Sit tight folks, it's going to be a long ride...
So, I've never really written anything coherent and detailed about this entire summer. I'm going to attempt to purge myself of everything now and this may get lengthy, so I'm not even bothered by the fact that you may simply skim this.
I came off of last year at Valpo with about two weeks of limbo before work actually started. I got a little bogged down by the ability to sleep and sleep and not have to do anything but sleep or unpack, you can probably guess what happened.
Work started and it wasn't great, but it wasn't awful. There's only so many responsibilites required of a concession worker at the Richmond pool (which is what I was). I sold candy, signed people in and took money from little children whenever I could. I also had a chance to read up on some classic literature I haven't been able to, that was nice, I always enjoy reading, especiallly when it's deep literature. I pretty much just fell into my schedule of working three or four days a week dpending on the weekend. I also tried tutpring two separate little girls in two separate subject areas. One was math of all things and the other was Spanish. Both reminded me that I didn't want to teach on the elementary level, but they did instill in me my love of teaching again. I'm still on the right track with that anyway. Unfortunately both fell through at some point during the summer, so it didn't completely work out. But I got some good experience and made some tax free money at the same time.
So I worked and did that and prepared myself and my family and Hannah for her staying at my house for three weeks. Of course not everything can go perfectly, and I expected it not to. I was super nervous because Hannah is not used to a family being like my family is (traditional, with routines and solid structure) and my family isn't used to having someone like Hannah around. So it took a little bit of adjusting on everyone's part. What was neat was that her being around made me look at my life and my town and that whole style of living with completely new eyes, because I would constantly be trying to see it from a stranger's point of view. If anything good came from this summer (other than warped tour, etc) it was that I came to appreciate the life that I am blessed with even more than I thought possible. I would not change a thing. My family is amazing, my town is quaint but caring, and my relationships there are still going strong after a year of college. What more could I ask for? Something my parents were gracious enough to do was to take Hannah, myself and Steph (because she was visiting) to Frankenmuth, this small German folkish town that I've grown up going to, and have us stay in a really nice hotel/waterpark that they recently added. It was so much fun on the levels of spending time with my family and spending time with Hannah. Enter the sign fiasco. Upon entering the hotel, there were pedestrian crossing signs by the side entrance and one of the signs was damaged. I thought that'd be a cool thing to be able to put up on our dorm room wall. So we joked about taking it. After enjoying a funfilled day of dinner and sight seeing and water parking. Hannah and I retired to the lobby to check our addictions and that led to being in the parking lot prying the sign the rest of the way off of the post. We were giddy with joy and it was safely tucked away in my trunk. Until morning. We walked out after checking out of the hotel and my mom turns to me and goes, "You took the sign, didn't you"
I'm an honest person, and I was not ashamed of what I'd done, so I told her the truth. She was upset. But there was no time for an emotional drama to ensue as we were parting ways.. (after eating the best quesadilla EVER).
Later on that evening after Hannah and I had arrived back at my house and my mom and dad were up at my grandma's house up north, I got a terribly upset phone call from my mom. She and I argued about the moral issues and on some level I agreed with her. I got to hear the phrase "I don't know you anymore" and criticism from my dad which hit me hard. I don't remember how much of this I've talked about in other posts so too bad for you if you've re-read things. This continued on for a while and changed not only the dynamic between myself and my parents AND Hannah and my parents, but also the dynamic between Hannah and myself. It soon became clear that she and I had completely different views of my parents and their take on the situation. I respected their decision to be upset, and I understood it. I didn't agree with all of it or all of the actions they took after it, but as I said I never stopped respecting it. Hannah, I'm not sure if she ever respected my parents, and that's upsetting, because they have done so much for me and for us by letting her stay with us this summer. Whatever, I'm trying to get past that. Agree to disagree on that point.
