Emptyness (Joe, Lavinia and then Julian)
Lavinia stood outside Joseph Littleton's hospital room at Robert MacGavillary Memorial Hospital. He was silently reading the newspaper, and he looked so peaceful she hated to disrupt him. She was heavy with the news she had to convey, but she would let no one else tell him. No one else was going to tell her beloved son, that his wife of twenty-three years and his 13-month-old daughter had been killed before anyone had even known they were missing. While Joe had sat in his hospital bed battling infection, his world had been shattered. In all her seventy-five years, she had never had to do anything this hard before. And not a one of her years had been easy.
Taking a deep breath, Lavinia walked into Joe's room.
When his mother entered his hospital room, Joe lit up and he smiled at her immediately, setting aside his newspaper. "Mums!" This cheerful demeanor slid away, as did his smile, when he saw the look on his mother's face. Something was wrong, and worry started to niggle at his belly in an uncomfortable and unwelcome way.
"Mums, what is it? Is it Mad Dog?" he asked, his first thought having nothing to do with the possibility that she may have heard ill news about his health, but about his step-father. Mad Dog had been permanently injured in his debacle with Amaris and if there were complications now, his poor mother might have to deal with watching her new husband deteriorate while her son did much the same.
"No. It's not Mad Dog, Joseph." Lavinia moved to his bedside, but she didn't sit in a chair like she normally would have. Instead she sat on the edge of his mattress, and she laid her hand on his forehead like she had when he was a child. It had always reassured him in times when nothing else could, but even that caused the worry festering in his stomach to flare up into terror.
"Julian..." Joe couldn't do more than whisper his fear for his son, as his mother leaned over him like she was trying to protect him from the world. It had to be his Julian, why else would she be acting this way?
"Joseph. It's Jordan and Jaida." Lavinia didn't move her hand from his forehead, but she rested the other on his chest where, immediately, panic flared and his heart fluttered in terror. Before she could say more, he was questioning her frantically.
"Are they hurt?! Are they here? Mums, tell Katia to bring me to them, now! I mean please?!" Even in times of utmost panic, Joseph could not disrespect his mother. He made a move to sit up, but Lavinia's hand on his chest was firm and she pushed him back down to the mattress. "Mums, where are they?!" Joe's voice was getting higher and more panicked by the moment. "Are they in another hospital because if they are, get them to fucking transfer me-"
"Joseph." The second his mother started speaking, Joe clammed up to listen. "They're not in hospital." Before Joe could feel cruel relief, she continued. "They were taken from home, my darling boy. A man broke in and he took them with him back to his own house where he killed them both. I'm so sorry." There was no way to sugarcoat it, and Lavinia would know being sorry didn't help. She had walked into her home to find her first husband and son slaughtered once, decades ago before she had ever become a Littleton. And now she had to watch the second child she had brought into the world suffer the same damn thing.
Joe's throat closed up as his heart sunk into his stomach, refusing to beat for a moment before it thudded back to erratic, frantic rhythm. Joe stared at his mother in pale-faced horror, and when his lungs screamed for air, he realised he hadn't been breathing. Gasping deeply, he shook his head then, denial being the only defense he had left to deal with something like this. "No."
"Joe, I'm sorry-"
"No! No! Not my wife! Not my little girl! Mums! No." He looked at her, his expression pleading. Lavinia could do anything, she could make this be fake. A hoax. Someone was messing with them. Someone had made it look like Jordan and Jaida were dead, but it could be a vision caused by a trouble-making angel. It had to be. His wife and daughter were fine. "Mums, ar- They can't be dead. They're just in hospital. Go look, you'll find them!" Tears seeped from the corners of his eyes, leaving shiny trails down his cheeks. "Please! Mums, please go find them!"
"Oh, my Joseph...." Lavinia had tears in her eyes too, and that was when Joe knew it was true. Lavinia did not cry unless the situation was dire, indeed. She was as tough as anything. If she was crying, it had to be true. Oh God, it has to be true...
Joe raised his hands to her arms to steady himself. "Where's Julian? Mums, Julian? Is Julian-"
"Julian is on his way here." Lavinia took a deep breath, but her crying didn't cease. "He wasn't anywhere near them."
"Mums." Joe expelled her name, breathless, as if with it went the last of his heart. "My wife! My babies...J...Jordan was pregnant. She told me yesterday!" Lavinia covered her face in horror, but Joe didn't stop. "She was here yesterday! She was supposed to come to dinner! Don't tell me. Don't tell me my wife is dead..."
