Today, and a musical tomorrow!
Being sick makes you slow and lazy.. SIGH. I've watched 5 movies today, all while trying to do my guided coursework and my art projects. I've decided that the history test will suck and I won't do well regardless of anything; I feel so uncomfortable with this unit, so whatever. I may end up with a C or a B. Either way, history never has been strong, and consistency is important, so a C works for me lol. The EE needs revising and I need to talk to Taylor about it and the SEP and the product idea I have.. and someone else needs to get to work on their SEP (nudge nudge). I need to make up a math test and figure out what my tok presentation will be. School sucks lol.
I was with Patrick yesterday after working on the EE and history and the GC#1 at Starbucks. We got lunch, shot at each other with soft pellet guns in cold rain, and napped :) Good times. And Matt Masten came over around 8 so they could sing--oh, beautiful voices. I love Patrick's voice--so powerful. If he doesn't do something with music, I'll kill him lol. And Matt has got to do something with musical theatre. Direct or act, though somehow I can see him as a director better. Matt's hilarious too. It was a fun little piece of the evening. And it got me thinking how much I love acapella (duh) and how much I would love to do musical theatre and all that...
...And this cut is fairly long, but it may give you inspiration or some insight about me.. so read if you like, but it's just to save your page space :) Your welcome, in advance.
So I found some oboe method books in the closet when the kitty went in there... I just keep seeing music all around me, and .. well, after not getting much work done over the break really and knowing that I had so much to do.. and seeing that my only passions are in music and love right now, there's nothing I can do about anything else. And I don't really want to do anything about anything else.
And I feel like I'm on the threshold of something big.. And I know that it's being a senior, being on the verge of collegiate life.. Marching band, the one HUGE committment that I've had and kept for 5 years, and the family and the "cast" that I've gone through and the past 2 years helped lead.. it's finally over and done with.. And high school is coming too close to the end for comfort.. it'll be over before I know it. And, although I'm so excited about where life will take me, who I'll meet and what I'll become... I'm afraid of what I'll lose when and if I go through with it next year, and I'm afraid of what I'll leave behind or never catch up with..
Yet even so, I feel like I need to just let go and focus on what I feel is best for me. Right now, I'm absorbed in singing, playing piano, glancing longingly at the guitar, and playing the oboe.. and being with Patrick of course (which I have no idea what will happen at the end of high school.. one day at a time though lol).. I do feel like I need to get a job so I can get used to that, and make some money to save up (and if I worked at Subway I could get free subs lol.. mmm). I don't mean to shove other things out of the way like friends and family. Both matter to me dearly, my sister especially. I don't mean to not care about how I do in school. But right now, after being around schoolwork all day, the moments I perk up at (besides my sneezing kitty and eating some chocolate cake and salad with zesty italian dressing that I haven't had since a long time ago with Cathy) are when I find my Christmas music cd, send a little text message to him, and see music all around my room.
I know what I feel.. and I feel like nothing else matters to me right now. I feel like my heart and mind have been weighted down with so much worry and stress. I freak out about things like school, but it all gets done. And nothing else really matters to me.. Music gives me goosebumps and chills, and I live for those perfect harmonies. Patrick and his home, his mom, his life, his love.. it all makes me feel so welcome and protected and full. The empty spaces that we all have are filled with different things. Mine? Music and love. And I've got both in my life right now, and I'm sick of freaking out about everything else.
I want to get voice lessons and sing amazingly. I want to be in the school musical, and I want to audition really well. College? It's ASU and UNCG, unless I somehow magically make the music theatre program at Elon... and THAT would be AMAZING... I just.. I feel like I'm growing up and like I'm being drawn in a million different directions, and I have to cut the ties so I can be drawn to only a few and not be torn into pieces! And I want to be drawn to music. I want to audition and be grand.. I want to practice the oboe and make reeds and play beautifully. I want to get better at the piano, maybe write something, sing something! And I want to sing amazingly.. and after watching Center Stage twice over the break, I would LOVE to act and dance and sing all at once! I want to learn how to play the guitar and maybe a brass instrument.. Aaah, there's so much that I want to accomplish, and I can't wait to begin and continue it all forever lol.
I don't know what I want to do for the rest of my life, but I know that it has to be something I love. And that's music. And I don't know what I'll end up doing, but I know that I'll end up loving it because that's who I am.
Friday night, coming home, I cried and I felt weird and lost and confused. Part of it was a release of stress, part of it was just being confused, part of it was having to leave an atmosphere I crave and live off of, part of it.. well.. I don't know all the parts of it. But I know that, as a whole, it was part of this year, of me getting ready to let go of this 4-year endeavor that has taken a hold of me and turned me into someone who is still growing but has so much more wisdom and maturity than she ever could've dreamed of. I'm becoming a woman, and with all the help I've had along the way and all the falls and tears and whatnots that high school has given me, I'm starting to realize and feel that, no matter what I'm afraid of or want to hold on to, in the end, it'll be right and all work out. And I'm starting to feel okay with being a senior, with being "on the edge". I'm starting to feel ready.
I know what I feel, and I've felt burdened to the breaking point with petty things. I'll make it through the rough, I have before. And I'll get that IB Diploma, I'll graduate from high school, I'll make my family proud, I'll do well on auditions, and I'll follow my dreams. All of it will happen as it should, and I'm not going to worry about any of it. I've done that far too much.
All I worry about is losing one or the other of my passions. Because losing either would be losing a piece of myself, and would be hard to recover from.
