his leather coat and frees his familiar from its pointed ends and sets them both down upon the table. The teddy bear picks up the deadly weapon and runs down the table towards the fire consumed, pain ridden Gourmet
Teddy: This one's for Phoebe!!
The bear the chucks the weapon at the throat of The Gourmet; where it strike home with a most sickly sound. Clutching at his throat, The Gourmet now falls to the floor. Dead.
Teddy: Ack!! I'm bleeding!
Mr. Warlock: You can't be bleeding you don't have any blood. It just some of your stuffing as come out that's all. When I've got some strength back I'll see about fixing you
Teddy: See you resorted to doing your impression of The Source to take out The Gourmet
Mr. Warlock: Thought...... that you'd .......appreciate it. Teddy I feel faint...I think you'd better...get down...here
The teddy bear runs back down the table and jumps onto the warlock's chest.
Teddy: I thought the fork thing didn't get you.
Mr. Warlock: It's not that.... I think we're being.....teleported
Milton Keynes a bright and bustling town, welcomes two new visitors.
Teddy: Well...if this is Milton Keynes I don't reckon much to it. There doesn't look like there is anything to do. It's just empty and lifeless...
Mr. Warlock: Actually, this is Milton Keynes. But an accurate description none the less.
Teddy: Hay, I'm whole...there's no hole.
Mr. Warlock: Yes, The Fates seem to have fix you just like they have my.....Oh, they seem to have neglected to repair my coat. Oh hum. But on the plus side at least the suitcase has re-appeared.
Teddy: (points to the warlock's left arm) And they seem to have let you keep the scarf. She was nice wasn't she, the Lady Elizabeth?
Mr. Warlock: (removes the scarf) "O, She doth teach the torches to burn bright". Can't say I noticed Teddy.
Teddy: Do you think that's why they sent us back? To stop that Gourmet guy?
Mr. Warlock: More than likely. The Fates don't like people messing with time. Seeing into the future or the past is one thing but being there is a big no-no. It can cause too much disruption.
Teddy: You don't think that our being there caused any disruption do you?
Mr. Warlock: Doubt it. I mean...who's ever heard of a dragon slayer called George.
Fin.