Before Her
Before her I had never danced. at all.
Before her I could never decline a drink. I could never have gone a year without drinking, without her.
Before her I could never save money. I never maintained a bank account for very long, never saw the point.
Before her I rarely thought about anyone but me. Now all I do is think about her and us and am attentive to her needs.
Before her I was never stable enough to be on my own. Now I have a car, pay insurance, pay rent, bills, etc.
Before her I was so unmotivated, uncaring of the future. Now all I do is think of ways to make money to save for the future.
Before her I was less of a person. Now I am capable and confident in most things I do.
but after all is said and done, why do I feel like im trapped? Why am I not content with my life? Why is there constantly a dull ache in the back of my skull because I'm so sad? Why do I feel unloved and underappreciated? Why doesn't she care about me anymore? Why can't I get those good times back? Why is my life now one big conflict?
Out of the shelter of my mother's (admittedly hellish and degressive) house, why is life so much more of a struggle than I realized? and on top of that why does it feel like while my life is finally on track but my relationship is heading for the final derailment?
I heard it a million times and sometimes I even agreed with it, but until today I never wholeheartedly agreed that life sucks. It is a constant struggle on top of a constant struggle on top of lots of little constant struggles. It's the grandest joke God ever made. It is steeped in irony and sick humor and I sometimes just have to wonder what the point is. Why is this struggle going on? To what end do our lives put their meaning? What is the Grand Scheme of things? Is there one? I guess we weren't ever intended to understand, or maybe its just beyond our comprehension at this point. One thing, in my mind, is for certain: there is a god. There has to be one. His existance is proven by this absolutely unecessary existance we all lead. Sometimes I think it'd be alot easier if there was just the blackness of UN-existance. It'd be simpler and there would be no feelings. No love to lose. No one to be disappointed in. No one to hate or be hated by. Life is never perfect. So why bother trying sometimes?
g
Before her I could never decline a drink. I could never have gone a year without drinking, without her.
Before her I could never save money. I never maintained a bank account for very long, never saw the point.
Before her I rarely thought about anyone but me. Now all I do is think about her and us and am attentive to her needs.
Before her I was never stable enough to be on my own. Now I have a car, pay insurance, pay rent, bills, etc.
Before her I was so unmotivated, uncaring of the future. Now all I do is think of ways to make money to save for the future.
Before her I was less of a person. Now I am capable and confident in most things I do.
but after all is said and done, why do I feel like im trapped? Why am I not content with my life? Why is there constantly a dull ache in the back of my skull because I'm so sad? Why do I feel unloved and underappreciated? Why doesn't she care about me anymore? Why can't I get those good times back? Why is my life now one big conflict?
Out of the shelter of my mother's (admittedly hellish and degressive) house, why is life so much more of a struggle than I realized? and on top of that why does it feel like while my life is finally on track but my relationship is heading for the final derailment?
I heard it a million times and sometimes I even agreed with it, but until today I never wholeheartedly agreed that life sucks. It is a constant struggle on top of a constant struggle on top of lots of little constant struggles. It's the grandest joke God ever made. It is steeped in irony and sick humor and I sometimes just have to wonder what the point is. Why is this struggle going on? To what end do our lives put their meaning? What is the Grand Scheme of things? Is there one? I guess we weren't ever intended to understand, or maybe its just beyond our comprehension at this point. One thing, in my mind, is for certain: there is a god. There has to be one. His existance is proven by this absolutely unecessary existance we all lead. Sometimes I think it'd be alot easier if there was just the blackness of UN-existance. It'd be simpler and there would be no feelings. No love to lose. No one to be disappointed in. No one to hate or be hated by. Life is never perfect. So why bother trying sometimes?
g