"It means know thyself."
Feelings. Such trivial things at times, yet they manage to blind even the most rational or logical thought. They are both beautiful and brutal if left unchecked. Over the past few days I have been contemplating something that occurred to me after I watched The Matrix and then The Matrix Reloaded. People often lecture that in order for one to be happy and all that other goodness, they need to know who they are. I stand here bluntly and say that I still don't know who I am, but I hope I do someday. Anyways, the point lies not with knowing who you are. Many times when I watch a movie or read a book, I, like everyone else in this world, identify with a certain person in the plot. Yet, in real life, I can't be all those people that I indentify with. In some cases I dream of being wealthy and popular and in other cases, material things have no value to me at all and all that matters is power and control over things, either real or unreal. As I said, I couldn't possibly be all of these things. So I thought about it. In life, what really matters to people isn't knowing that they are someone in this reality, but what people strive for, but don't look for, is FEELING, that they are someone. There is a big difference in feeling rather than knowing who you are. And as far as I know, feeling is more powerful than knowing. As I stated in the beginning, feelings are powerful. Feeling that we are someone can then lead to understanding more of what purpose we have in life. We all look for purpose. With purpose found, one realizes that they have a choice, they can fulfill their purpose or not. This is where the philosophy ends with filling in the gap in terms of destiny and fate. Such things don't exist seeing as how there is choice. That is the flaw in the master plan of many who wait in emotional ruts. Waiting for the day that something shows them the way to what they are to do, but that day never comes. I've been sitting waiting for it for about 4 years now and after much debate with myself, I think it's time to move forward and fulfill my purpose. It's been all around me for the longest time and all of my mentors have pointed it out to me. To play off of what a good friend once said, "In my life I have been waiting for a train that will never come and I never realize that I actually have a plane ticket to get to where I am going, rather than a train ticket like everyone else." Feelings, they are what make us who we are. Hold on to them, but never let them control you. True insight and wisdom comes from controlling and looking beyond them. I'm glad I got this out of my mind and onto something else. I really liked this thought. And to the one out there who might read this, I have to tell you that after many visits to different psychologists, you are a big factor in why I became depressed. I never wanted to admit it, but it's true. You have an affect on me and will continue to do so until we meet face to face and discuss the truth once and for all. But you said you would tell me when you were ready, so I am still sitting and waiting. I hope you decide to talk about it soon. I think it would make us both feel a lot better. I know it would make me feel happier...