He had known her since he had turned seventeen and married at twenty-one. They had been married for twenty-three years. Together they had weathered everything. They had had two children together, and managed to survive the pain of three miscarriages, becoming stronger for the shared grief instead of letting it tear them apart. They had raised an incredibly well-adjusted gay son, and for the few months of their Julian's life when had gone off his hinges and lost himself to drugs, they had weathered that too. They came through every single obstacle whether it be bankruptcy or cancer fears, because they had done it together, hand-in-hand. They had a deep and perfect understanding of each other. For more than half his life, she had been his partner in absolutely every single way someone could be. His best friend. His lover. His confidant. Both the devil and the angel on his shoulder. His everything. Jordan had been his everything. And their little Jaida...so young...
Joe expelled three loud, and pain-filled breaths, and then he let his eyes fall closed as he felt the horror consume him. "How?" he asked, barely loud enough to be audible, but Lavinia heard. She always heard.
"Joe...you don't want to know."
"No. I want to know. How, Mums? How was my wife taken from me? What did this fucker do to my baby girl!? God she...she was only a year old!"
Lavinia swallowed roughly and he took hold of both of Joe's hands. "Joseph, you don't want to know this."
"Was it quick? Did he hurt-?" Sobs took over, Joe's body shaking with them. Lavinia was right. She was always right. He didn't want to know.
"Dad?"
Joe sat bolt upright, taking a shaky and gasping breath as he did so. "Jules!"
Julian was standing in the door frame, his face obscured by shadow. When he stepped into the light, Joe could see how pale he was. How sick and scared and distraught. "Daddy, they made me see them." Julian's face crumpled before he even reached the bed, and the second he did, he crawled up beside his father and he sobbed into Joe's chest.
"What?!" Joe laid his hand on Julian's back and he looked up at his mother again. "Mums, what did they do?"
Lavinia's expression was more than pissed off. "Julian had to identify the bodies, Joe..."
"Oh my...God, oh, Kiddo..." Even through his own grief, Joe was there for his Julian. Julian was all he had now. He inched down in the bed and he kissed his son's hair.
"They were dead, Dad..." Julian sounded no more than five years old, instead of his eighteen-year-old self. He was a father himself most days, but tonight he was nothing more than a child who had lost his mother and baby sister. "I got sick in a bin."
Joe had nothing to say. There was nothing left in him. He curled on his side to embrace his son safe in his arms, with his mother at his back, and he counted each breath. Every breath was surviving in a world without his Jordan.
Each one was a victory, even if he couldn't feel it.
Taking a deep breath, Lavinia walked into Joe's room.
When his mother entered his hospital room, Joe lit up and he smiled at her immediately, setting aside his newspaper. "Mums!" This cheerful demeanor slid away, as did his smile, when he saw the look on his mother's face. Something was wrong, and worry started to niggle at his belly in an uncomfortable and unwelcome way.
"Mums, what is it? Is it Mad Dog?" he asked, his first thought having nothing to do with the possibility that she may have heard ill news about his health, but about his step-father. Mad Dog had been permanently injured in his debacle with Amaris and if there were complications now, his poor mother might have to deal with watching her new husband deteriorate while her son did much the same.
"No. It's not Mad Dog, Joseph." Lavinia moved to his bedside, but she didn't sit in a chair like she normally would have. Instead she sat on the edge of his mattress, and she laid her hand on his forehead like she had when he was a child. It had always reassured him in times when nothing else could, but even that caused the worry festering in his stomach to flare up into terror.
"Julian..." Joe couldn't do more than whisper his fear for his son, as his mother leaned over him like she was trying to protect him from the world. It had to be his Julian, why else would she be acting this way?
"Joseph. It's Jordan and Jaida." Lavinia didn't move her hand from his forehead, but she rested the other on his chest where, immediately, panic flared and his heart fluttered in terror. Before she could say more, he was questioning her frantically.
"Are they hurt?! Are they here? Mums, tell Katia to bring me to them, now! I mean please?!" Even in times of utmost panic, Joseph could not disrespect his mother. He made a move to sit up, but Lavinia's hand on his chest was firm and she pushed him back down to the mattress. "Mums, where are they?!" Joe's voice was getting higher and more panicked by the moment. "Are they in another hospital because if they are, get them to fucking transfer me-"
"Joseph." The second his mother started speaking, Joe clammed up to listen. "They're not in hospital." Before Joe could feel cruel relief, she continued. "They were taken from home, my darling boy. A man broke in and he took them with him back to his own house where he killed them both. I'm so sorry." There was no way to sugarcoat it, and Lavinia would know being sorry didn't help. She had walked into her home to find her first husband and son slaughtered once, decades ago before she had ever become a Littleton. And now she had to watch the second child she had brought into the world suffer the same damn thing.