The night BEFORE we got to Valpo was sooo much fun. We stayed at a hotel and giggled and lobster clawed and went "NOOOO" and hypothesized how much fun we'd have. We also bought the Office and whatnot. I wouldn't mind going back to that night. It was fantastic.
Then we get to Berg (aka Wehrenberg) our dorm, to move in. It's a really nice dorm, bigger rooms, air conditioning, laundry and kitchen on every floor... etc, etc We don't (or didn't) really want to be in Berg because it's kinda like a prison, you have to swipe your card to get into the stairs to the rooms. It makes having visitors come over really difficult and annoying. It's reallly quiet too, which I'm not used to after the craziness of my dorm last year. I don't really know anyone on our floor other than Hannah and a few mild acquaintances, including her old roommate Steph and Steph's roommate Katie. We wanted to be in Brandt, good ol' Brandt where most of our good times were had last year. It didn't work out, so life goes on... My old roommate is at Purdue now and our really good friend Lauren goes to Concordia Mequon. So those constants in my life are missing, which is hard. On top of that the rest of my floor lives across campus including my potty pal Alex who would stop by our room on her way to the bathroom last year. That's been really hard to deal with so far. I'm starting over AGAIN. I'm not liking it that much. I was pretty miserable the first few days, so miserable in fact that while I was on the phone bawling to my mom about how unhappy I was, I destroyed my phone. I have a new one, same number and everything, but it's sketchy about staying on. Things are getting better.
My room is still awkward, which is really hard because it's the place that I should be able to come back to and relax no matter what. I love Hannah, she's my best friend, I think. I'm starting to get to the point where I don't know if that's true. She and I have had a couple of conversations and they've been constructive which is good, but only in a couple of ways. Mostly it's just been me being criticized. I'm starting to get really frustrated. I'm the type of person that is non-confrontational and I will sit back and I will take things on if that will keep the peace. I'm ok with that. I'm also ok with needing some time to adjust. I'll figure things out. I have changed, I'm a different person than I was last year. My passions are still the same I believe, but I'm starting to realize the importance of what I'm doing with my life while I'm here. This is what I'm taking to use when I'll be teaching in the real world. It's IMPORTANT. I'm ok with that. I'm done trying to be what other people want to see me as, I'm not going to be put into that mold of what you thought I was or I should be. I've never been the type of person to pretend to be happy when I wasn't. I can't put on a mask or a character and float through the day. I am who I am flaws and all. OH WELL. I'm tired of feeling like I have to tiptoe around Hannah because I'll disappoint her or make her mad. I think our prioirities are majorly different. I KNOW our moral philosophies are majorly different. I'm not going to apologize for being upset with losing the things I hold dear anymore, or trying to continue those relationships. I have my own stuff going on, IV people are amazing and I'm amazed at how I've been blessed with Micah's friendship as well. People in general though, are turning out to be not who I thought they were. The more I learn about people I wanted to get to know better, the more disappointed I am really, or at least the more I realize that we don't have as much in common as I thought.
It's hard to believe that he (Micah, Hannah's male best friend) and I have only been talking for about a month or so. He's an fantastic person, mostly I think because he challenges who you are as a person. And is sincere, in an oddly insincere way. He and I have been going on long walks late at night in the depths of Valpo. It's a good time and interesting things happen. We saw a fox one night at 3:30 in the morning. I don't think I've ever been on a four hour walk before. I don't think I've ever admitted to a guy's face that I'm interested in them before either. See what I mean about interesting things? It's good to know someone with the same opinion on important issues in my life... values, senses of humor, Hannah and the whole Valpo situation in general... I cannot explain how much I appreciate that right now.
