NICE GUYS FINISH LAST
Well. It looks like life played me a cruel joke yet again. James broke up with me to see if he can pursue a relationship with his ex gf. He said he wants to be with me and that I make him happy but he's in love with her. Its a really long story and I replayed the events over and over again in my head I think I'm going to loose it. I've also been high just about non stop today. I will go into further details but right now I just want to be, I dunno, happy.
What is with my luck with men? The good ones were taken away by bitches and the bad ones keep waisting my time. Unfortunetly I'm not at the point where I can be bitter with the breakup. I even had a strange sense of happiness when I saw the expression on James' face when I came "home" and saw him holding her. He looked happy. I'm saying happy a lot. I just stopped myself from changing the words to something else. I just need to say whatever and don't fix it. I wish things were how they were a week ago. I can't change how someone feels. I know she's going to break his heart. I think he's in love with their future plans that utterly failed. Shit isn't going to go her way one day and its going to hit the fan. I want James to be happy. I hope the best for him. I wish I was the one he was in love with. I wish I could be selfish. That is just not going to happen.
Tomorrow I will decide if I'm going back to Orlando or trying to stick it out in Plant City. I'm going to work extra early to talk to my boss. I hope Ms. Rita is there. Maybe she could help me find affordable housing or at least for a temporary deal to give her time to hire someone else and I can save some money. If I had some funds to get me through a couple of weeks without working that would be great. I would feel financially more secure. At least tomorrow's paycheck is paying my car insurance so I'm good for another month. I highly doubt now that I do have reliable transportation that it would be difficult to find work. Perhaps my real estate career would blossom quicker in the busy O-town. I miss my family so much. The only thing I'm leaving behind besides all the great times at the patch is Amy. I got attached to her as I was dating her brother. Its ironic how I've been saying for the past two years is that all I really need is a good friend. Now that I find one I have to move away. I don't know if moving is my only option but I'm clueless about if I really want to stay. Part of me wants to stay in hopes James changes his mind and the other part of me that wants to stay includes Amy. Even if he didn't take me back. I'm also tired of packing and moving around. I don't want to live with my parents. Man. I feel confused and lost. Like the floor was taken from right under my feet and I'm falling. The messed up thing is that my mind doesn't want to start the getting over him part yet. Like the reasoning why it wouldn't work out or that I deserve better. You know all those things that make you feel better and that help me distant myself. That is so fucked up. I still don't want to admit that its over. Denial. I already miss the fuck out of him. Its sad that he never got to meet my parents or that I couldn't take him to Disney.
It makes me angry that I've been told conflicting things from James. Last night he told me he wanted a break. Just to straighten out his head. Then she just moves right back in. No real time to figure anything out, he already pursuing her while on our break. You know what, now I'm starting to get bitter. The bitterness is being held back by the hope he will come to his senses and I don't want to think anything negative. I'm fucking insane. I've been with this man for a little over a month. I fall way too fucking fast, I love everything about him. It was an amazing month.
Damn I just want to go to sleep but the bed has been taken over and "they" are still laying in the living room. I wish they would just go to bed so I can sleep. I would nap in the computer room but Jason is on his computer and that might be too weird.
What is with my luck with men? The good ones were taken away by bitches and the bad ones keep waisting my time. Unfortunetly I'm not at the point where I can be bitter with the breakup. I even had a strange sense of happiness when I saw the expression on James' face when I came "home" and saw him holding her. He looked happy. I'm saying happy a lot. I just stopped myself from changing the words to something else. I just need to say whatever and don't fix it. I wish things were how they were a week ago. I can't change how someone feels. I know she's going to break his heart. I think he's in love with their future plans that utterly failed. Shit isn't going to go her way one day and its going to hit the fan. I want James to be happy. I hope the best for him. I wish I was the one he was in love with. I wish I could be selfish. That is just not going to happen.
Tomorrow I will decide if I'm going back to Orlando or trying to stick it out in Plant City. I'm going to work extra early to talk to my boss. I hope Ms. Rita is there. Maybe she could help me find affordable housing or at least for a temporary deal to give her time to hire someone else and I can save some money. If I had some funds to get me through a couple of weeks without working that would be great. I would feel financially more secure. At least tomorrow's paycheck is paying my car insurance so I'm good for another month. I highly doubt now that I do have reliable transportation that it would be difficult to find work. Perhaps my real estate career would blossom quicker in the busy O-town. I miss my family so much. The only thing I'm leaving behind besides all the great times at the patch is Amy. I got attached to her as I was dating her brother. Its ironic how I've been saying for the past two years is that all I really need is a good friend. Now that I find one I have to move away. I don't know if moving is my only option but I'm clueless about if I really want to stay. Part of me wants to stay in hopes James changes his mind and the other part of me that wants to stay includes Amy. Even if he didn't take me back. I'm also tired of packing and moving around. I don't want to live with my parents. Man. I feel confused and lost. Like the floor was taken from right under my feet and I'm falling. The messed up thing is that my mind doesn't want to start the getting over him part yet. Like the reasoning why it wouldn't work out or that I deserve better. You know all those things that make you feel better and that help me distant myself. That is so fucked up. I still don't want to admit that its over. Denial. I already miss the fuck out of him. Its sad that he never got to meet my parents or that I couldn't take him to Disney.
It makes me angry that I've been told conflicting things from James. Last night he told me he wanted a break. Just to straighten out his head. Then she just moves right back in. No real time to figure anything out, he already pursuing her while on our break. You know what, now I'm starting to get bitter. The bitterness is being held back by the hope he will come to his senses and I don't want to think anything negative. I'm fucking insane. I've been with this man for a little over a month. I fall way too fucking fast, I love everything about him. It was an amazing month.
Damn I just want to go to sleep but the bed has been taken over and "they" are still laying in the living room. I wish they would just go to bed so I can sleep. I would nap in the computer room but Jason is on his computer and that might be too weird.