i cant believe anything and every year its the same. chew me up, spit me out again.
okay.
my knees are killing me.
volleyball this year is terrible.
so far this school year is shaping up to be a disaster.
and i havent even finished summer yet.
i havent accomplished anywhere close to
everything that i hoped to accomplish this summer.
i did a lot this summer.. i thought.
but when i was at school yesterday seeing many people i hadnt seen since school,
i found myself really thinking hard about what i did this summer.
and usually im not like that.
i can tell you exactly what i did last summer.
i hung out with dee, chris, justin, and mike, and we hung out every day.
we would get lost and
go random places, sunken meadow, the movies, sports plus, etc.
with the occasional brian worthman addition.
i spent most of the days at deanna's house until the guys got off work.
i worked maybe 20 hours a week.
i hurt my ankle.
i saw coheed for the first time.
i started to like billy talent thanks to mike mallon.
i liked two boys at different times.
dee and i became inseparable.
last summer i built a bank of absolutely breathtaking memories.
and this summer is different.
i dont have as many indescribable memories.
i of course spent it mostly with dee.
and we became extremely close with chris and justin.
extremely close.
i guess i shouldnt complain.
because now i have three friends that i hang out with together
that i know i could never live without.
but i had no great summer romance.
me and ryan arent speaking.
jade left for college.
jared left for college.
mike mallon transferred to new paltz.
lindsay left for college.
alex left for college.
ali left for college.
ryan left for college.
most of the people i knew in high school this passed year left for college.
few are staying local.
i'm going to miss them so much.
this year is going to be very weird.
this year is going to be very busy.
3 APs. 2 honors. 2 half year college courses. no lunch period. at least 3 clubs.
at least 1 varsity sport. 1 out of school sport. physical therapy.
giving lessons. teaching religion. youth group. a regular job.
how am i going to have time for myself?
i needthat time to myself.
is there time for a boyfriend? for deanna? for chris? for justin? for bryan?
i dont know yet.
it doesnt seem like it.
and on top of that schedule, i find myself plagued with this overcasting mood.
i dont normally find myself in such a rut like i have been lately.
and im sorry to all those around me who i have been acting weird towards.
just- something has been bothering me as you can tell from my previous entries.
and it kind of just hit me that what i thought was a sure thing, might be non-existant.
and how wrong and foolish i could be.
i never thought of myself as a foolish person, but maybe i am. i dont know.
but now i'm sitting here at my computer listening to old midtown songs.
and i feel really old. and really tired. and ready to finish everything.
i thought that dee and i were two of the few people who really appreciate high school.
but after these past two weeks, i really cant wait to be done with everything.
done with high school, done with college, done with graduate school, done with working.
done with dating, done with those awkward situations that one constantly faces.
and i know that tomorrow or even later today i'll think so myself, i appreciate this.
but right now, this is how im feeling.
very bleak and apprehensive.
and i cant wait for this mood to go away..
my knees are killing me.
volleyball this year is terrible.
so far this school year is shaping up to be a disaster.
and i havent even finished summer yet.
i havent accomplished anywhere close to
everything that i hoped to accomplish this summer.
i did a lot this summer.. i thought.
but when i was at school yesterday seeing many people i hadnt seen since school,
i found myself really thinking hard about what i did this summer.
and usually im not like that.
i can tell you exactly what i did last summer.
i hung out with dee, chris, justin, and mike, and we hung out every day.
we would get lost and
go random places, sunken meadow, the movies, sports plus, etc.
with the occasional brian worthman addition.
i spent most of the days at deanna's house until the guys got off work.
i worked maybe 20 hours a week.
i hurt my ankle.
i saw coheed for the first time.
i started to like billy talent thanks to mike mallon.
i liked two boys at different times.
dee and i became inseparable.
last summer i built a bank of absolutely breathtaking memories.
and this summer is different.
i dont have as many indescribable memories.
i of course spent it mostly with dee.
and we became extremely close with chris and justin.
extremely close.
i guess i shouldnt complain.
because now i have three friends that i hang out with together
that i know i could never live without.
but i had no great summer romance.
me and ryan arent speaking.
jade left for college.
jared left for college.
mike mallon transferred to new paltz.
lindsay left for college.
alex left for college.
ali left for college.
ryan left for college.
most of the people i knew in high school this passed year left for college.
few are staying local.
i'm going to miss them so much.
this year is going to be very weird.
this year is going to be very busy.
3 APs. 2 honors. 2 half year college courses. no lunch period. at least 3 clubs.
at least 1 varsity sport. 1 out of school sport. physical therapy.
giving lessons. teaching religion. youth group. a regular job.
how am i going to have time for myself?
i needthat time to myself.
is there time for a boyfriend? for deanna? for chris? for justin? for bryan?
i dont know yet.
it doesnt seem like it.
and on top of that schedule, i find myself plagued with this overcasting mood.
i dont normally find myself in such a rut like i have been lately.
and im sorry to all those around me who i have been acting weird towards.
just- something has been bothering me as you can tell from my previous entries.
and it kind of just hit me that what i thought was a sure thing, might be non-existant.
and how wrong and foolish i could be.
i never thought of myself as a foolish person, but maybe i am. i dont know.
but now i'm sitting here at my computer listening to old midtown songs.
and i feel really old. and really tired. and ready to finish everything.
i thought that dee and i were two of the few people who really appreciate high school.
but after these past two weeks, i really cant wait to be done with everything.
done with high school, done with college, done with graduate school, done with working.
done with dating, done with those awkward situations that one constantly faces.
and i know that tomorrow or even later today i'll think so myself, i appreciate this.
but right now, this is how im feeling.
very bleak and apprehensive.
and i cant wait for this mood to go away..