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This is currently all I think about these dam days.
Friends and my guy. Has he always been my guy?
Who are my real friends, why I am allowing myself to fuck up in school SO bad, how come everything since Matt has been bullshit, has he found a replacement as good as it was yet, a year of bullshit, im a bad mother to my dogs but I think I will take them for a walk when I am done with this and if I dont Im really shitty, i havent written joe in like 5 days and i feel bad but not, im so confused, i hate that i dont have a kid and i bet he never thinks about it.....and my mom...ugh, im such a bitch to her.
Ok well I am going to have a break down soon if not tomorrow. I went to allens showing today, and i already cant stand the thought of death. maybe i dont wanna share a bed with someone when i do marry, cuz when they pass it will be like there just sleeping without me.
where and the FUCK do souls go. u cant see em and it freaks me out, shit u cant see freaks me out.
im so in love and i think im an idiot. everything was amazing at first, i thought it was all too good to be true, and yeah i guess some of it was. when u have been hurt so bad by someone, do THEY realize how much they will affect your life after that? not just relationship wise either.
i want to prove everyone wrong here. but it seems like all i get is me proving to myself that im an idiot.
however, i digress:
"She drank from a cup that said DRINK ME, and grew tall, she ate from a plate that said TASTE ME, and shrunk so small, and so she changed while everyone else tried nothing at all..."
now i lost all my thoughts and i dont wanna write no more. but i do. shitness.
its soo cold and i want to sneak my dogs in so bad, poor things. i would sleep with them in the van too, but an alarm clocl wont plug in...
ok this was retarded.
will someone write my guy, tell him i great, tell him if he made a mistake not to take it to the grave. tell him to never give me attitude.
every time i visit him i want to break down. does he get me?
u know who did? well ha.
im scared of everything, myself mostly.
i havent taken my stupid depression medicine in like a week, i could die, sweet, NOT!
if it wasnt for ryan last night talking things out with me, i might have, idk, been stupid.
i guess im bothered cuz i am sooooooo understanding and forgive soo easily and i havent seen any of that towards me, not like i did something to need it, but joe is soo stubborn and it makes me crazy.
i cant break him. and yes, i fucking want to.
he can break me, i need some sort of control over something in my fucking life here!
i cant find the words to explain this stuff to him, he says he will do anything for me etc., but then when i think of things i want him to do, I think he will bitch but he shouldnt but god idk what im saying.
i cant possibly explain right now what he is like- cuz even im not sure.
i guess i have been bothered since our last visit cuz he read me a poem i asked him to write, and then later on i said i had the letter he wrote my poem to me in, in my pocket and he said why didnt u tell me? well, maybe this is totally whack, but i did tell him and i saw him look in my eyes and then just pull out his poem and read it to me, but to me when he said that, it felt like, U DIDNT LISTEN..... like, im talking at him not to him. and if i tell him this i dont think he will get it.
but should i really be so picky, i mean, im sure i dot hat to him, i know i do.
see, FUCKING ME BEING UNDERSTANDING. but i dont think he thinks that way. and i think, i mean, maybe i have ti have someone JUST like me in that way.
"Pictures of you, pictures of me,
Remind us all of what we used to be"
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