after years of waiting, another story surfaces.
home from a great first day of school, i was looking forward to relaxing in my humble abode. i kicked off my shoes and pants, and, after pausing to put my pants back on, proceeded to go online. as expected, i began to talk to people, and struck up some perfectly normal conversations:
Auto response from Throw a Fridge: Homework. Leave a message.
DanceMasterGlenn: I R TEH MASSAGE
DanceMasterGlenn: LEEV
---------------------------------------------------------
SkyscraperBot: oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooohmygodit'sZach!
SkyscraperBot: *pounces*
DanceMasterGlenn: HOLY CRAZP
DanceMasterGlenn: *is eaten alive by ravenous liz
SkyscraperBot: hehehe
DanceMasterGlenn: ...zes.
SkyscraperBot: lol
---------------------------------------------------------
DanceMasterGlenn: mew
Auto response from toastmaster687: in the shower
DanceMasterGlenn: it's zacH
DanceMasterGlenn: (from work)
DanceMasterGlenn: just thought i'd say hi, bask in the fact that you're in the shower ^_~ and then go do something and talk to people while you go on doing what you're doing until you come back and IM me
-------------------------------------------------------
BrainMeatandBile: so yeah, how'd the day go?
DanceMasterGlenn: beautifully
BrainMeatandBile: schwah
it was not till i began talking to tai that i thought of a strange but brilliant marketing scheme: why not microwave and sell dead babies for food? certainly everyone would love it. jordan especially was a lover of fine foods such as baby. there was no time to waste!
DanceMasterGlenn: TAI
BrainMeatandBile: ZACH
DanceMasterGlenn: QUICKLY
BrainMeatandBile: WE HAVEN'T GOT MUCH TIME
DanceMasterGlenn: THROW THE BABY
BrainMeatandBile: BYE, BYE, LITTLE GUY
pleased with my success, i contacted my potential buyer in mid throw:
DanceMasterGlenn: hello there
curb trick: greetings
DanceMasterGlenn: would you be intertested in tossed baby?
curb trick: no, i just ate
curb trick: but thank you for the offer
DanceMasterGlenn: CRAP
DanceMasterGlenn: BUT WE ALREADY STARTED TOSSING THE BABY
the baby hung in the air for what seemed an eternity: tai had trown it as high as my hopes and dreams had fallen, shattering on the rocks of despair far below us. i had to make sure the baby didnt meet the same fate:
DanceMasterGlenn: QUICKLY
DanceMasterGlenn: CATCH THE BABY
CloudStrife717: *drops the baby*
CloudStrife717: heh.
CloudStrife717: that one'll be a punk some day
i reacted the only way i know how:
DanceMasterGlenn: OH EM GEE DOUBLE-U TEE EFF BEE BEE Q
CloudStrife717: dude
CloudStrife717: i am so sorry
though his apology was sincere, i was too grieved to react. i had lost both the customer and the product. could this horrible fate be deterred?
curb trick: leftovers, dude
curb trick: babies reheat well.
curb trick: if you throw it in the toaster oven and keep a good eye on it, you should be able to reheat it that way
curb trick: just make sure it doesn't get burny.
curb trick: burnt*
DanceMasterGlenn: i like burny better, but you got it
curb trick: *nods*
jordan had saved the day! and now, to tell tai:
DanceMasterGlenn: BAD NEWS AND GOOD NEWS
DanceMasterGlenn: CHEWS
DanceMasterGlenn: I MEAN
DanceMasterGlenn: CHOOSE
BrainMeatandBile: HMM
BrainMeatandBile: I'll think I'll take the good first
DanceMasterGlenn: okay
DanceMasterGlenn: the BAD news is...
DanceMasterGlenn: JORDAN DOESNT WANT THE TOSSED BABY
DanceMasterGlenn: the good news is that we can reheat it in the toaster if we want it later
BrainMeatandBile: eeexcellent
... and that was the end of THAT chapter. but suddenly, tai played the ace of daimonds, or some card that is pivotal in some card game. yahtzee! i guess.
BrainMeatandBile: let's have it run for mayor
BrainMeatandBile: I always wanted a dead baby for mayor
DanceMasterGlenn: so it shall be!
BrainMeatandBile: huzzah!
DanceMasterGlenn: we need a slogan
DanceMasterGlenn: let me ask around
as anyone who is my friend knows, the only person to go to for slogans is old man ellen, the hobo who lives on the edge of town. i proceeded to her run-down shack and made my inquiry:
DanceMasterGlenn: we need a slogan
Auto response from kw3llen: dont change your name
keep it the same
fear i may lose you again..
i know you wont
its just that i
am unorganized
and i wanna find you when
something good happens..
