fic: who i was, from the start
Title: who i was, from the start
Characters: Yuri, Yoona
Rating: pg13
Disclaimer: still about as real as a straight tower of Pisa.
They were supposed to be doing homework, or at least Yoona was, but somewhere between world history and biology Yoona got bored. Mostly it was because Yuri had left Yoona in the dining room and then disappeared to another part of the house.
It was silent so Yuri couldn't have been watching TV or listening to music. Maybe she was reading. Or collecting more poems.
The chair tipped backwards and Yoona held onto the table, trying to see into Yuri's room but saw nothing. She carefully put the chair back on all four legs before she crashed to the floor and broke her neck. The colorful picture of a mitochondria wasn't enough to persuade her to study so she left the books and quietly walked to Yuri's room.
When Yoona poked her head in, Yuri was doing sit ups. She counted twenty of them (who knew how many Yuri had done before Yoona came) before going around and sitting in front of Yuri.
It had been two weeks since Yuri's race and since then she was doing all kinds of small exercises to get into better shape. Her knee had mostly healed and the ugly bruise that formed was beginning to fade. Luckily, Yoona had yet to see it but Yuri was required to make excuses every time Yoona wanted to shower together. The knee was bothersome, not just in the sense of physical pain.
"This is new," Yoona said, resting her arm on Yuri's knees as the girl completed more sit ups. Her eyes naturally descended to Yuri's stomach, watching the muscles contract and loosen. Now this was a biology she could easily get into.
"I'm out of shape. Hanging out with you has made me a little soft."
Yoona's hands roamed down Yuri's thighs, to her hips and then under. Yuri paused halfway, her stomach quaking in strain as Yoona spoke, completely serious.
"But I like you soft."
Yoona pulled Yuri's knees apart and crawled in between them, pushing Yuri to the floor.
"You should be doing homework," Yuri said but her legs still wrapped around Yoona to bring her closer.
"I should be doing a lot of things."
Yoona flicked her tongue against Yuri's top lip, curious to how Yuri would react and grinned at the kiss she received. Yuri should have put up more of an effort to oppose Yoona's mouth and she should have continued exercising. They should have stopped taking off their clothes in the middle of the room and they probably should have moved to the bed.
There was a lot of should haves, but Yuri and Yoona were teenagers and lacked the discipline to follow them.
*
Tiffany only stood a few minutes outside the building, partly debating whether she should just trash the shirt but she didn't want Barbie using anything against her. An older lady was leaving and Tiffany slipped inside before the doors closed. She walked up the two floors to Jessica's apartment and surprisingly had no trouble remembering where the apartment was. It was probably because people often remembered traumatizing moments vividly.
She knocked twice before starting to get angry. Jessica was draining her patience and the girl wasn't even there.
"Fine, you won't open the door, then--"
But the door did open and the two girls frowned at each other like hated enemies.
"Selling more girl scout cookies?"
"I didn't know your salary could afford such luxuries."
"As cookies?"
Tiffany's pretty face contorted into another scowl, but even then it just looked cute and it made Jessica want to poke her in the cheek. Jessica closed her eyes at the weird thought. The hell was she thinking? Going against every rational thought in her head she opened the door wider and Tiffany walked in, also going against every rational thought in her head.
After taking the shirt, Jessica backed into the other side of the room, far from Tiffany. Unintentionally, she got a scent of the shirt, but could smell nothing of Tiffany except for the detergent she used.
Tiffany looked at Jessica, but Jessica wasn't looking at her, somehow making this whole trip seem worthless. She turned to leave but Jessica's voice just roped her back in.
"This isn't all we have to be. We could--" Jessica changed the sentence, because she couldn't speak on behalf of Tiffany, so she spoke what she knew for certain. "I could love you."
"Why the hell would you want to do something like that?" Tiffany questioned crassly, like the idea of Jessica loving Tiffany equaled torture. In a way, it did.
Jessica couldn't deal with being this vulnerable with Tiffany and still be punished for it. She answered defensively, the words almost a shout by the time she stops speaking.
"Maybe if you stuck around for long enough, I could find out."
And Tiffany couldn't deal with being vulnerable at all. She didn't like what Jessica did to her and what her eyes did to her. Maybe Tiffany lied. Jessica's eyes weren't like a zombie's, only in the sense they scared the living hell out of Tiffany.
"Do you even know what love is?" Tiffany turned around and distanced herself from Jessica with every word without even moving anywhere. "Love is needing someone, really needing them, physically, emotionally, mentally, and still letting them leave you. Then each second after that is hell and you think it couldn't possibly get any worse, but you get proved wrong every passing second. Love is the asshole that beats you in every way possible and everyone is an idiot for crawling back to it. Not me. I refuse to be that idiot."
The door slammed and everything became quiet again.
Tiffany was right and Jessica agreed completely. Oddly enough though, it did little to change how she felt.
