4th, drive home, lost, 16th, bed.
Happy USA Day everyone. Yay America :)
I went to MountainIslandLake with g'rents and rents, swam and lounged, grilled out burgers and had baked beans and potato salad, and then just read and wrote and chilled. It was nice. Yay.
I had a strange drive home. There was someone who wanted to get over, we were at a stoplight on Fairview and there was a cop in that lane after the intersection. He asked, I said sure. By the time our light changed, the cop and his prey were gone, and we were like meh whatever. But there was something weird about the guy. I can't explain it, but I felt like I needed to know him. Or like maybe I already did. Weird. Maybe I'll see him somewhere later in life.
And then on the rest of the drive, I had on music, and then just ended up cruising around town for an hour more.. and ended up getting almost depressed and sad and sulky feeling. I visited a lot of places while driving, lots of memories and such. It was good but rough. I haven't felt that way in a while. And part of that feeling is... is like wanting to cry so hard but not being able to. Meh.
I have that feeling of being sick of trying.. or of not trying. Of feeling more like the glass is half empty than half full, and that either way, it's halved. And the feeling of when you want to smile, but that's just too much effort. Or when you really want to jump out and say exactly what's on your mind, but you're stuck behind a smile that you're so used to putting up when you feel like shit just to keep people out and away from knowing what's up. And all of if just came from fucking nowhere. Meh..
I'm feeling kind of lost too.
Everyone knows how I keep saying all the things I want to do. And how I want to do everything lol. And part of me is almost thinking that being a Music Major is not the way to go... which is very big thinking. I've been thinking a LOT lately, and putting a lot into my thinking. Brevard doesn't have everything, it never has, but it fits so well. And I LOVE music, it's a passion of mine. But there are things taht I'm also interested in. I want to splash around a bit, explore my options. I don't know... I almost feel like whatever footing I had, I lost. Like I was so sure about where I was going, and then I just got to a crossroads with no signs. I just don't really know. One thing I do know? I don't have enough passion for the oboe. It's not the instrument that is an extension of myself, I haven't been playing for years, it's not ME.. and I don't care enough about it to make it me.. I could be amazing, but I won't be. The only way I'd do it is if I was guaranteed to play film score music. There's so much on my mind.. it's nuts.Another thing I do know? Aside from almost starting to think that Brevard does not have what I need, I miss it and everyone else like woah and I can't wait to get back there.
Chris gets back into Raleigh on the 16th. That is less than 2 weeks away. Time flies in hindsight. I'm excited. And I'm excited for band camp lol, more than the kids actually in the band too. That's sad. But indeed, I can't wait to have him back.. it's weird dating someone for about a month, and then having them be on the other side of the world for 2 months right after. Thank goodness for Skype, it's wondrous. :)
And man I love this song. From Beauty and the Beast-- Alan Menken is a genius. Very moving piece of work. I <3 film scores.
Bed time.. I have work tomorrow. Yet another day of going through Wake Medical files and organizing their out-of-orderness, and being overwhelmed with myself and my thoughts. *sigh* Such is life.
I went to MountainIslandLake with g'rents and rents, swam and lounged, grilled out burgers and had baked beans and potato salad, and then just read and wrote and chilled. It was nice. Yay.
I had a strange drive home. There was someone who wanted to get over, we were at a stoplight on Fairview and there was a cop in that lane after the intersection. He asked, I said sure. By the time our light changed, the cop and his prey were gone, and we were like meh whatever. But there was something weird about the guy. I can't explain it, but I felt like I needed to know him. Or like maybe I already did. Weird. Maybe I'll see him somewhere later in life.
And then on the rest of the drive, I had on music, and then just ended up cruising around town for an hour more.. and ended up getting almost depressed and sad and sulky feeling. I visited a lot of places while driving, lots of memories and such. It was good but rough. I haven't felt that way in a while. And part of that feeling is... is like wanting to cry so hard but not being able to. Meh.
I have that feeling of being sick of trying.. or of not trying. Of feeling more like the glass is half empty than half full, and that either way, it's halved. And the feeling of when you want to smile, but that's just too much effort. Or when you really want to jump out and say exactly what's on your mind, but you're stuck behind a smile that you're so used to putting up when you feel like shit just to keep people out and away from knowing what's up. And all of if just came from fucking nowhere. Meh..
I'm feeling kind of lost too.
Everyone knows how I keep saying all the things I want to do. And how I want to do everything lol. And part of me is almost thinking that being a Music Major is not the way to go... which is very big thinking. I've been thinking a LOT lately, and putting a lot into my thinking. Brevard doesn't have everything, it never has, but it fits so well. And I LOVE music, it's a passion of mine. But there are things taht I'm also interested in. I want to splash around a bit, explore my options. I don't know... I almost feel like whatever footing I had, I lost. Like I was so sure about where I was going, and then I just got to a crossroads with no signs. I just don't really know. One thing I do know? I don't have enough passion for the oboe. It's not the instrument that is an extension of myself, I haven't been playing for years, it's not ME.. and I don't care enough about it to make it me.. I could be amazing, but I won't be. The only way I'd do it is if I was guaranteed to play film score music. There's so much on my mind.. it's nuts.Another thing I do know? Aside from almost starting to think that Brevard does not have what I need, I miss it and everyone else like woah and I can't wait to get back there.
Chris gets back into Raleigh on the 16th. That is less than 2 weeks away. Time flies in hindsight. I'm excited. And I'm excited for band camp lol, more than the kids actually in the band too. That's sad. But indeed, I can't wait to have him back.. it's weird dating someone for about a month, and then having them be on the other side of the world for 2 months right after. Thank goodness for Skype, it's wondrous. :)
And man I love this song. From Beauty and the Beast-- Alan Menken is a genius. Very moving piece of work. I <3 film scores.
Bed time.. I have work tomorrow. Yet another day of going through Wake Medical files and organizing their out-of-orderness, and being overwhelmed with myself and my thoughts. *sigh* Such is life.