2005Review. resolutions, update..
Random bits from the first entry of every month in 2005.. an idea stolen from the wondrous Mandy :)
January
I trust him, and he tells me to trust him, and we'll pull through. I hope. There's always hope.
So happy fucking new years, eh? *sigh*
I hope that 2005 will not pass so quickly, and that I will be able to grab a hold of things and follow what I truly wish to follow, and to not lose what I wish to hold on to, and to stick to some resolutions this time around.
February
It is beautiful and amazing and strong.. but it makes me weak and scared sometimes.. love that is. It was never meant to be easy, any of it. I know the truth in my heart, and I tie it in a knot so tightly.. but my mind can still work its undoing.. I feel longing, I feel loving, I feel weak, I feel needy, I feel ... I feel.
And I think I may just go to bed early again. Sleep makes everything fine :)
March
I realized that.. I'm ready for independence, for college, for music, for a new and fresh start.. but that there is so much I want to hold on to and will still be sad to lose (not lose lose, but be detached from).
I realized that music theatre is yes, a fairly newly discovered passion but a PASSION nonetheless. I realized that I really enjoy Matt's company and think he's a great guy. I realized that there are a lot of friends that I care for, a lot that I miss, and a lot that I want to stay in touch with, no matter what we've been through or lost.
April
The beginning of the break was going well, and then it started slowing down... well, not in the sense of days passing, that was still fast. I don't know what I feel like. It is nice to do nothing though.. school was reallly getting to me, in all areas.
May
I love Freedom Park.
I find that I'm a lot more open and honest than I used to be..
I went and I put a comment up on Ryan's journal.
June
Voice lesson sucked.. but I have only been singing for a year or so. I shouldn't expect to be that great yet. I need to keep trying though.
"First loves never ever truly die."
July
Happy Birthday Laura! You're 21--crazy!
Lucy called. Funny stories.. and we chatted. Reminded me of long converstaions about many things. Aah memories :) And I had lots of fun with Patrick and Sarah and Matt the other day. I love those guys.
Let the good times roll..
August
On the laptop in Raleigh. Nothing too interesting going on here. Had some Harris Teeter sushi last night, hanging out, chilling in the hot tub, hanging with Laura and Erin and Jimmy and John when he was over, going to the dog park, playing with Kuna. Nice up here.
September
I love it here. Oh man. The weather is crazy nice, and the people are awesome, and my roomie rocks the house, and yeah. I love being in the mountains.
I like the random beauty of it here... people playing guitar randomly, people deciding to go camping or just sit around a fire, going to the creek, getting coffee, hanging out in Coltrane, watching the stars, drawing with crayons, watching movies, dying hair, practicing in the stairwells or bathrooms, collaboration on music and improv, inspiration and patience, good and random conversations, laughing and smiling and enjoying being around friends, feeling like I've known some of them forever. It's just so wondrous up here, and I'm loving it.
I FUCKING MISS BAND. There. I said it. I miss marching band like no other.
October
There are some things that happen in life that you don't know whether or not they are right. You don't know if you are making the better choice, or the poorer choice. You don't know what it will mean for the immediate future, let alone the far away future. You don't know.. you just don't know. But some things happen, and you just have to take it and go.
I was up way to late last night.. until like.. 7:30 this morning. I wanted to go to bed, but I ended up listening to people jam, watching a movie, hanging out, having intellectual conversations, meandering about campus, discussing the universe, hanging out, and finally crashing with Howie Day in the background.
November
Morsander. The biggest Avalon event of the year, on Halloween weekend. It was goffing amazing. Crazy crucial event. I was NPCing and GTITing (game tech in training), and it was awesome.
And as usual I got hang out with amazing people during cleanup and Burger King and a little during the event. I love those people so much... *sigh* And I miss Laura and Jimmy already. They just rock so much, really.
I had an amazing conversation with Patrick last night that lasted about 3 hours lol. But umm.. basically I got out a lot, not everything, of what had been bothering me through our relationship, and the issues that I had with him and resentments and bitterness. All this shit from the past that I never wanted to say... It's because I was nonconfrontational, afraid, didn't have control, was uncommunicative about things, and yeah. And it was liberating. And that segued into us just getting out lots of stuff on and about each other and situations and just ranting. It was really good for the both of us, a good release. And I think he better understands where I am, and I think I have a better understanding of who he is becoming and has become the past few months. Good times.