Tomorrow won't really be all that musical.. save for QuickBlend, WomensChamber, and if I get to skip PE, then piano lol. The title was figuratively speaking, that's all ;)
This week is full of some long nights I bet--and the play runs 12/2-12/4, so that's most of it! The band fruit comes in Friday, and I have some afternoons that will be full of working or practicing. Palmieri will hopefully get me a teacher, and Casciani will get a call from me by next week I'm sure. As for now? My homework is in the other room, I am in mine, and there's Christmas music on the floor that I'm waiting to put in the cd player. Which room am I going to be in? Hmm lol...
I was with Patrick yesterday after working on the EE and history and the GC#1 at Starbucks. We got lunch, shot at each other with soft pellet guns in cold rain, and napped :) Good times. And Matt Masten came over around 8 so they could sing--oh, beautiful voices. I love Patrick's voice--so powerful. If he doesn't do something with music, I'll kill him lol. And Matt has got to do something with musical theatre. Direct or act, though somehow I can see him as a director better. Matt's hilarious too. It was a fun little piece of the evening. And it got me thinking how much I love acapella (duh) and how much I would love to do musical theatre and all that...
...And this cut is fairly long, but it may give you inspiration or some insight about me.. so read if you like, but it's just to save your page space :) Your welcome, in advance.
So I found some oboe method books in the closet when the kitty went in there... I just keep seeing music all around me, and .. well, after not getting much work done over the break really and knowing that I had so much to do.. and seeing that my only passions are in music and love right now, there's nothing I can do about anything else. And I don't really want to do anything about anything else.
And I feel like I'm on the threshold of something big.. And I know that it's being a senior, being on the verge of collegiate life.. Marching band, the one HUGE committment that I've had and kept for 5 years, and the family and the "cast" that I've gone through and the past 2 years helped lead.. it's finally over and done with.. And high school is coming too close to the end for comfort.. it'll be over before I know it. And, although I'm so excited about where life will take me, who I'll meet and what I'll become... I'm afraid of what I'll lose when and if I go through with it next year, and I'm afraid of what I'll leave behind or never catch up with..
Yet even so, I feel like I need to just let go and focus on what I feel is best for me. Right now, I'm absorbed in singing, playing piano, glancing longingly at the guitar, and playing the oboe.. and being with Patrick of course (which I have no idea what will happen at the end of high school.. one day at a time though lol).. I do feel like I need to get a job so I can get used to that, and make some money to save up (and if I worked at Subway I could get free subs lol.. mmm). I don't mean to shove other things out of the way like friends and family. Both matter to me dearly, my sister especially. I don't mean to not care about how I do in school. But right now, after being around schoolwork all day, the moments I perk up at (besides my sneezing kitty and eating some chocolate cake and salad with zesty italian dressing that I haven't had since a long time ago with Cathy) are when I find my Christmas music cd, send a little text message to him, and see music all around my room.
I know what I feel.. and I feel like nothing else matters to me right now. I feel like my heart and mind have been weighted down with so much worry and stress. I freak out about things like school, but it all gets done. And nothing else really matters to me.. Music gives me goosebumps and chills, and I live for those perfect harmonies. Patrick and his home, his mom, his life, his love.. it all makes me feel so welcome and protected and full. The empty spaces that we all have are filled with different things. Mine? Music and love. And I've got both in my life right now, and I'm sick of freaking out about everything else.
I want to get voice lessons and sing amazingly. I want to be in the school musical, and I want to audition really well. College? It's ASU and UNCG, unless I somehow magically make the music theatre program at Elon... and THAT would be AMAZING... I just.. I feel like I'm growing up and like I'm being drawn in a million different directions, and I have to cut the ties so I can be drawn to only a few and not be torn into pieces! And I want to be drawn to music. I want to audition and be grand.. I want to practice the oboe and make reeds and play beautifully. I want to get better at the piano, maybe write something, sing something! And I want to sing amazingly.. and after watching Center Stage twice over the break, I would LOVE to act and dance and sing all at once! I want to learn how to play the guitar and maybe a brass instrument.. Aaah, there's so much that I want to accomplish, and I can't wait to begin and continue it all forever lol.
I don't know what I want to do for the rest of my life, but I know that it has to be something I love. And that's music. And I don't know what I'll end up doing, but I know that I'll end up loving it because that's who I am.
Friday night, coming home, I cried and I felt weird and lost and confused. Part of it was a release of stress, part of it was just being confused, part of it was having to leave an atmosphere I crave and live off of, part of it.. well.. I don't know all the parts of it. But I know that, as a whole, it was part of this year, of me getting ready to let go of this 4-year endeavor that has taken a hold of me and turned me into someone who is still growing but has so much more wisdom and maturity than she ever could've dreamed of. I'm becoming a woman, and with all the help I've had along the way and all the falls and tears and whatnots that high school has given me, I'm starting to realize and feel that, no matter what I'm afraid of or want to hold on to, in the end, it'll be right and all work out. And I'm starting to feel okay with being a senior, with being "on the edge". I'm starting to feel ready.
I know what I feel, and I've felt burdened to the breaking point with petty things. I'll make it through the rough, I have before. And I'll get that IB Diploma, I'll graduate from high school, I'll make my family proud, I'll do well on auditions, and I'll follow my dreams. All of it will happen as it should, and I'm not going to worry about any of it. I've done that far too much.
All I worry about is losing one or the other of my passions. Because losing either would be losing a piece of myself, and would be hard to recover from.
Tomorrow won't really be all that musical.. save for QuickBlend, WomensChamber, and if I get to skip PE, then piano lol. The title was figuratively speaking, that's all ;)
This week is full of some long nights I bet--and the play runs 12/2-12/4, so that's most of it! The band fruit comes in Friday, and I have some afternoons that will be full of working or practicing. Palmieri will hopefully get me a teacher, and Casciani will get a call from me by next week I'm sure. As for now? My homework is in the other room, I am in mine, and there's Christmas music on the floor that I'm waiting to put in the cd player. Which room am I going to be in? Hmm lol...