DanceMasterGlenn: FerPect!
DanceMasterGlenn: you're a doll
DanceMasterGlenn: KIZZES
as i wiped the bitter taste of failure and old man from my mouth, tai had another idea:
BrainMeatandBile: hmm
BrainMeatandBile: what about
BrainMeatandBile: "A better candidate dead than any man alive"
DanceMasterGlenn: no, i found a way better one
DanceMasterGlenn: but ill combine them
DanceMasterGlenn: it will be beautiful.
DanceMasterGlenn: the most beautiful crature nman has ever tainted
BrainMeatandBile: hmm
BrainMeatandBile: excellent
it was through this that i came up with a masterful slogan, one so powerful that it broke the curse left on ellen, returning her to the form of the beautious damsel that i had known in the days of my youth. i shall post it here, translated from the stone tablets upon which god himself had written it thus:
"dont change your dead baby
keep it the same
fear i may drop it again..
i know you wont
its just that i
am unorganized
and i wanna find you when
we reheat it..
A better candidate dead than any man alive."
upon viewing it, many became tongue-tied, spouting gibberish so mangled that it took on a strange, carnal beauty.
SkyscraperBot: icet
SkyscraperBot: er
SkyscraperBot: that was supposed to say "I see"
DanceMasterGlenn: incredible.
DanceMasterGlenn: like a car crash, i cannot look away.
SkyscraperBot: yes it was tragic
...but where was the happy ending? with the story sputtering in limbo, i knew something had to be done. with my last ounce of strength, i push myself beyond the realm of the humanly possible, and triumphed!
DanceMasterGlenn: if i could change the alphabet, i'd put U and I together
DanceMasterGlenn: *hops into her arms*
DanceMasterGlenn: KIZZES
LucyJupiter: awwww : )
DanceMasterGlenn: HAPPY ENDING
LucyJupiter: heehee!
and so it was done. another story had come to a close, and this time, the promise of a new day dawned before me. who knew what the future would hold? as i sat on the mountaintop, tasting of the fruit of the mango tree, i realized that strength couldnt be measured by muscle size, but by the size of one's heart.1 and as my heart was so large i had to carry it around in a duffel bad, i knew that everything was finally, FINALLY, going to be alright.
... or was it?
1. this is actually untrue. over years of medical testing, it has been proven that strength really IS measured by muscle size. thank you for your time.
Auto response from Throw a Fridge: Homework. Leave a message.
DanceMasterGlenn: I R TEH MASSAGE
DanceMasterGlenn: LEEV
---------------------------------------------------------
SkyscraperBot: oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooohmygodit'sZach!
SkyscraperBot: *pounces*
DanceMasterGlenn: HOLY CRAZP
DanceMasterGlenn: *is eaten alive by ravenous liz
SkyscraperBot: hehehe
DanceMasterGlenn: ...zes.
SkyscraperBot: lol
---------------------------------------------------------
DanceMasterGlenn: mew
Auto response from toastmaster687: in the shower
DanceMasterGlenn: it's zacH
DanceMasterGlenn: (from work)
DanceMasterGlenn: just thought i'd say hi, bask in the fact that you're in the shower ^_~ and then go do something and talk to people while you go on doing what you're doing until you come back and IM me
-------------------------------------------------------
BrainMeatandBile: so yeah, how'd the day go?
DanceMasterGlenn: beautifully
BrainMeatandBile: schwah
it was not till i began talking to tai that i thought of a strange but brilliant marketing scheme: why not microwave and sell dead babies for food? certainly everyone would love it. jordan especially was a lover of fine foods such as baby. there was no time to waste!
DanceMasterGlenn: TAI
BrainMeatandBile: ZACH
DanceMasterGlenn: QUICKLY
BrainMeatandBile: WE HAVEN'T GOT MUCH TIME
DanceMasterGlenn: THROW THE BABY
BrainMeatandBile: BYE, BYE, LITTLE GUY
pleased with my success, i contacted my potential buyer in mid throw:
DanceMasterGlenn: hello there
curb trick: greetings
DanceMasterGlenn: would you be intertested in tossed baby?
curb trick: no, i just ate
curb trick: but thank you for the offer
DanceMasterGlenn: CRAP
DanceMasterGlenn: BUT WE ALREADY STARTED TOSSING THE BABY
the baby hung in the air for what seemed an eternity: tai had trown it as high as my hopes and dreams had fallen, shattering on the rocks of despair far below us. i had to make sure the baby didnt meet the same fate:
DanceMasterGlenn: QUICKLY
DanceMasterGlenn: CATCH THE BABY
CloudStrife717: *drops the baby*
CloudStrife717: heh.