Classes are alright. I'm taking two Ed classes, Ed Psych and Technology in Education and both are promising to prove very interesting and useful. My Spanish class is interesting because it's a literature course and we all know how much I love literature, now don't we. I'm taking a psych lab too, which is interesting because it's the first interactive psych class I've taken... at least the first one with actual students right there as opposed to my online class. My theo class is going to prove challenging because the professor has high expectations and is very quick-witted, that also means it will be very entertaining. It's a class on Christian traditions but I think it will challenge how I actually define those, and I'm excited to challenge myself spiritually. I'm glad about being involved in IVCF again this year, I know it's what I need. Spiritually I've been lacking so much, and I've been saying it's something I'm going to work on, and now I get the practical opportunity. Oh! And Micah and I are tossing around the idea of doing a devotional together (does anyone else see God screaming "PAY ATTENTION!!" here?) SO there's a lot of work to be done this semester. I'm also working at the Education office and I had my first day yesterday. Nothing has really been started on the radio show as of right now but that's coming up soon I hope.
Speaking of music, Hannah, Nikki, and I went to a MAE concert the other weekend and it was amazing. I have a lot of respect for the bands who tried to open for Mae because that's a really difficult thing to do. Mae's set was... phenomenal, it made me fall more in love with them. Dave (the lead singer) is beyond charismatic he's captivating. And what struck me the most is how appreciative of the crowd he is. IF you've never heard or heard of Mae, go check them out because they're worth listening to. In fact, my guess is they'll blow you away.
I'm trying to think if there is anything I haven't covered... oh! I'm going to start going to counseling again, because I know that something is off, and I've accepted it, so I'm going to try to work on it. The counseling center here is amazing, so I figure that coupled with the Zoloft that I am still taking but going to try to wean myself off of will help as well as the good friends from home, other schools, and here that I am continuing to stay in contact with and get to know better. I guess I just always thought that a friend accepted you for who you are no matter what and looked past your issues. I'm trying to make things work, I'm trying to "get my spark back". Whatevs. That's all I can do. In the meantime, I have general periods of contentment and general periods of gloom. Tomorrow is another day that brings promise of beauty and happiness, right? I feel like I've finally covered everything for once, but if there is something else you want me to say more on or I haven't covered, let me know. I love you guys and I want to keep you informed. I miss those of you who are not near and I can't wait to see you at Good Old Days or when I visit. Stay strong in who you are!
<3s
Manda
I came off of last year at Valpo with about two weeks of limbo before work actually started. I got a little bogged down by the ability to sleep and sleep and not have to do anything but sleep or unpack, you can probably guess what happened.
Work started and it wasn't great, but it wasn't awful. There's only so many responsibilites required of a concession worker at the Richmond pool (which is what I was). I sold candy, signed people in and took money from little children whenever I could. I also had a chance to read up on some classic literature I haven't been able to, that was nice, I always enjoy reading, especiallly when it's deep literature. I pretty much just fell into my schedule of working three or four days a week dpending on the weekend. I also tried tutpring two separate little girls in two separate subject areas. One was math of all things and the other was Spanish. Both reminded me that I didn't want to teach on the elementary level, but they did instill in me my love of teaching again. I'm still on the right track with that anyway. Unfortunately both fell through at some point during the summer, so it didn't completely work out. But I got some good experience and made some tax free money at the same time.
So I worked and did that and prepared myself and my family and Hannah for her staying at my house for three weeks. Of course not everything can go perfectly, and I expected it not to. I was super nervous because Hannah is not used to a family being like my family is (traditional, with routines and solid structure) and my family isn't used to having someone like Hannah around. So it took a little bit of adjusting on everyone's part. What was neat was that her being around made me look at my life and my town and that whole style of living with completely new eyes, because I would constantly be trying to see it from a stranger's point of view. If anything good came from this summer (other than warped tour, etc) it was that I came to appreciate the life that I am blessed with even more than I thought possible. I would not change a thing. My family is amazing, my town is quaint but caring, and my relationships there are still going strong after a year of college. What more could I ask for? Something my parents were gracious enough to do was to take Hannah, myself and Steph (because she was visiting) to Frankenmuth, this small German folkish town that I've grown up going to, and have us stay in a really nice hotel/waterpark that they recently added. It was so much fun on the levels of spending time with my family and spending time with Hannah. Enter the sign fiasco. Upon entering the hotel, there were pedestrian crossing signs by the side entrance and one of the signs was damaged. I thought that'd be a cool thing to be able to put up on our dorm room wall. So we joked about taking it. After enjoying a funfilled day of dinner and sight seeing and water parking. Hannah and I retired to the lobby to check our addictions and that led to being in the parking lot prying the sign the rest of the way off of the post. We were giddy with joy and it was safely tucked away in my trunk. Until morning. We walked out after checking out of the hotel and my mom turns to me and goes, "You took the sign, didn't you"
I'm an honest person, and I was not ashamed of what I'd done, so I told her the truth. She was upset. But there was no time for an emotional drama to ensue as we were parting ways.. (after eating the best quesadilla EVER).
