Update
Well it's Valentines day, whoop-de-frigging-do. And it's a yucky rainy V-day to boot, how fitting.
Finally heard back from Claire's. Rachel doesn't understand why but I failed my phone interview. She asked her RM why, was it possible for me to take it over, the RM said no. Rachel was like, "But she is a great applicant, she has glowing references and she has great availability, can't we still hire her?" No. So yeah. There went being optomistic. As usual, I got screwed over. Rachel said to keep coming in and trying but I can't. I need a job now, not a month from now. So I'm back to sending out resumes and filling out applications again.
Hm, why can't I stay optomistic? Simple. I have no reason to be. I was very optimistic about this job at Claire's. Rachel and I got along great, I had great interviews, great availability, great references, I would have started out as management. I was very optimistic and with good reason. And look what happened. Hm. Ka-boom, blew up in my face as usual. This is why I am no longer optimistic about my life. And don't bother to tell me to be thankful for the little things(being alive, having a home, etc)
I can't be thankful for those. The outlook of my life is grim. Another 8-10 years of school for my PhD, and most of my future was decided for me as soon as my brother was born. It's a great feeling knowing that no matter what else happens in my life I'm responsible for the welfare and well-being of a person who will never really be able to take care of themselves. Oh yeah, the future is bright. And my house. Well, if my step-dad really is having an affair, then this house will not be in the future for very long. On top of that the massive debts that my parents have for various reasons, and the bankruptcy. Yeah, ain't my life just peachy-f'n-keen.
So no, I won't be optimistic when I have no reason to be. It's really hard to stay optimistic if nothing in your life goes right, even when you ARE optimistic. Even a boulder must eventually bow to the mighty river. And I've been overwhelmed a little too often to stand up anymore. You can only fight back so much before you're too exhausted to do anything. I'm sick of being pushed down and kicked around and then being expected to stand back up when the intelligent thing is to stay on my ass and wait for a safe moment or a genuinely kind person to stop and help you up.
And as far as being rude or anything. I know one of my friends was upset Friday night. And said friend's sister told me not to say anything, that I wouldn't understand and I might only make things worse. (although she was much nicer about saying it that was the basic jist of the conversation) And when I was leaving I was basically being held hostage. I didn't want to leave, but I did because a friend asked me to go with her. Plus I was just exhausted from even pretending to be having a good day. Does anyone have any idea how utterly exhausting it is to fake being happy all day, everyday. Take it from me, find something to be genuinely happy about, it's too damned hard to fake it forever. And I've been faking for about over a month now.
Things deteriorated at work and so I quit, thinking I had another job lined up but that one fell through at the last minute so now here I am still searching, frantically. Then finding out my step-dad may be cheating on my mom, which can have huge repercussions in the rest of my life. And my grandfather fell 2 weeks ago and cracked his kneecap so I've been having to rush over there three or four times a day to take care of him, make sure he's eaten, get the mail, run to the grocery store and the post office. (Maybe being out of work so long has been a blessing in disguise since the timing is so convenient). On top of taking care of my brother and my own health. I'm still getting over my cold from last Sunday, I'm still a little stuffed up with a cough.
And perhaps something else people should keep in mind when they read this journal. If I'm writing in here it's normally for one of three reasons: 1. I'm ecstaticly happy 2. I'm really pissed off or upset and just need to vent and no one else will sit down long enough to hear me out and offer advice, or they never get around to calling back 3. I'm really, really, really, reeeeeaaaalllly bored. But normally if I'm bored I won't bother with LJ I'll go to a game site or something.
~((Constructive criticism is submitted at the user's own risk--volatile chemicals contained within))~
Itty-bitty signing off
Finally heard back from Claire's. Rachel doesn't understand why but I failed my phone interview. She asked her RM why, was it possible for me to take it over, the RM said no. Rachel was like, "But she is a great applicant, she has glowing references and she has great availability, can't we still hire her?" No. So yeah. There went being optomistic. As usual, I got screwed over. Rachel said to keep coming in and trying but I can't. I need a job now, not a month from now. So I'm back to sending out resumes and filling out applications again.
Hm, why can't I stay optomistic? Simple. I have no reason to be. I was very optimistic about this job at Claire's. Rachel and I got along great, I had great interviews, great availability, great references, I would have started out as management. I was very optimistic and with good reason. And look what happened. Hm. Ka-boom, blew up in my face as usual. This is why I am no longer optimistic about my life. And don't bother to tell me to be thankful for the little things(being alive, having a home, etc)
I can't be thankful for those. The outlook of my life is grim. Another 8-10 years of school for my PhD, and most of my future was decided for me as soon as my brother was born. It's a great feeling knowing that no matter what else happens in my life I'm responsible for the welfare and well-being of a person who will never really be able to take care of themselves. Oh yeah, the future is bright. And my house. Well, if my step-dad really is having an affair, then this house will not be in the future for very long. On top of that the massive debts that my parents have for various reasons, and the bankruptcy. Yeah, ain't my life just peachy-f'n-keen.
So no, I won't be optimistic when I have no reason to be. It's really hard to stay optimistic if nothing in your life goes right, even when you ARE optimistic. Even a boulder must eventually bow to the mighty river. And I've been overwhelmed a little too often to stand up anymore. You can only fight back so much before you're too exhausted to do anything. I'm sick of being pushed down and kicked around and then being expected to stand back up when the intelligent thing is to stay on my ass and wait for a safe moment or a genuinely kind person to stop and help you up.
And as far as being rude or anything. I know one of my friends was upset Friday night. And said friend's sister told me not to say anything, that I wouldn't understand and I might only make things worse. (although she was much nicer about saying it that was the basic jist of the conversation) And when I was leaving I was basically being held hostage. I didn't want to leave, but I did because a friend asked me to go with her. Plus I was just exhausted from even pretending to be having a good day. Does anyone have any idea how utterly exhausting it is to fake being happy all day, everyday. Take it from me, find something to be genuinely happy about, it's too damned hard to fake it forever. And I've been faking for about over a month now.
Things deteriorated at work and so I quit, thinking I had another job lined up but that one fell through at the last minute so now here I am still searching, frantically. Then finding out my step-dad may be cheating on my mom, which can have huge repercussions in the rest of my life. And my grandfather fell 2 weeks ago and cracked his kneecap so I've been having to rush over there three or four times a day to take care of him, make sure he's eaten, get the mail, run to the grocery store and the post office. (Maybe being out of work so long has been a blessing in disguise since the timing is so convenient). On top of taking care of my brother and my own health. I'm still getting over my cold from last Sunday, I'm still a little stuffed up with a cough.
And perhaps something else people should keep in mind when they read this journal. If I'm writing in here it's normally for one of three reasons: 1. I'm ecstaticly happy 2. I'm really pissed off or upset and just need to vent and no one else will sit down long enough to hear me out and offer advice, or they never get around to calling back 3. I'm really, really, really, reeeeeaaaalllly bored. But normally if I'm bored I won't bother with LJ I'll go to a game site or something.
~((Constructive criticism is submitted at the user's own risk--volatile chemicals contained within))~
Itty-bitty signing off