It's biblical how f*cked my sleep can be....
I hate nights like these, that's really the only thought that's been going through my head.
Nights like these where I'm feverishly cold and too warm at the same time.
Nights like these when I can't stop my stupid brain from continuing the rush of thoughts that keeps whizzing by one after one after one.
Nights like these remind me of the feel of sleep described in Fahrenheit 451... when Montag comes home and finds his wife has taken too many sleeping pills and has her little spider-like radio clamped into her ears... she's so lost... floating in sleepless noise until another day starts...
that's what i feel like I'm doing.
i need to stop skipping class.
i need to stop making excuses for skipping class.
it's not what I do...
I'm not "that" student, the one who makes excuses and claims to be actually excellent...
I'm the student (and actually the person in general, I'd like to think) who lets their actions speak for themselves... I live with conviction and through faith....
I can't believe I'm still floundering, it's absolutely ridiculous and I kinda disgust myself. I am better than I've been lately. I can do better, I WILL do better...
I'm stressed, can you tell?
And of course it's for invalid reasons. I need to do this for class and that for class and my room's a mess and ken's coming for a WEEK starting tomorrow and then it's one thing after another after another and I can't shake this cold for all i'm worth.
Can i just say that this is the best reaction ever for how to get over a cold:
Me: "I'm still sick, this stupid cold won't go away"
Insert random person: "Get better now!" or "Get better dammit" (that one's probably my favorite for many reasons) or "I order you to get better"
that's a completely logical way to help.
it's so odd to realize that I feel like i'm always the one doing the helping and never the one being helped.
mainly because I have a million and one people who would help me if i said i needed help.
but it's not something concrete. i just need someone to.... i don't know, understand? that doesn't seem right... comiserate isn't right either, because that doesn't solve anyone's problems. i just need someone...
insomniac + cold = NO BUENO
i don't want another 6 to 8 weeks of "hi, i'm going to drain you of all energy and coherent thinking now, k? great." like last year.
i think my immune system went away....
but as blessed as i am... (and i am SO blessed i can't even believe it sometimes...) i still can't seem to be able to enjoy it completely... i wonder if i can't let myself be happy sometimes...
mainly i just don't make any sense.
good dorm room, amazing boyfriend, great friends, grood community of believers...
love my job, like my classes... i get paid soon! yay for that... things are finally starting to settle into a normal routine...
and something still holds me back.
curse you illness for keeping me from my counseling this week. i guess i needed it more than i thought. 8 am monday mornings is just too early.
part of it has to be me needing to suck it up and do the tasks i say i'm going to do... or that i know i need to do... cleaning, dishes, homework.. and the extra stuff too, tutoring and spanish club and whatnot like that...
i still feel like i'm floating through each day though, it's hard to plow through tasks when i feel so disconnected.
i kinda feel like a bad puppeteer looking down on the marionette that is myself and observing how bad i am at pulling my own strings...
yeah that was cheesy. i don't care.
i guess i missed writing. i've been creatively deprived. there's no time for extra fun stuff like: poetry, Artist 2, painting, sketching... when there's the need to actually return my life to a somewhat normal state here.
maybe soon i'll be able to wander in the crisp chill of fall taking pictures of campus again.
i hate nights like these when i think about last year and how much i miss it... while the thinking about last year and the missing it (to some degree) are fine...
the wishing i had it back is lame and not helpful and not going to get me anywhere.
i KNOW it's not coming back... i can't re-create it... in face i creep myself out by the similarities between my room NOW and my room from last year... 306 one floor up (albeit different building) next to the bathroom with dumpsters right outside my window and Alex stopping by on the way to the potty and trucks at ridiculously early times in the morning beeping and whatnot...
that's all indicative of last year. it's NOT last year, and i wouldn't trade the good things that have happened to me this year for all of last year... but i can't help thinking about my roomie and my lauren and how great it would be to have them here with me...
i don't know how to change that thought pattern, but i'm working on it... i'm trying to stay realistic.
my dreams have been scaring me so much lately... i had a nightmare in broad daylight this morning ... which is weird because normally when you wake up with your heart racing and your hands all clammy and such... it's in a pitch black room at 3 in the morning... not 6:30 and birds chirping with the sun soaking your bed...
be that as it may... i dreamed i was hitting on this soldier who was one of three men guarding one lone middle eastern man who i assume was a terrorist... now this man was thin, raggedy, humble, and completely non threatening... polite, well spoke and the lot...
as i was snuggling with said soldier who was in a hole a set distance away from this man... all of the sudden the man attacked one of the other soldiers and ended up with a blowtorch type device.... he was still tethered (this was outside on the edge of a lake and some woods by the way) he could only walk so far and then the fire from the blow torch could only extend so far... but it scared the crap out of me in the dream and out of it... so my dreamy soldier and i run away towards the lake and jump in because there's a little sort of jetty that gets us to dry land away from this lunatic who is now CHASING us with a blow torch.... i don't know why it scared me so much... but i still get shivers thinking about it.
i realized something else this evening: what i think i want/what i always pictured myself with absolutely PALES in comparison to what i need/ what i have
i think i may actually sleep now... ha. ha. ha. yay for another four aspirin morning...
good night kids
<3s
ps. i like a boy.
lots.
and lots.