Later on that evening after Hannah and I had arrived back at my house and my mom and dad were up at my grandma's house up north, I got a terribly upset phone call from my mom. She and I argued about the moral issues and on some level I agreed with her. I got to hear the phrase "I don't know you anymore" and criticism from my dad which hit me hard. I don't remember how much of this I've talked about in other posts so too bad for you if you've re-read things. This continued on for a while and changed not only the dynamic between myself and my parents AND Hannah and my parents, but also the dynamic between Hannah and myself. It soon became clear that she and I had completely different views of my parents and their take on the situation. I respected their decision to be upset, and I understood it. I didn't agree with all of it or all of the actions they took after it, but as I said I never stopped respecting it. Hannah, I'm not sure if she ever respected my parents, and that's upsetting, because they have done so much for me and for us by letting her stay with us this summer. Whatever, I'm trying to get past that. Agree to disagree on that point.
The night BEFORE we got to Valpo was sooo much fun. We stayed at a hotel and giggled and lobster clawed and went "NOOOO" and hypothesized how much fun we'd have. We also bought the Office and whatnot. I wouldn't mind going back to that night. It was fantastic.
Then we get to Berg (aka Wehrenberg) our dorm, to move in. It's a really nice dorm, bigger rooms, air conditioning, laundry and kitchen on every floor... etc, etc We don't (or didn't) really want to be in Berg because it's kinda like a prison, you have to swipe your card to get into the stairs to the rooms. It makes having visitors come over really difficult and annoying. It's reallly quiet too, which I'm not used to after the craziness of my dorm last year. I don't really know anyone on our floor other than Hannah and a few mild acquaintances, including her old roommate Steph and Steph's roommate Katie. We wanted to be in Brandt, good ol' Brandt where most of our good times were had last year. It didn't work out, so life goes on... My old roommate is at Purdue now and our really good friend Lauren goes to Concordia Mequon. So those constants in my life are missing, which is hard. On top of that the rest of my floor lives across campus including my potty pal Alex who would stop by our room on her way to the bathroom last year. That's been really hard to deal with so far. I'm starting over AGAIN. I'm not liking it that much. I was pretty miserable the first few days, so miserable in fact that while I was on the phone bawling to my mom about how unhappy I was, I destroyed my phone. I have a new one, same number and everything, but it's sketchy about staying on. Things are getting better.