*
Yoona finished her homework at some point and would have stayed at Yuri's but her father called to tell her she needed to come home because there was a meeting he needed to attend and didn't want to leave Jiyoung alone.
On the way home, Yoona stopped by a pizza place to buy their dinner. When she was done placing the order, she went to an empty table and waited. In the back, sitting alone, she found Nichkhun. He spotted her seconds later and lifted his hand an inch to give her a short wave. She did the same and in a few hand motions asked if it was okay for her to come over. He enthusiastically gestured for her to sit with him.
He stood when she was by the table and she went for a hug, but he stuck his hand out for a handshake and they laughed nervously before Khun put his arms around her. He was skinnier, she could feel it, but his chest was just as soft when she put her cheek against him. She had missed him and didn't even know it until now.
They sat and from habit she extended her hand to hold his but stopped herself midway and dropped the hand onto the table.
"So how've you been?" he began, giving her a disarming smile. It eased her but simultaneously she got hit with a nostalgia that kept her eyes on the napkins.
"Good. School is keeping me busy. How was your winter break?"
"I went skiing with Hyoyeon's brother and his family in Austria."
That explained why Hyoyeon wasn't at the Golden Fox. Yoona was expecting plenty of drama from the girl but when she was absent for the whole week, Yoona thought it was because of pure luck.
"Sounds fun."
"It was, but it got boring by the end of the week. You can only ski so much. How was yours?"
"I stayed home, went to the Golden Fox mostly."
The corners of his mouth lifted, tugging at another smile and she found herself smiling back.
"Sounds pretty tame compared to your usual routine."
"My usual routine has changed. It's a lot calmer now."
"You're not bored with it? I can't remember the last time you liked it when things were calm."
He still saw her as the party girl, restless and bored, playing with fire night after night, and she didn't blame him. However, that girl had died long ago.
"You'd be surprised," she said, and he was surprised, because the girl sitting before him wasn't the one he fell in love with. She was better.
An order was called out and it was Khun's. Yoona went with him to pick it up and he paid, drawing out the seconds he had left with her. They could hang out, maybe grab a coffee, he could tell her he missed her--
"It was good seeing you."
There was no space in the statement, no space for him. His smile was dimmer this time, the small bit of life he got from seeing her was just as quickly snatched away. He picked up the pizza from the counter and turned to her.
"You too."
There was something saying he should tell her more, ask her about that coffee or mention he thought about her everyday still, but he couldn't. Not physically, because he had a working mouth and voice, yet, another look at this new Yoona and he realized he didn't know her. It was strange; he was missing a girl that didn't even exist anymore.
*
Tiffany reached for her CD player but remembered she threw out all those new CDs she bought.
A restless kind of tired had her pinned to the bed. It weighed on her limbs and chest, heavy and unrelenting, and each time she got up dizziness put her straight down. It was probably from the cake Sooyoung made earlier. She wanted to call Sooyoung and bitch about it but didn't have the strength for that either. Sooyoung was with Youngbae anyway, which meant she wouldn't be back until the next day so at least Tiffany could sleep peacefully.
But then someone was knocking, no, banging, on her door.
"Go away!" she yelled and turned her back to the door, like the offending person could see.
The banging persisted. She got up and was about to tell the frat boy who had been trying to get with her his breath smelled like dead raccoon but when she opened the door, it was no frat boy.
"How did you find me?"
Jessica didn't answer because she promised Yuri she wouldn't reveal her as the source and walked in the room. She was on a mission anyway, a one way track, and nothing was throwing her off.
"I don't want the shirt anymore. It smells."
It didn't, actually, but it made Jessica think of Tiffany so it was cause enough. She threw it to Tiffany's feet.
"I washed it," Tiffany said, kicking the shirt back to Jessica.
"I don't want it."
"I don't want it either!"
Jessica picked up the shirt and wondered if throwing it at Tiffany's face would make her feel better. "Why are you so insufferable?!"
"Me?! You're the one who comes here trying to give me your shirt. Why would I want a shirt even Sasquatch wouldn't want to wear?!"
"When are you going to stop?"
Jessica didn't yell it angrily. Her voice had softened so much, so close to a whisper, and Tiffany thought it completely unfair. It was like Jessica had resorted to a forbidden warfare Tiffany couldn't defend herself from.
"When are you?"
"I did." Jessica shrugged and put her palms out, like she was making herself an open target. "I don't expect you to do the same, but if this is all we're going to do, just yell at each other, then I don't want any part in it."
All of Tiffany's knowledge on the brain and human emotions was worthless when it came to Jessica. She didn't know what Jessica wanted, she couldn't read her face, nothing made sense. It terrified her.
"Well at least you held out for this long. It's been fun, Barbie."
