starving for success, i thrive off these challenges.. or i could just be crazy. you pick.
what drives a person?
what makes me so eager to perfect?
why cant i just let it go and
be satisfied at where i am?
why do i keep pushing myself for more?
i want to be better
stronger
faster
more flexible
smarter
even kinder
i find myself improving slowly
in each field,
but i still feel like im not improving fast enough.
i want one of those pt medals on my uniform after the cc.
i want to be a bad ass
i want to be proud of myself.
i want to be healthy.
rotc has changed my life
this time last year i was a pfc
with a death wish and too many journals filled with
dark poetry and hate for people who
made me feel like i wasnt capable of being
good enough
or could ever earn the privaledge of pride.
rotc changed that.
i cant remember the last time i wrote hateful poetry
or had a death wish.
my life was crap a year ago.
it was shit,
and even though i was a cadet then,
i really didnt see how far it would take me
or how it could motivate me
to pull myself out of the hell whole
i had some how dug myself.
and looking back now,
im mad at myself because
im so selfish
and ungrateful.
yeah, so i got healthier and faster
and stronger
and promoted,
so here i am already wanting more..
what kind of ungrateful bitch am i?
i should probably come to terms with my present accomplishments and
go thank god right now for those.
why do i still want more?
why do i strive to do 100 push ups if the most ive done is like 74 or 75?
why do i want this so bad?
is it because this is the first time in my life that i feel healthy?
cuz rotc makes me feel like a good person?
cuz rotc makes me feel good enough?
cuz rotc offers me self satisfaction when i surpass each goal i set for myself?
cuz rotc has in a way saved my life and maybe i think i could repay it by being successful???
i have no clue what-so-ever.
all i know is,
i want to be better.
i know i could do better.
and damnit, i will.
i have to.
i have to because it says so on that pink sticky-note on my bedroom door.
i have to because i thrive off these challenges.
and when i do, do better...
when i am faster and stronger and better...
i'll still
be pushing for more.
is that healthy?
or will this only lead to something bad?
i dont know.
but i know i have to win.
and its funny,
cuz i say im going to try and beat duggan this year,
yet in a way,
im not really out to prove myself to her..
im just trying to prove it to myself.
its like there's this person inside my mind (lol haha im psycho)challenging
me to be the best, daring me to try, daring me to bust my ass from here to may to
prove to them that I CAN, GOD DAMNIT!!.
im just crazy, i guess.
its like im starving for success.
i wonder what set this off??
was it that first challenge last year with mcelwany?
was it trey always telling me that i was a worthless bitch who'd never amount to anything?
was it bj disregarding me like i was never good enough?? is that what started this desire to make sure that i am good enough??
why do i want this so bad?
i dont know. and i guess it doesnt matter.
all that matters is that i dont fail.
thats unnacceptable to me.
i cant. i WONT.
i will try my hardest on the cc.
i might not get all 100's
i might even not beat duggan.
i might even have an off day and only do 30 sit ups.
i might get like a 30 average in every event.
if that happens,
ok, i'll be davastated..
but i wont let it stop me from busting my ass even
harder to make sure it doesnt happen again.
im not sure what im saying my true goal is.
im not sure what the point to this entry is at all.
but i feel better for writing it.
so whatever.
cheerio..
what makes me so eager to perfect?
why cant i just let it go and
be satisfied at where i am?
why do i keep pushing myself for more?
i want to be better
stronger
faster
more flexible
smarter
even kinder
i find myself improving slowly
in each field,
but i still feel like im not improving fast enough.
i want one of those pt medals on my uniform after the cc.
i want to be a bad ass
i want to be proud of myself.
i want to be healthy.
rotc has changed my life
this time last year i was a pfc
with a death wish and too many journals filled with
dark poetry and hate for people who
made me feel like i wasnt capable of being
good enough
or could ever earn the privaledge of pride.
rotc changed that.
i cant remember the last time i wrote hateful poetry
or had a death wish.
my life was crap a year ago.
it was shit,
and even though i was a cadet then,
i really didnt see how far it would take me
or how it could motivate me
to pull myself out of the hell whole
i had some how dug myself.
and looking back now,
im mad at myself because
im so selfish
and ungrateful.
yeah, so i got healthier and faster
and stronger
and promoted,
so here i am already wanting more..
what kind of ungrateful bitch am i?
i should probably come to terms with my present accomplishments and
go thank god right now for those.
why do i still want more?
why do i strive to do 100 push ups if the most ive done is like 74 or 75?
why do i want this so bad?
is it because this is the first time in my life that i feel healthy?
cuz rotc makes me feel like a good person?
cuz rotc makes me feel good enough?
cuz rotc offers me self satisfaction when i surpass each goal i set for myself?
cuz rotc has in a way saved my life and maybe i think i could repay it by being successful???
i have no clue what-so-ever.
all i know is,
i want to be better.
i know i could do better.
and damnit, i will.
i have to.
i have to because it says so on that pink sticky-note on my bedroom door.
i have to because i thrive off these challenges.
and when i do, do better...
when i am faster and stronger and better...
i'll still
be pushing for more.
is that healthy?
or will this only lead to something bad?
i dont know.
but i know i have to win.
and its funny,
cuz i say im going to try and beat duggan this year,
yet in a way,
im not really out to prove myself to her..
im just trying to prove it to myself.
its like there's this person inside my mind (lol haha im psycho)challenging
me to be the best, daring me to try, daring me to bust my ass from here to may to
prove to them that I CAN, GOD DAMNIT!!.
im just crazy, i guess.
its like im starving for success.
i wonder what set this off??
was it that first challenge last year with mcelwany?
was it trey always telling me that i was a worthless bitch who'd never amount to anything?
was it bj disregarding me like i was never good enough?? is that what started this desire to make sure that i am good enough??
why do i want this so bad?
i dont know. and i guess it doesnt matter.
all that matters is that i dont fail.
thats unnacceptable to me.
i cant. i WONT.
i will try my hardest on the cc.
i might not get all 100's
i might even not beat duggan.
i might even have an off day and only do 30 sit ups.
i might get like a 30 average in every event.
if that happens,
ok, i'll be davastated..
but i wont let it stop me from busting my ass even
harder to make sure it doesnt happen again.
im not sure what im saying my true goal is.
im not sure what the point to this entry is at all.
but i feel better for writing it.
so whatever.
cheerio..