(no subject)
Sitting here doing nothing has little to do with the truth, and everything to do with the fact that I cannot place my finger on exactly what I'm feeling. I've got a lot before me, but at the same time I am completely alone. I was something to do. For what seems to be an infinitely large portion of time I experienced a dark comfort in pain that was self inflicted. Tearing myself apart over things I knew were beyond my understanding. I didn't want to understand, but I tried so hard and now its all gone.
At the same time though, nothings gone. I'm just as empty as I was before and I can only learn from what I did wrong. I was selfish. The nature of my psychological pain was biological. The ultimate cause though was a prolonged misunderstanding. Addiction to tension, but feeling a need to release everyone from it. I fear I have dulled my emotions, but I know this will strengthen some part of me. Not the part of me that knew I was wrong the whole time, but the one that still thinks I'm right.
I don't want to be here this summer
At the same time though, nothings gone. I'm just as empty as I was before and I can only learn from what I did wrong. I was selfish. The nature of my psychological pain was biological. The ultimate cause though was a prolonged misunderstanding. Addiction to tension, but feeling a need to release everyone from it. I fear I have dulled my emotions, but I know this will strengthen some part of me. Not the part of me that knew I was wrong the whole time, but the one that still thinks I'm right.
I don't want to be here this summer