CloudStrife717: that one'll be a punk some day
i reacted the only way i know how:
DanceMasterGlenn: OH EM GEE DOUBLE-U TEE EFF BEE BEE Q
CloudStrife717: dude
CloudStrife717: i am so sorry
though his apology was sincere, i was too grieved to react. i had lost both the customer and the product. could this horrible fate be deterred?
curb trick: leftovers, dude
curb trick: babies reheat well.
curb trick: if you throw it in the toaster oven and keep a good eye on it, you should be able to reheat it that way
curb trick: just make sure it doesn't get burny.
curb trick: burnt*
DanceMasterGlenn: i like burny better, but you got it
curb trick: *nods*
jordan had saved the day! and now, to tell tai:
DanceMasterGlenn: BAD NEWS AND GOOD NEWS
DanceMasterGlenn: CHEWS
DanceMasterGlenn: I MEAN
DanceMasterGlenn: CHOOSE
BrainMeatandBile: HMM
BrainMeatandBile: I'll think I'll take the good first
DanceMasterGlenn: okay
DanceMasterGlenn: the BAD news is...
DanceMasterGlenn: JORDAN DOESNT WANT THE TOSSED BABY
DanceMasterGlenn: the good news is that we can reheat it in the toaster if we want it later
BrainMeatandBile: eeexcellent
... and that was the end of THAT chapter. but suddenly, tai played the ace of daimonds, or some card that is pivotal in some card game. yahtzee! i guess.
BrainMeatandBile: let's have it run for mayor
BrainMeatandBile: I always wanted a dead baby for mayor
DanceMasterGlenn: so it shall be!
BrainMeatandBile: huzzah!
DanceMasterGlenn: we need a slogan
DanceMasterGlenn: let me ask around
as anyone who is my friend knows, the only person to go to for slogans is old man ellen, the hobo who lives on the edge of town. i proceeded to her run-down shack and made my inquiry:
DanceMasterGlenn: we need a slogan
Auto response from kw3llen: dont change your name
keep it the same
fear i may lose you again..
i know you wont
its just that i
am unorganized
and i wanna find you when
something good happens..
DanceMasterGlenn: FerPect!
DanceMasterGlenn: you're a doll
DanceMasterGlenn: KIZZES
as i wiped the bitter taste of failure and old man from my mouth, tai had another idea:
BrainMeatandBile: hmm
BrainMeatandBile: what about
BrainMeatandBile: "A better candidate dead than any man alive"
DanceMasterGlenn: no, i found a way better one
DanceMasterGlenn: but ill combine them
DanceMasterGlenn: it will be beautiful.
DanceMasterGlenn: the most beautiful crature nman has ever tainted
BrainMeatandBile: hmm
BrainMeatandBile: excellent
it was through this that i came up with a masterful slogan, one so powerful that it broke the curse left on ellen, returning her to the form of the beautious damsel that i had known in the days of my youth. i shall post it here, translated from the stone tablets upon which god himself had written it thus:
"dont change your dead baby
keep it the same
fear i may drop it again..
i know you wont
its just that i
am unorganized
and i wanna find you when
we reheat it..
A better candidate dead than any man alive."
upon viewing it, many became tongue-tied, spouting gibberish so mangled that it took on a strange, carnal beauty.
SkyscraperBot: icet
SkyscraperBot: er
SkyscraperBot: that was supposed to say "I see"
DanceMasterGlenn: incredible.
DanceMasterGlenn: like a car crash, i cannot look away.
SkyscraperBot: yes it was tragic
...but where was the happy ending? with the story sputtering in limbo, i knew something had to be done. with my last ounce of strength, i push myself beyond the realm of the humanly possible, and triumphed!
DanceMasterGlenn: if i could change the alphabet, i'd put U and I together
DanceMasterGlenn: *hops into her arms*
DanceMasterGlenn: KIZZES
LucyJupiter: awwww : )
DanceMasterGlenn: HAPPY ENDING
LucyJupiter: heehee!
and so it was done. another story had come to a close, and this time, the promise of a new day dawned before me. who knew what the future would hold? as i sat on the mountaintop, tasting of the fruit of the mango tree, i realized that strength couldnt be measured by muscle size, but by the size of one's heart.1 and as my heart was so large i had to carry it around in a duffel bad, i knew that everything was finally, FINALLY, going to be alright.
... or was it?
1. this is actually untrue. over years of medical testing, it has been proven that strength really IS measured by muscle size. thank you for your time.