I hope Dora is okay. She is really sick, and she isn't here.. and I don't know if she is okay or not.
I still really am interested in massage therapy and energy healing. One day :) And I kind of don't want to major in Music... but there's nothing else I want to major in.
Some boys are good, some boys are bad, some boys are trying, some boys are lazy, some boys aren't worth it, some boys are. Okay.
December
I adore LOTR, the greatest cinematic endeavor of past, present, and future.
I'm becoming smitten with someone I hardly know. How dreadfully girlish of me, to love from afar lol.
My first semester at college as ended. Kind of scary in a way. But exciting, and new. I'm so focused on what lies ahead, and what could be the path I should try to follow. It's so frightening and stressful to me, but I can't wait for it to keep going. I could try to be in Blast, on Broadway, in a symphony, teaching young musicians, instructing DCI, bartending some nights, massaging and healing, singing in smokey cafes... the possibilities!
Narnia makes me want to fall in love.
So does Hayley Westenra's "What You Never Know".
DAMNIT I miss Avalon. The people and the fun and the stories and the roleplaying and the deaths :) It's so damn exciting. I'll be back one day, I just have to get my life started, that's all.
And dreamland, where all is right and warm.
Went back, found I followed most of my resolutions from last year. They were either to the point for a few things, or open-ended, leaving years to be done. I've done well. That's rare. A few to start of 2006 with then...
1. Be honest and open, and firm.
2. Live, eat, and love healthy :)
3. Practice, and be dedicated!
4. Follow my dreams, however high.
5. Try to always do my best.
6. Love my family, esp. my sister ;p
7. Have friends, and keep in touch.
8. Read more.
9. Live everyday, and smile.
Others too I bet.
I played World of Warcraft today, for the first time in a long time lol. It was fun. Today was a lazy day. And the game took my mind off of a lot of jumbles.. I'm so very lost. I haven't fallen in, I've fallen away. I wonder what to make of it all.
1) I said I didn't want to major in music in November. Intriguing.
2) I love reading what I've written. Some of it astounds me.
3) Aseverasil, my other account.. I should fill it with more.
To dreamland, where all is right and warm.
"Did you get yourself lost in a place you used to call home?"
January
I trust him, and he tells me to trust him, and we'll pull through. I hope. There's always hope.
So happy fucking new years, eh? *sigh*
I hope that 2005 will not pass so quickly, and that I will be able to grab a hold of things and follow what I truly wish to follow, and to not lose what I wish to hold on to, and to stick to some resolutions this time around.
February
It is beautiful and amazing and strong.. but it makes me weak and scared sometimes.. love that is. It was never meant to be easy, any of it. I know the truth in my heart, and I tie it in a knot so tightly.. but my mind can still work its undoing.. I feel longing, I feel loving, I feel weak, I feel needy, I feel ... I feel.
And I think I may just go to bed early again. Sleep makes everything fine :)
March
I realized that.. I'm ready for independence, for college, for music, for a new and fresh start.. but that there is so much I want to hold on to and will still be sad to lose (not lose lose, but be detached from).
I realized that music theatre is yes, a fairly newly discovered passion but a PASSION nonetheless. I realized that I really enjoy Matt's company and think he's a great guy. I realized that there are a lot of friends that I care for, a lot that I miss, and a lot that I want to stay in touch with, no matter what we've been through or lost.
April
The beginning of the break was going well, and then it started slowing down... well, not in the sense of days passing, that was still fast. I don't know what I feel like. It is nice to do nothing though.. school was reallly getting to me, in all areas.
May
I love Freedom Park.
I find that I'm a lot more open and honest than I used to be..
I went and I put a comment up on Ryan's journal.
June
Voice lesson sucked.. but I have only been singing for a year or so. I shouldn't expect to be that great yet. I need to keep trying though.
"First loves never ever truly die."
July
Happy Birthday Laura! You're 21--crazy!
Lucy called. Funny stories.. and we chatted. Reminded me of long converstaions about many things. Aah memories :) And I had lots of fun with Patrick and Sarah and Matt the other day. I love those guys.
Let the good times roll..
August
On the laptop in Raleigh. Nothing too interesting going on here. Had some Harris Teeter sushi last night, hanging out, chilling in the hot tub, hanging with Laura and Erin and Jimmy and John when he was over, going to the dog park, playing with Kuna. Nice up here.
