(no subject)
When you do something, you should do it with your whole body and mind, and do it thoroughly. Like a good bonfire. You should burn yourself completely. You should not have a smoky fire. You should leave no trace of yourself in what you do. When the fire is done burning there should be only ash.
I feel that until a few weeks ago I had myself burning thoroughly and I was trying to do a lot for other people and not thinking much about myself. I was, and still am faced with a lot of challenges, and recently I have left a trace of myself, and focused too much on ideals and have been living in the past and the future. I got caught up in something that happened, and I lost a lot of my intent and focus on trying to bring people together. When I got to the point where I had to let go completely and still keep moving forward, I held on. I did not burn myself completely. I let my own sense of doubt ruin my consistency, and I withdrew back to my old ways of passivity and avoidance. I put the fire out too soon, and the smoke poured out. I need to be more consistently assertive, and be more specific about what I am feeling.
I expected things to change quickly, but things have to change little by little. I have been living in Providence for a week now. I feel like my relationship with my parents is changing a lot. I've been trying to settle into this place without getting too comfortable, because I don't want the lady who owns the place to rub off on me, or get too close to me, because she is kinda crazy. My relationships with all my friends have been been strained, or cut off completely, since I have been focused on my own state of transition, and this hurts me a lot. I know that this will be a good thing eventually. I'll have to get more exercise by biking and jogging to work, and it is an amazing opportunity to grow in a lot of different ways, but above all it is a challenge.
I've been reading a book about Zen that has been helping me out a lot. One thing it talked about was that all humans have a 'big mind' and a 'small mind' and most people are too focused on their 'small mind' which deals with reason, logic, feelings etc. and not enough on their 'big mind' which is one with all that exists, and understands the absolute value of all things. It went on further in another chapter to explain the idea of 'Small I' (the self) and 'Big I' (everything or god). We are so caught up in our own creating that we forget who or what created us and everything that exists, and that essentially we are one with that creator. We cannot keep what we create for ourselves, because it was not created by us. To create with the 'Big I' is to give.
Things will unfold however they want, and I know it will be how I least expect it to happen. My life is complicated and unpredictable, and I am only beginning to accept that and embrace it.
I feel that until a few weeks ago I had myself burning thoroughly and I was trying to do a lot for other people and not thinking much about myself. I was, and still am faced with a lot of challenges, and recently I have left a trace of myself, and focused too much on ideals and have been living in the past and the future. I got caught up in something that happened, and I lost a lot of my intent and focus on trying to bring people together. When I got to the point where I had to let go completely and still keep moving forward, I held on. I did not burn myself completely. I let my own sense of doubt ruin my consistency, and I withdrew back to my old ways of passivity and avoidance. I put the fire out too soon, and the smoke poured out. I need to be more consistently assertive, and be more specific about what I am feeling.
I expected things to change quickly, but things have to change little by little. I have been living in Providence for a week now. I feel like my relationship with my parents is changing a lot. I've been trying to settle into this place without getting too comfortable, because I don't want the lady who owns the place to rub off on me, or get too close to me, because she is kinda crazy. My relationships with all my friends have been been strained, or cut off completely, since I have been focused on my own state of transition, and this hurts me a lot. I know that this will be a good thing eventually. I'll have to get more exercise by biking and jogging to work, and it is an amazing opportunity to grow in a lot of different ways, but above all it is a challenge.
I've been reading a book about Zen that has been helping me out a lot. One thing it talked about was that all humans have a 'big mind' and a 'small mind' and most people are too focused on their 'small mind' which deals with reason, logic, feelings etc. and not enough on their 'big mind' which is one with all that exists, and understands the absolute value of all things. It went on further in another chapter to explain the idea of 'Small I' (the self) and 'Big I' (everything or god). We are so caught up in our own creating that we forget who or what created us and everything that exists, and that essentially we are one with that creator. We cannot keep what we create for ourselves, because it was not created by us. To create with the 'Big I' is to give.
Things will unfold however they want, and I know it will be how I least expect it to happen. My life is complicated and unpredictable, and I am only beginning to accept that and embrace it.