My room is still awkward, which is really hard because it's the place that I should be able to come back to and relax no matter what. I love Hannah, she's my best friend, I think. I'm starting to get to the point where I don't know if that's true. She and I have had a couple of conversations and they've been constructive which is good, but only in a couple of ways. Mostly it's just been me being criticized. I'm starting to get really frustrated. I'm the type of person that is non-confrontational and I will sit back and I will take things on if that will keep the peace. I'm ok with that. I'm also ok with needing some time to adjust. I'll figure things out. I have changed, I'm a different person than I was last year. My passions are still the same I believe, but I'm starting to realize the importance of what I'm doing with my life while I'm here. This is what I'm taking to use when I'll be teaching in the real world. It's IMPORTANT. I'm ok with that. I'm done trying to be what other people want to see me as, I'm not going to be put into that mold of what you thought I was or I should be. I've never been the type of person to pretend to be happy when I wasn't. I can't put on a mask or a character and float through the day. I am who I am flaws and all. OH WELL. I'm tired of feeling like I have to tiptoe around Hannah because I'll disappoint her or make her mad. I think our prioirities are majorly different. I KNOW our moral philosophies are majorly different. I'm not going to apologize for being upset with losing the things I hold dear anymore, or trying to continue those relationships. I have my own stuff going on, IV people are amazing and I'm amazed at how I've been blessed with Micah's friendship as well. People in general though, are turning out to be not who I thought they were. The more I learn about people I wanted to get to know better, the more disappointed I am really, or at least the more I realize that we don't have as much in common as I thought.
It's hard to believe that he (Micah, Hannah's male best friend) and I have only been talking for about a month or so. He's an fantastic person, mostly I think because he challenges who you are as a person. And is sincere, in an oddly insincere way. He and I have been going on long walks late at night in the depths of Valpo. It's a good time and interesting things happen. We saw a fox one night at 3:30 in the morning. I don't think I've ever been on a four hour walk before. I don't think I've ever admitted to a guy's face that I'm interested in them before either. See what I mean about interesting things? It's good to know someone with the same opinion on important issues in my life... values, senses of humor, Hannah and the whole Valpo situation in general... I cannot explain how much I appreciate that right now.
Classes are alright. I'm taking two Ed classes, Ed Psych and Technology in Education and both are promising to prove very interesting and useful. My Spanish class is interesting because it's a literature course and we all know how much I love literature, now don't we. I'm taking a psych lab too, which is interesting because it's the first interactive psych class I've taken... at least the first one with actual students right there as opposed to my online class. My theo class is going to prove challenging because the professor has high expectations and is very quick-witted, that also means it will be very entertaining. It's a class on Christian traditions but I think it will challenge how I actually define those, and I'm excited to challenge myself spiritually. I'm glad about being involved in IVCF again this year, I know it's what I need. Spiritually I've been lacking so much, and I've been saying it's something I'm going to work on, and now I get the practical opportunity. Oh! And Micah and I are tossing around the idea of doing a devotional together (does anyone else see God screaming "PAY ATTENTION!!" here?) SO there's a lot of work to be done this semester. I'm also working at the Education office and I had my first day yesterday. Nothing has really been started on the radio show as of right now but that's coming up soon I hope.
Speaking of music, Hannah, Nikki, and I went to a MAE concert the other weekend and it was amazing. I have a lot of respect for the bands who tried to open for Mae because that's a really difficult thing to do. Mae's set was... phenomenal, it made me fall more in love with them. Dave (the lead singer) is beyond charismatic he's captivating. And what struck me the most is how appreciative of the crowd he is. IF you've never heard or heard of Mae, go check them out because they're worth listening to. In fact, my guess is they'll blow you away.
I'm trying to think if there is anything I haven't covered... oh! I'm going to start going to counseling again, because I know that something is off, and I've accepted it, so I'm going to try to work on it. The counseling center here is amazing, so I figure that coupled with the Zoloft that I am still taking but going to try to wean myself off of will help as well as the good friends from home, other schools, and here that I am continuing to stay in contact with and get to know better. I guess I just always thought that a friend accepted you for who you are no matter what and looked past your issues. I'm trying to make things work, I'm trying to "get my spark back". Whatevs. That's all I can do. In the meantime, I have general periods of contentment and general periods of gloom. Tomorrow is another day that brings promise of beauty and happiness, right? I feel like I've finally covered everything for once, but if there is something else you want me to say more on or I haven't covered, let me know. I love you guys and I want to keep you informed. I miss those of you who are not near and I can't wait to see you at Good Old Days or when I visit. Stay strong in who you are!
<3s
Manda