Why I'm the way I am. (And a thank you)
I'm just so damned stressed, I miss my baby, I feel bad when I can't help people, everyday I'm at Brevard I find reasons to miss it, and I naturally think and feel too much. That's what the deal is.
Here, let me explain a bit about why I am myself, and the like lol..
I lost my ability to pretend to feel happy (mind over matter says Mr. Porter), to wear a mask, to keep everything in January of my senior year at Myers Park. I'm not making an excuse, I'm stating why I am the way I am. So I like talking about my emotions, I like trying to work them out through other people or through myself. I think about things a lot because I let things affect me too much. If I feel bad, I may not directly say what's wrong until prodded, but I won't pretend to be happy anymore--that hurts too much, and it's too hard now. Some people said it made me more honest. Lately, it's made me too honest. And yet in some situations (sometimes, the more important ones), I'm not honest enough to speak up about it.
My communication skills have gotten SO much better though. I used to hardly say what was wrong with me, and I'd try and just fix it myself. Give me 3 days, and it will never have happened. But now, I'll write about it in my journal, try and work out why I'm feeling it, talk about it with people, and then confront the issue. Sometimes when I'm finally addressing an issue that bothers me, I'll have a waiver in my voice even when I sound sure, or my hands or even my body may shake some... but at least I'm speaking up finally.
I started making lists compulsively at Brevard last Spring. I had so much going on, I was stressing out and freaking out... I felt like I had to always constantly remind myself of everything. EVERYTHING--what I needed to do, what I wanted to do, what I loved, what I felt, etc--that was important and occurring. And that sometimes makes me very angry that I do that. Especially when I have about 3 of the same list, and nothing can ever get crossed off.
I want to thank him for listening to me, helping me, and trying to grasp where/why I am. When I communicate, it helps (DUH.. what a concept). He thinks I doubt too much, that I worry too much. People deal with things differently, and I need to realize that. He thinks I need to have fun, stop thinking so much, quit doubting--there is nothing to doubt, nothing wrong. So there's distance, so he may be distant. But it's okay. The reason I "worry" so much is because when I feel that something is wrong, I want to be able to help.. and when I know that I can't do anything or am not allowed to help, I feel bad. And situations with him, with Love being involved, things affect me a lot. I feel what he feels, and I react to his actions and emotions regardless of whether or not he knows or wants me to. I let things affect me too much.
Personally, I think that sometimes it isn't the best idea to try and lose yourself in things and forget about what's going on instead of facing your emotions. But I think we all do that sometimes. Not out of fear or cowardice, but just to get away from it all when it's just too much.
Bascially, whenever I get worked up about something that involves him.. whenever I get frustrated or angry or sad or anything, I think about it too much and I get all wrapped up in it. And then when I end up talking to him about it, within about 5-10 minutes, the basics are back to love and the problems are cleared away. Oh communication ;) And bascially, I love him and I am quite blessed to have found someone so understanding and patient with me. So thank you, Christopher James, for everything, for all I've listed and more. I do need to work on what you've said, and more that's been unsaid. You are right--there's no need to doubt, not one reason. Thank you for your constant, unblemished, no-cuts stream of love. Thank you for letting me be your sunshine. Thank you.. always. I love you.
And a bit about me transferring to UNC... one of the reasons I've been so distant at Brevard lately (if I have seemed so) is because I wanted to desensitize myself from everyone so I would miss the college and my friends less. But really, that's just robbing me of my joy in my day in my life so he says. And I agree with that. I did well today though :) I just need to do what McDowell said, what he said, what lots of people say, and make the best of my time here and just live it up to the last drop. I need to start focusing on the positive stuff in my life too, and let the negative go or at least not put so much stock into it.
I'll always been stressed out. But things always get done.
I'll always miss him because I love him. But I'll see him, and Love will get us through.
I'll always have times when I can't help people. But at least I try, and there are times that I can.
I'll always worry about those I love. But I need to realize when it is detrimental to my (or their) health.
There's more. There's always more ;)
But there are 3 makeup quizzes tomorrow at 8am in World Religions that are calling my name, as well as another one... a long day of studying for a History midterm, working a private concert at Charles Taylor's house tonight, classes, hopefully hitting up the gym (probably not), and hopefully practicing. Oh my.
BUT! I am excited about Saturday :) There are lovely plans for that day. And not to mention, I am excited for Friday evening because <3 is coming into Brevard (that being Chris, obviously). And Peter Schickele is performing. Only downside? Performing Sunday morning at that dang church.