September
I love it here. Oh man. The weather is crazy nice, and the people are awesome, and my roomie rocks the house, and yeah. I love being in the mountains.
I like the random beauty of it here... people playing guitar randomly, people deciding to go camping or just sit around a fire, going to the creek, getting coffee, hanging out in Coltrane, watching the stars, drawing with crayons, watching movies, dying hair, practicing in the stairwells or bathrooms, collaboration on music and improv, inspiration and patience, good and random conversations, laughing and smiling and enjoying being around friends, feeling like I've known some of them forever. It's just so wondrous up here, and I'm loving it.
I FUCKING MISS BAND. There. I said it. I miss marching band like no other.
October
There are some things that happen in life that you don't know whether or not they are right. You don't know if you are making the better choice, or the poorer choice. You don't know what it will mean for the immediate future, let alone the far away future. You don't know.. you just don't know. But some things happen, and you just have to take it and go.
I was up way to late last night.. until like.. 7:30 this morning. I wanted to go to bed, but I ended up listening to people jam, watching a movie, hanging out, having intellectual conversations, meandering about campus, discussing the universe, hanging out, and finally crashing with Howie Day in the background.
November
Morsander. The biggest Avalon event of the year, on Halloween weekend. It was goffing amazing. Crazy crucial event. I was NPCing and GTITing (game tech in training), and it was awesome.
And as usual I got hang out with amazing people during cleanup and Burger King and a little during the event. I love those people so much... *sigh* And I miss Laura and Jimmy already. They just rock so much, really.
I had an amazing conversation with Patrick last night that lasted about 3 hours lol. But umm.. basically I got out a lot, not everything, of what had been bothering me through our relationship, and the issues that I had with him and resentments and bitterness. All this shit from the past that I never wanted to say... It's because I was nonconfrontational, afraid, didn't have control, was uncommunicative about things, and yeah. And it was liberating. And that segued into us just getting out lots of stuff on and about each other and situations and just ranting. It was really good for the both of us, a good release. And I think he better understands where I am, and I think I have a better understanding of who he is becoming and has become the past few months. Good times.
I hope Dora is okay. She is really sick, and she isn't here.. and I don't know if she is okay or not.
I still really am interested in massage therapy and energy healing. One day :) And I kind of don't want to major in Music... but there's nothing else I want to major in.
Some boys are good, some boys are bad, some boys are trying, some boys are lazy, some boys aren't worth it, some boys are. Okay.
December
I adore LOTR, the greatest cinematic endeavor of past, present, and future.
I'm becoming smitten with someone I hardly know. How dreadfully girlish of me, to love from afar lol.
My first semester at college as ended. Kind of scary in a way. But exciting, and new. I'm so focused on what lies ahead, and what could be the path I should try to follow. It's so frightening and stressful to me, but I can't wait for it to keep going. I could try to be in Blast, on Broadway, in a symphony, teaching young musicians, instructing DCI, bartending some nights, massaging and healing, singing in smokey cafes... the possibilities!
Narnia makes me want to fall in love.
So does Hayley Westenra's "What You Never Know".
DAMNIT I miss Avalon. The people and the fun and the stories and the roleplaying and the deaths :) It's so damn exciting. I'll be back one day, I just have to get my life started, that's all.
And dreamland, where all is right and warm.
Went back, found I followed most of my resolutions from last year. They were either to the point for a few things, or open-ended, leaving years to be done. I've done well. That's rare. A few to start of 2006 with then...
1. Be honest and open, and firm.
2. Live, eat, and love healthy :)
3. Practice, and be dedicated!
4. Follow my dreams, however high.
5. Try to always do my best.
6. Love my family, esp. my sister ;p
7. Have friends, and keep in touch.
8. Read more.
9. Live everyday, and smile.
Others too I bet.
I played World of Warcraft today, for the first time in a long time lol. It was fun. Today was a lazy day. And the game took my mind off of a lot of jumbles.. I'm so very lost. I haven't fallen in, I've fallen away. I wonder what to make of it all.
1) I said I didn't want to major in music in November. Intriguing.
2) I love reading what I've written. Some of it astounds me.
3) Aseverasil, my other account.. I should fill it with more.
To dreamland, where all is right and warm.
"Did you get yourself lost in a place you used to call home?"