Where does the time go?
Life is like a box of chocolates. If you indulge too much you will gain weight or you will loose it if you let life pass you by. My weight is pretty much the same since high school. So I have no idea what sense I'm making because I feel like I've let myself down yet again. Continue to make the same mistakes I guess will end up in the same place I started. Although I feel like I lost a part of me along the way but I'm determined to gain it back, no matter the cost. I will no longer rely on anyone but myself because thats all I have left. I still have my family but I was never close to them. I always thought my personal relationships with the opposite sex were more important. In a fucked up way I found out why after the fact everything failed. I wanted a traditional old fashioned life with a bit of modern twist. I never would have pictured myself as a housewife, ever. Ironically that ideal depends on someone else working with me to make that come true. My best character traits that I adored were used against me and now I'm lost. So now I have to find myself. That sounds cheesy but it seems to fit at the moment.
The problem I have right now is that I can't seem to let anyone get close to me anymore. My relationship with my mother has improved but its more of a friendly state of being. I accept that and I won't take that for granted because it starts hope for my future. In fact I don't think I ever really let anyone close to me. When I heard someone said that high school was going to be the best days of my life I thought they bullshitting me but now I realize that is true for some people, including myself. I miss highschool. Is that sad or what? I miss just about everything about it and I wish I went another path than the one I went. I wish I tried harder at discovering who I was and what made me happy than to allow myself to get caught up in a world of affection and that "special" attention. I wish I was more independant financially and emotionally. I wish I made more of an effort towards my friendships. I miss them terribly I'm about to cry in the middle of the library.
But its going to be okay. It just has to. I will rebuild myself and become stronger instead of weak as Jason seems to want me to be. Submissive. He wants me to change and yes relationship is about compromise but I kept bending and now my spirit is broken. I keep trying to better my life and our life but he doesn't put any effort towards me or anything he says he's going to do. He lies and hides things from me. I can't trust him anymore, period. He belittles me although I do my best. I'm overextended and I cannot and will not give anymore. I'm tired of the threats to get kicked out, moved back to Orlando. I'm tired of him saying I live there for free although I do 99% of the housework, pay the electric bills, my half of the cell phone, buy groceries, take care of my cat, cooked dinner for him numerous times and cleaned up after it even I had worked that day. My car is completly paid for which the one thing I am most thankful for. I paid it for myself except 100 dollars he chipped in so I can buy it out right. It was 1695 total. I pay my car insurance. I obey traffic laws and try my hardest not to get screwed up. I don't spend alot of money on myself. Majority of it goes towards bills and daily needs. I just got a raise from my job. Now I make 7.50 an hr. Its not much and I deserve more but I've been there a year working harder than anyone there.
My loyalty is used against me. I've stuck with Jason because I thought he was going to try to make it work for us. I've had my fair share of not physical abuse but emotional and now I can understand why women stay where they are. As unhappy I am its addicting to get pushed around then given a little bit of hope to change. I'm also in a need for a place to stay. If I didn't live with Jason I would have left him a long time ago. Now I'm terrified. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should move back into my parents home which I was miserable but financially secure. There's also more to "do" in Orlando than in Plant City. I have nothing here except my job and my cat. My cat is the only consistent thing in my life and I don't know what I would do without her. Its funny how some people seem to hit the nail on the head even when they don't know you very well. Someone told me a couple years or so ago that I would end up in alone with a house full of cats. Oh well, at least cats don't cheat on you or lie to you or make you feel like you're nothing.
What I want most is being independant in all areas of my life. I want my own place to call home and not have anyone else to throw it in my face that I do not pay rent, especially when previous terms were met. I also want to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life, at least something more financially supportive. I plan on getting my real estate liscense and starting on that path. I may or not suceed but I owe it to myself to do my best and find out what is going to make myself happy.
I'm tired. I can't sleep. The only time in my life when I can have a little bit of happiness is when I read or work hard. I love feeling accomplished, tired and worn after work. Like I earned what I make. Unfortunetly when I'm not reading I'm lonely. I wish someone would drop out of the clear blue sky and simply keep me company. I don't need any relationship as I previously seeked but just a good friend.
The problem I have right now is that I can't seem to let anyone get close to me anymore. My relationship with my mother has improved but its more of a friendly state of being. I accept that and I won't take that for granted because it starts hope for my future. In fact I don't think I ever really let anyone close to me. When I heard someone said that high school was going to be the best days of my life I thought they bullshitting me but now I realize that is true for some people, including myself. I miss highschool. Is that sad or what? I miss just about everything about it and I wish I went another path than the one I went. I wish I tried harder at discovering who I was and what made me happy than to allow myself to get caught up in a world of affection and that "special" attention. I wish I was more independant financially and emotionally. I wish I made more of an effort towards my friendships. I miss them terribly I'm about to cry in the middle of the library.
But its going to be okay. It just has to. I will rebuild myself and become stronger instead of weak as Jason seems to want me to be. Submissive. He wants me to change and yes relationship is about compromise but I kept bending and now my spirit is broken. I keep trying to better my life and our life but he doesn't put any effort towards me or anything he says he's going to do. He lies and hides things from me. I can't trust him anymore, period. He belittles me although I do my best. I'm overextended and I cannot and will not give anymore. I'm tired of the threats to get kicked out, moved back to Orlando. I'm tired of him saying I live there for free although I do 99% of the housework, pay the electric bills, my half of the cell phone, buy groceries, take care of my cat, cooked dinner for him numerous times and cleaned up after it even I had worked that day. My car is completly paid for which the one thing I am most thankful for. I paid it for myself except 100 dollars he chipped in so I can buy it out right. It was 1695 total. I pay my car insurance. I obey traffic laws and try my hardest not to get screwed up. I don't spend alot of money on myself. Majority of it goes towards bills and daily needs. I just got a raise from my job. Now I make 7.50 an hr. Its not much and I deserve more but I've been there a year working harder than anyone there.
My loyalty is used against me. I've stuck with Jason because I thought he was going to try to make it work for us. I've had my fair share of not physical abuse but emotional and now I can understand why women stay where they are. As unhappy I am its addicting to get pushed around then given a little bit of hope to change. I'm also in a need for a place to stay. If I didn't live with Jason I would have left him a long time ago. Now I'm terrified. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should move back into my parents home which I was miserable but financially secure. There's also more to "do" in Orlando than in Plant City. I have nothing here except my job and my cat. My cat is the only consistent thing in my life and I don't know what I would do without her. Its funny how some people seem to hit the nail on the head even when they don't know you very well. Someone told me a couple years or so ago that I would end up in alone with a house full of cats. Oh well, at least cats don't cheat on you or lie to you or make you feel like you're nothing.
What I want most is being independant in all areas of my life. I want my own place to call home and not have anyone else to throw it in my face that I do not pay rent, especially when previous terms were met. I also want to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life, at least something more financially supportive. I plan on getting my real estate liscense and starting on that path. I may or not suceed but I owe it to myself to do my best and find out what is going to make myself happy.
I'm tired. I can't sleep. The only time in my life when I can have a little bit of happiness is when I read or work hard. I love feeling accomplished, tired and worn after work. Like I earned what I make. Unfortunetly when I'm not reading I'm lonely. I wish someone would drop out of the clear blue sky and simply keep me company. I don't need any relationship as I previously seeked but just a good friend.