Dreaming in present.
I'm back on the balcony in that little town in Italy, Orvieto.. and it's warm outside, but there's a nice breeze. It's dark out.. some stars, and then far off, you can see headlights in both directions for a long while, and some house lights leading up.. And countryside, calm and beautiful, shaded by the night. There would be town noise and whatnot, but I've got my headphones on... "The Unstolen Jewel", Radical Dreamers, the credits song from Chrono Cross. Acoustic guitar, and a clear, beautiful, female Japanese voice.. minor sounding, but with uplifting points.. and then it changes to major and this amazing harmony section.. gorgeous. I'm leaning on the railing, staring at the stars, the lights, feeling the breeze.. It's the summer after 9th grade, and I've got thoughts of the new year, of the past year, of that new Romeo romance thing, of growing up and starting to grow up... everything is so fresh and new and waiting for me. I'm young, innocent, naive, curious, anxious... I'm in Italy, at night, listening to a moving song, stargazing, thinking about love and boys and life and joys..
The song started playing on my player while I was in bed... and I started crying. Music can make me remember things so well. And I cried. I cried for growing up, for losing things, for leaving things. I cried for having to know things, for hurting myself and people, for forgetting things. I cried for Patrick, for love, for time, for life. I cried for being a senior, for getting ready to head out into something completely new, for not knowing where my life will take me, for being older and wiser and stronger, for being broken. I cried for passion, for feelings, for moments. I cried for the goosebumps I get from perfect harmonies and chords, for the hopeless romantic fantasies like stargazing and picnics and cuddling that I always get, for wanting to be a better sister. I cried for what I have to hold back, for what I have to hide, for what I can't hide.
There is so much that goes on inside of people.. you can pass a person on the street, on the sidewalk, in the park, on the quad, and you can smile and them and they can smile back.. but you don't know what's going on inside. You don't know if they keep the smile once they pass. You don't know if it was hard to smile, if they hadn't in weeks. You don't know who made them who they are, what they've been through. It's so crazy.
I'm in a weird mood now. I'm all nostalgic and profound feeling.. all thinking about life and things.. and how music makes me recall things so well. The twinkle in smiling eyes which wraps you up in warmth and care.. The laughs that make you cry because of all the good times and jokes. The painful moments that seemed to last forever and never let hope enter. The carefree days of long gone childhood and beautiful summer sun, sky, grass, and lemonade stands. The different stages of life that each have their own feeling and knowledge and things.
I'm afraid of what I won't find. Of what I won't be able to hold on to. Of what I know and accept and have had to adapt to... after all the changing that I've done, I don't want to change anymore in some respects. I'm afraid of comparisons, of higher or lower standards. Of feeling out of place and wanting the past back. I'm afraid of the new.. of coming moments.. of not being able to take them in and live in them as they come. I'm afraid of what I won't be able to accept and adapt to. Of not finding myself, or finding what I don't want to find. Of what I will have to let go of in order to keep going. Of what I want to keep close to me.
The song started playing on my player while I was in bed... and I started crying. Music can make me remember things so well. And I cried. I cried for growing up, for losing things, for leaving things. I cried for having to know things, for hurting myself and people, for forgetting things. I cried for Patrick, for love, for time, for life. I cried for being a senior, for getting ready to head out into something completely new, for not knowing where my life will take me, for being older and wiser and stronger, for being broken. I cried for passion, for feelings, for moments. I cried for the goosebumps I get from perfect harmonies and chords, for the hopeless romantic fantasies like stargazing and picnics and cuddling that I always get, for wanting to be a better sister. I cried for what I have to hold back, for what I have to hide, for what I can't hide.
There is so much that goes on inside of people.. you can pass a person on the street, on the sidewalk, in the park, on the quad, and you can smile and them and they can smile back.. but you don't know what's going on inside. You don't know if they keep the smile once they pass. You don't know if it was hard to smile, if they hadn't in weeks. You don't know who made them who they are, what they've been through. It's so crazy.
I'm in a weird mood now. I'm all nostalgic and profound feeling.. all thinking about life and things.. and how music makes me recall things so well. The twinkle in smiling eyes which wraps you up in warmth and care.. The laughs that make you cry because of all the good times and jokes. The painful moments that seemed to last forever and never let hope enter. The carefree days of long gone childhood and beautiful summer sun, sky, grass, and lemonade stands. The different stages of life that each have their own feeling and knowledge and things.
I'm afraid of what I won't find. Of what I won't be able to hold on to. Of what I know and accept and have had to adapt to... after all the changing that I've done, I don't want to change anymore in some respects. I'm afraid of comparisons, of higher or lower standards. Of feeling out of place and wanting the past back. I'm afraid of the new.. of coming moments.. of not being able to take them in and live in them as they come. I'm afraid of what I won't be able to accept and adapt to. Of not finding myself, or finding what I don't want to find. Of what I will have to let go of in order to keep going. Of what I want to keep close to me.