Home early
So it's Friday night and for once I'm home before 1am. Wow. Does that tell you how much my life sucks right now? Got sick on Sunday, still getting over being sick now. Have had three interviews with Claire's and still no news about the job. Great. That's probably a no. Just what I need right?
Went to karoake, hoping to have fun. Didn't, obviously. Couldn't play pool 'cause that tables were both taken. Tried to sing, that didn't work out. Felt like I had a fist grabbing the center of my chest and pulling my ribs together. And there was no Wes tonight. Why was there no Wes and why is this important? Well, let me tell ya.
Some anal-retentive...@#$$@%%&#@*@*$&@&%$**%*@ $&*%*#%&#&@*@*#@&%*#*%$ %*&@*$&@#*%&#%&$@&&%#@*#*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah, whoever they are I don't like them. Well. They don't like Becky and so they tried to get her fired by saying she was dating a student. Wes is my age, a legal adult. And they're not dating. She told the principal that and she was basically off the hook. Well that was good enough for that lousy SOB so he made his opinion known, Becks got written up and now she and Wes are forbidden from speaking even at school. How retarded is that?????? Well, Wes's mom has at least some of the same opinion that Becky and I have and she's going to raise hell at the school. However I'm kind of grateful he wasn't there tonight.
I hate being like this, in this position. When he's here I kind of just sit there trying not to stare at him and I'm not even staring at him because I like him, it's because I'm in shock that I like him and more importantly that I'm not terrified of that fact. Normally I wouldn't even dream of making my feelings known out of fear of rejection. And when it's me, rejection is the normal reaction to my feelings. They're never returned, at least not by anyone who has been worth it. The last guy I liked was Anthy and I was too scared to say anything or do anything. And it turned out I was better off that way anyway. So now here I am, liking this guy and I already know the outcome won't be favorable. But I still end up sitting there watching him, trying to figure out what to do, or what to say(for all the good it does me---the minute I get near him all my sexy, cute little chat-ideas kind of go *poof* and disappear) Yeah. Then I end up coming off as an idiot. So um. no. I'm not doing that anymore. There's no point. Getting excited just to see him, wanting to talk to him, finally getting the nerve to do it(without Becky there practically holding a gun to my head to do so) and then getting stared at like I suddenly grew an extra head. Nope. nope nope nope. Not happening. It's a set-up, no point, I'll still end up on the losing end, no matter what I do. I can't change my stars, my luck, my life. I can't and I can't keep expecting to have that kind of luck. Because I never do. I never get to be one of the lucky ones. I end up getting left behind for someone else, someone better.
I just wish it didn't bother me so much. I wish it didn't matter to me so much. But it does. I'm so lonely these days. All I ever do is cry! I cried tonight, sitting in the back, listening to the theme-song of my life it seems. No one noticed. No one noticed. I hate being so unhappy. I hate feeling so lonely and miserable just because I'm single. I used to bask in being single, being free of having to worry about someone else's feelings, their opinions, or doing something wrong. Then I met all of these people who are now my friends and who-ironically-are all now attached to someone. With a few exceptions of course, but they're people I'm not that close with anyhow.
There's something wrong with me. You know what it's called. It's called I think, therefore I'm single. I throw people off and so they can't accept me, because they can't get to know me or they're afraid to get to know me. And I won't be someone else just to be accepted. I did that already and I was just as miserable because I lived a lie. I refuse to live a lie again for someone else's sake.
Well, I'm done ranting. I'm still upset but I'm done complaining. For now.
~((You don't know how lucky you are))~
Itty-bitty signing off
Went to karoake, hoping to have fun. Didn't, obviously. Couldn't play pool 'cause that tables were both taken. Tried to sing, that didn't work out. Felt like I had a fist grabbing the center of my chest and pulling my ribs together. And there was no Wes tonight. Why was there no Wes and why is this important? Well, let me tell ya.
Some anal-retentive...@#$$@%%&#@*@*$&@&%$**%*@ $&*%*#%&#&@*@*#@&%*#*%$ %*&@*$&@#*%&#%&$@&&%#@*#*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah, whoever they are I don't like them. Well. They don't like Becky and so they tried to get her fired by saying she was dating a student. Wes is my age, a legal adult. And they're not dating. She told the principal that and she was basically off the hook. Well that was good enough for that lousy SOB so he made his opinion known, Becks got written up and now she and Wes are forbidden from speaking even at school. How retarded is that?????? Well, Wes's mom has at least some of the same opinion that Becky and I have and she's going to raise hell at the school. However I'm kind of grateful he wasn't there tonight.
I hate being like this, in this position. When he's here I kind of just sit there trying not to stare at him and I'm not even staring at him because I like him, it's because I'm in shock that I like him and more importantly that I'm not terrified of that fact. Normally I wouldn't even dream of making my feelings known out of fear of rejection. And when it's me, rejection is the normal reaction to my feelings. They're never returned, at least not by anyone who has been worth it. The last guy I liked was Anthy and I was too scared to say anything or do anything. And it turned out I was better off that way anyway. So now here I am, liking this guy and I already know the outcome won't be favorable. But I still end up sitting there watching him, trying to figure out what to do, or what to say(for all the good it does me---the minute I get near him all my sexy, cute little chat-ideas kind of go *poof* and disappear) Yeah. Then I end up coming off as an idiot. So um. no. I'm not doing that anymore. There's no point. Getting excited just to see him, wanting to talk to him, finally getting the nerve to do it(without Becky there practically holding a gun to my head to do so) and then getting stared at like I suddenly grew an extra head. Nope. nope nope nope. Not happening. It's a set-up, no point, I'll still end up on the losing end, no matter what I do. I can't change my stars, my luck, my life. I can't and I can't keep expecting to have that kind of luck. Because I never do. I never get to be one of the lucky ones. I end up getting left behind for someone else, someone better.
I just wish it didn't bother me so much. I wish it didn't matter to me so much. But it does. I'm so lonely these days. All I ever do is cry! I cried tonight, sitting in the back, listening to the theme-song of my life it seems. No one noticed. No one noticed. I hate being so unhappy. I hate feeling so lonely and miserable just because I'm single. I used to bask in being single, being free of having to worry about someone else's feelings, their opinions, or doing something wrong. Then I met all of these people who are now my friends and who-ironically-are all now attached to someone. With a few exceptions of course, but they're people I'm not that close with anyhow.
There's something wrong with me. You know what it's called. It's called I think, therefore I'm single. I throw people off and so they can't accept me, because they can't get to know me or they're afraid to get to know me. And I won't be someone else just to be accepted. I did that already and I was just as miserable because I lived a lie. I refuse to live a lie again for someone else's sake.
Well, I'm done ranting. I'm still upset but I'm done complaining. For now.
~((You don't know how lucky you are))~
Itty-bitty signing off