Nights like these where I'm feverishly cold and too warm at the same time.
Nights like these when I can't stop my stupid brain from continuing the rush of thoughts that keeps whizzing by one after one after one.
Nights like these remind me of the feel of sleep described in Fahrenheit 451... when Montag comes home and finds his wife has taken too many sleeping pills and has her little spider-like radio clamped into her ears... she's so lost... floating in sleepless noise until another day starts...
that's what i feel like I'm doing.
i need to stop skipping class.
i need to stop making excuses for skipping class.
it's not what I do...
I'm not "that" student, the one who makes excuses and claims to be actually excellent...
I'm the student (and actually the person in general, I'd like to think) who lets their actions speak for themselves... I live with conviction and through faith....
I can't believe I'm still floundering, it's absolutely ridiculous and I kinda disgust myself. I am better than I've been lately. I can do better, I WILL do better...
I'm stressed, can you tell?
And of course it's for invalid reasons. I need to do this for class and that for class and my room's a mess and ken's coming for a WEEK starting tomorrow and then it's one thing after another after another and I can't shake this cold for all i'm worth.
Can i just say that this is the best reaction ever for how to get over a cold:
Me: "I'm still sick, this stupid cold won't go away"
Insert random person: "Get better now!" or "Get better dammit" (that one's probably my favorite for many reasons) or "I order you to get better"
that's a completely logical way to help.
it's so odd to realize that I feel like i'm always the one doing the helping and never the one being helped.
mainly because I have a million and one people who would help me if i said i needed help.
but it's not something concrete. i just need someone to.... i don't know, understand? that doesn't seem right... comiserate isn't right either, because that doesn't solve anyone's problems. i just need someone...
insomniac + cold = NO BUENO
i don't want another 6 to 8 weeks of "hi, i'm going to drain you of all energy and coherent thinking now, k? great." like last year.
i think my immune system went away....
but as blessed as i am... (and i am SO blessed i can't even believe it sometimes...) i still can't seem to be able to enjoy it completely... i wonder if i can't let myself be happy sometimes...
mainly i just don't make any sense.
good dorm room, amazing boyfriend, great friends, grood community of believers...
love my job, like my classes... i get paid soon! yay for that... things are finally starting to settle into a normal routine...
and something still holds me back.
curse you illness for keeping me from my counseling this week. i guess i needed it more than i thought. 8 am monday mornings is just too early.
part of it has to be me needing to suck it up and do the tasks i say i'm going to do... or that i know i need to do... cleaning, dishes, homework.. and the extra stuff too, tutoring and spanish club and whatnot like that...
i still feel like i'm floating through each day though, it's hard to plow through tasks when i feel so disconnected.
i kinda feel like a bad puppeteer looking down on the marionette that is myself and observing how bad i am at pulling my own strings...
yeah that was cheesy. i don't care.
i guess i missed writing. i've been creatively deprived. there's no time for extra fun stuff like: poetry, Artist 2, painting, sketching... when there's the need to actually return my life to a somewhat normal state here.
maybe soon i'll be able to wander in the crisp chill of fall taking pictures of campus again.
i hate nights like these when i think about last year and how much i miss it... while the thinking about last year and the missing it (to some degree) are fine...
the wishing i had it back is lame and not helpful and not going to get me anywhere.
i KNOW it's not coming back... i can't re-create it... in face i creep myself out by the similarities between my room NOW and my room from last year... 306 one floor up (albeit different building) next to the bathroom with dumpsters right outside my window and Alex stopping by on the way to the potty and trucks at ridiculously early times in the morning beeping and whatnot...
that's all indicative of last year. it's NOT last year, and i wouldn't trade the good things that have happened to me this year for all of last year... but i can't help thinking about my roomie and my lauren and how great it would be to have them here with me...
i don't know how to change that thought pattern, but i'm working on it... i'm trying to stay realistic.
my dreams have been scaring me so much lately... i had a nightmare in broad daylight this morning ... which is weird because normally when you wake up with your heart racing and your hands all clammy and such... it's in a pitch black room at 3 in the morning... not 6:30 and birds chirping with the sun soaking your bed...
be that as it may... i dreamed i was hitting on this soldier who was one of three men guarding one lone middle eastern man who i assume was a terrorist... now this man was thin, raggedy, humble, and completely non threatening... polite, well spoke and the lot...
as i was snuggling with said soldier who was in a hole a set distance away from this man... all of the sudden the man attacked one of the other soldiers and ended up with a blowtorch type device.... he was still tethered (this was outside on the edge of a lake and some woods by the way) he could only walk so far and then the fire from the blow torch could only extend so far... but it scared the crap out of me in the dream and out of it... so my dreamy soldier and i run away towards the lake and jump in because there's a little sort of jetty that gets us to dry land away from this lunatic who is now CHASING us with a blow torch.... i don't know why it scared me so much... but i still get shivers thinking about it.
i realized something else this evening: what i think i want/what i always pictured myself with absolutely PALES in comparison to what i need/ what i have
i think i may actually sleep now... ha. ha. ha. yay for another four aspirin morning...
good night kids
<3s
ps. i like a boy.
lots.
and lots.