Joe's throat closed up as his heart sunk into his stomach, refusing to beat for a moment before it thudded back to erratic, frantic rhythm. Joe stared at his mother in pale-faced horror, and when his lungs screamed for air, he realised he hadn't been breathing. Gasping deeply, he shook his head then, denial being the only defense he had left to deal with something like this. "No."
"Joe, I'm sorry-"
"No! No! Not my wife! Not my little girl! Mums! No." He looked at her, his expression pleading. Lavinia could do anything, she could make this be fake. A hoax. Someone was messing with them. Someone had made it look like Jordan and Jaida were dead, but it could be a vision caused by a trouble-making angel. It had to be. His wife and daughter were fine. "Mums, ar- They can't be dead. They're just in hospital. Go look, you'll find them!" Tears seeped from the corners of his eyes, leaving shiny trails down his cheeks. "Please! Mums, please go find them!"
"Oh, my Joseph...." Lavinia had tears in her eyes too, and that was when Joe knew it was true. Lavinia did not cry unless the situation was dire, indeed. She was as tough as anything. If she was crying, it had to be true. Oh God, it has to be true...
Joe raised his hands to her arms to steady himself. "Where's Julian? Mums, Julian? Is Julian-"
"Julian is on his way here." Lavinia took a deep breath, but her crying didn't cease. "He wasn't anywhere near them."
"Mums." Joe expelled her name, breathless, as if with it went the last of his heart. "My wife! My babies...J...Jordan was pregnant. She told me yesterday!" Lavinia covered her face in horror, but Joe didn't stop. "She was here yesterday! She was supposed to come to dinner! Don't tell me. Don't tell me my wife is dead..."
He had known her since he had turned seventeen and married at twenty-one. They had been married for twenty-three years. Together they had weathered everything. They had had two children together, and managed to survive the pain of three miscarriages, becoming stronger for the shared grief instead of letting it tear them apart. They had raised an incredibly well-adjusted gay son, and for the few months of their Julian's life when had gone off his hinges and lost himself to drugs, they had weathered that too. They came through every single obstacle whether it be bankruptcy or cancer fears, because they had done it together, hand-in-hand. They had a deep and perfect understanding of each other. For more than half his life, she had been his partner in absolutely every single way someone could be. His best friend. His lover. His confidant. Both the devil and the angel on his shoulder. His everything. Jordan had been his everything. And their little Jaida...so young...
Joe expelled three loud, and pain-filled breaths, and then he let his eyes fall closed as he felt the horror consume him. "How?" he asked, barely loud enough to be audible, but Lavinia heard. She always heard.
"Joe...you don't want to know."
"No. I want to know. How, Mums? How was my wife taken from me? What did this fucker do to my baby girl!? God she...she was only a year old!"
Lavinia swallowed roughly and he took hold of both of Joe's hands. "Joseph, you don't want to know this."
"Was it quick? Did he hurt-?" Sobs took over, Joe's body shaking with them. Lavinia was right. She was always right. He didn't want to know.
"Dad?"
Joe sat bolt upright, taking a shaky and gasping breath as he did so. "Jules!"
Julian was standing in the door frame, his face obscured by shadow. When he stepped into the light, Joe could see how pale he was. How sick and scared and distraught. "Daddy, they made me see them." Julian's face crumpled before he even reached the bed, and the second he did, he crawled up beside his father and he sobbed into Joe's chest.
"What?!" Joe laid his hand on Julian's back and he looked up at his mother again. "Mums, what did they do?"
Lavinia's expression was more than pissed off. "Julian had to identify the bodies, Joe..."
"Oh my...God, oh, Kiddo..." Even through his own grief, Joe was there for his Julian. Julian was all he had now. He inched down in the bed and he kissed his son's hair.
"They were dead, Dad..." Julian sounded no more than five years old, instead of his eighteen-year-old self. He was a father himself most days, but tonight he was nothing more than a child who had lost his mother and baby sister. "I got sick in a bin."
Joe had nothing to say. There was nothing left in him. He curled on his side to embrace his son safe in his arms, with his mother at his back, and he counted each breath. Every breath was surviving in a world without his Jordan.
Each one was a victory, even if he couldn't feel it.