Love. Sleep. Life.
Here, let me explain a bit about why I am myself, and the like lol..
I lost my ability to pretend to feel happy (mind over matter says Mr. Porter), to wear a mask, to keep everything in January of my senior year at Myers Park. I'm not making an excuse, I'm stating why I am the way I am. So I like talking about my emotions, I like trying to work them out through other people or through myself. I think about things a lot because I let things affect me too much. If I feel bad, I may not directly say what's wrong until prodded, but I won't pretend to be happy anymore--that hurts too much, and it's too hard now. Some people said it made me more honest. Lately, it's made me too honest. And yet in some situations (sometimes, the more important ones), I'm not honest enough to speak up about it.
My communication skills have gotten SO much better though. I used to hardly say what was wrong with me, and I'd try and just fix it myself. Give me 3 days, and it will never have happened. But now, I'll write about it in my journal, try and work out why I'm feeling it, talk about it with people, and then confront the issue. Sometimes when I'm finally addressing an issue that bothers me, I'll have a waiver in my voice even when I sound sure, or my hands or even my body may shake some... but at least I'm speaking up finally.
I started making lists compulsively at Brevard last Spring. I had so much going on, I was stressing out and freaking out... I felt like I had to always constantly remind myself of everything. EVERYTHING--what I needed to do, what I wanted to do, what I loved, what I felt, etc--that was important and occurring. And that sometimes makes me very angry that I do that. Especially when I have about 3 of the same list, and nothing can ever get crossed off.
I want to thank him for listening to me, helping me, and trying to grasp where/why I am. When I communicate, it helps (DUH.. what a concept). He thinks I doubt too much, that I worry too much. People deal with things differently, and I need to realize that. He thinks I need to have fun, stop thinking so much, quit doubting--there is nothing to doubt, nothing wrong. So there's distance, so he may be distant. But it's okay. The reason I "worry" so much is because when I feel that something is wrong, I want to be able to help.. and when I know that I can't do anything or am not allowed to help, I feel bad. And situations with him, with Love being involved, things affect me a lot. I feel what he feels, and I react to his actions and emotions regardless of whether or not he knows or wants me to. I let things affect me too much.
Personally, I think that sometimes it isn't the best idea to try and lose yourself in things and forget about what's going on instead of facing your emotions. But I think we all do that sometimes. Not out of fear or cowardice, but just to get away from it all when it's just too much.
Bascially, whenever I get worked up about something that involves him.. whenever I get frustrated or angry or sad or anything, I think about it too much and I get all wrapped up in it. And then when I end up talking to him about it, within about 5-10 minutes, the basics are back to love and the problems are cleared away. Oh communication ;) And bascially, I love him and I am quite blessed to have found someone so understanding and patient with me. So thank you, Christopher James, for everything, for all I've listed and more. I do need to work on what you've said, and more that's been unsaid. You are right--there's no need to doubt, not one reason. Thank you for your constant, unblemished, no-cuts stream of love. Thank you for letting me be your sunshine. Thank you.. always. I love you.
And a bit about me transferring to UNC... one of the reasons I've been so distant at Brevard lately (if I have seemed so) is because I wanted to desensitize myself from everyone so I would miss the college and my friends less. But really, that's just robbing me of my joy in my day in my life so he says. And I agree with that. I did well today though :) I just need to do what McDowell said, what he said, what lots of people say, and make the best of my time here and just live it up to the last drop. I need to start focusing on the positive stuff in my life too, and let the negative go or at least not put so much stock into it.
I'll always been stressed out. But things always get done.
I'll always miss him because I love him. But I'll see him, and Love will get us through.
I'll always have times when I can't help people. But at least I try, and there are times that I can.
I'll always worry about those I love. But I need to realize when it is detrimental to my (or their) health.
There's more. There's always more ;)
But there are 3 makeup quizzes tomorrow at 8am in World Religions that are calling my name, as well as another one... a long day of studying for a History midterm, working a private concert at Charles Taylor's house tonight, classes, hopefully hitting up the gym (probably not), and hopefully practicing. Oh my.
BUT! I am excited about Saturday :) There are lovely plans for that day. And not to mention, I am excited for Friday evening because <3 is coming into Brevard (that being Chris, obviously). And Peter Schickele is performing. Only downside? Performing Sunday morning at that dang church.
Love. Sleep. Life.