(no subject)
The boy called me tonight after a long weekend spent with our families. Randomly, just as we sounded like we were about to hang up, he mentioned that he thought of me today because he listened to a podcast. I'll embed the full version below, but essentially, it was about an app that lets you send messages to anyone based on location, and if another app user sees that message and can offer to physically deliver said message, they'll do it.
It starts with a guy who receives a message from a stranger who tells him, "I fucking love you." It follows up with the girl, who said the fault with the app is, you can send a ton of messages but not know which was delivered, so when she got a text from the guy saying that was sweet, she wasn't sure which message he referred to.
Eventually, it came down to the fact that neither of them could say what they wanted to say aloud to each other because their feelings weren't reciprocated. At this point, I began to wonder where Brownie was going with this anecdote in relation to us.
"Remember last week when we got into a fight, argument, whatever you wanna call it, because you felt that sometimes you don't know my feelings for you because of my inaction? Well, I wanted to say that I'm sorry I'm a jerk sometimes, and that I love you."
I reassured him it wasn't so much that I didn't know how he felt, but that I just needed affirmation. But the first part of his concluding words struck a cord - the whole 'not letting you know how I feel because of inaction' thing. Then and there, I wanted to bring up what's been bottling inside me and this blog for months and years, but it didn't feel right to do over the phone. I might as well have sent someone via this strange app to send that message.
Still, his words reminded me of the many reasons I fell in love with him in the first place. His imagination, his ways of storytelling to get to a larger picture. This has been how he's always understood and related to things. Maybe sometimes I expect him to be upfront with me when in reality, he has to find his own ways to get his message across to me. And whether that's from a mobile app or being inspired by a podcast, I have to learn to accept that - and stay curious.
It starts with a guy who receives a message from a stranger who tells him, "I fucking love you." It follows up with the girl, who said the fault with the app is, you can send a ton of messages but not know which was delivered, so when she got a text from the guy saying that was sweet, she wasn't sure which message he referred to.
Eventually, it came down to the fact that neither of them could say what they wanted to say aloud to each other because their feelings weren't reciprocated. At this point, I began to wonder where Brownie was going with this anecdote in relation to us.
"Remember last week when we got into a fight, argument, whatever you wanna call it, because you felt that sometimes you don't know my feelings for you because of my inaction? Well, I wanted to say that I'm sorry I'm a jerk sometimes, and that I love you."
I reassured him it wasn't so much that I didn't know how he felt, but that I just needed affirmation. But the first part of his concluding words struck a cord - the whole 'not letting you know how I feel because of inaction' thing. Then and there, I wanted to bring up what's been bottling inside me and this blog for months and years, but it didn't feel right to do over the phone. I might as well have sent someone via this strange app to send that message.
Still, his words reminded me of the many reasons I fell in love with him in the first place. His imagination, his ways of storytelling to get to a larger picture. This has been how he's always understood and related to things. Maybe sometimes I expect him to be upfront with me when in reality, he has to find his own ways to get his message across to me. And whether that's from a mobile app or being inspired by a podcast, I have to learn to accept that - and stay curious.