Even with no expectations, Jessica held onto some small hope--how stupid of her. She went for the door but only got it opened an inch before it was shut.
Tiffany's hand remained on the door and Jessica could feel Tiffany's words as hot breath on her neck.
"I don't know what I'm supposed to do when you're close." Tiffany scratched the paint on the door with a finger and spoke what she realized seconds ago when Jessica wanted to walk away from her. "It's like, I thought I was in love with Yuri, but...then you came along."
Jessica sighed, expelling the air with such relief she even felt lighter. When she turned around, Tiffany didn't avoid her eyes, she was still so stubborn, but Jessica didn't feel so hopeless anymore.
"You're doing that zombie staring thing again. It's really unattractive," Tiffany said, unable to take the silence. She took her hand back and tried to look to the side but Jessica was smiling and maybe it had the slight ability of holding the entirety of Tiffany's attention. Maybe.
"If you don't like it then just look away."
With a roll of her eyes, Tiffany did just that and walked to her bed. It had been a weird day and she was still tired.
"You have my permission to withdraw," Tiffany told Jessica, raising her hand like she was dismissing her.
There was no response right away and Tiffany wasn't surprised, though a bit disappointed.
"If you were a princess and this was Rome, maybe I'd listen."
The reply stunned Tiffany with disbelief. Jessica actually understood the reference.
And if Tiffany Hwang was capable of doing something as ridiculous as swooning, she would have.
*
"How's your knee?"
Taek nodded to the leg and Yuri hid it behind her bike. She really didn't like the way he looked at her and she actually preferred it when he was being perverted. At Era he did the same, asked the same, and doing it now, minutes before a race, was ridiculous.
"It's fine." She glanced around but no one was watching them. Still, she wouldn't look at him when she spoke. "You need to stop hanging around me. People are going to start noticing."
JJ never said anything about cheating, but she was sure he wouldn't react kindly if he found out.
It was her third race and she was growing accustomed to it, but that was nothing to be proud of. After each race the reality of what she was doing created a revolting guilt in her stomach. Each glance at Yoona made it worse. Keeping the races from Yoona was beginning to exhaust Yuri. When she opened her mouth to talk about it, Yoona's eyes blockaded the words and they were like a traffic jam in the middle of her throat. Taek's information made the entire ordeal that much easier as well. She wouldn't have stood a chance if he hadn't divulged secrets on winning for each race. It was foolish, wholly foolish; she suspected Taek wasn't one to give out such promising information without some kind of reward. And who knew what JJ was capable of doing.
But the adrenaline after a win was breathtaking. It had the characteristics of a drug, addicting and damaging, especially when she went back to it knowing the consequences well outweighed the benefits. She was screwed if she did, screwed if she didn't.
"That was awesome! The last turn? I can't believe you pulled a move like that."
Taek hadn't stopped smiling since she crossed the finish line, running past the throng so he could be first. She smiled too because it was simple human instinct: she had won something and was extremely happy.
The regular racers who had been with her through all three races congratulated her, hearty slaps on the back always knocking a breath out of her. They tried to engage in a conversation, some of them questioning how she managed to spring to first place every time but luckily Taek told them to back off and luckily they listened.
JJ opened the SUV door and stepped out into the night, cursing the weather. These kinds of freezing temperatures fouled his mood that even his friends knew not to bother him unless it was dire. In this case, it was very dire.
"JJ, we need to talk."
It was one of the guys on his payroll, JJ recognized, but barely, which meant it must be someone who worked undercover. JJ stuck the envelope of money into a pocket and they walked to the side.
"What is it?"
"Taecyeon. We think he's helping someone cheat."
JJ's hand rose to his scar. It was not apparent, but he was seething. "Take care of him and the racer."
"How severe?"
JJ was already walking to Yuri to give her the money when he responded chillingly.
"Just make sure they don't try the same bullshit again."
*
"So are you going to leave anytime soon, Barbie?"
"Are you ever going to call me by my actual name?"
"Why would I do that?"
It was always one step forward, a hundred steps back. Jessica moved her leg because it was cramping but Tiffany thought she was leaving and impulsively blurted something out.
"Why don't you make yourself useful and give me a lap dance or something since you're here."
Most people would laugh in Tiffany's face, trying to hide a blush. Maybe they'd tell her off and wonder if she was possibly insane. Or they'd actually comply because Tiffany always got what she wanted. Jessica didn't do any of that.
"Why don't you give me one?"
Tiffany waited for Jessica to blink first or look away. She would have waited forever.
"I have work. My shift starts soon," Jessica spoke up after a short stare contest.
Right, bartender Barbie. Tiffany smiled in a moment of brief daydreaming, picturing Jessica in a neat box with captions such as, "Accessories include a rag and martini shaker!"
"Hello, what are you so happy about?"
The daydream dissolved, though Jessica was still there.
"Nothing, mind your own business. God, you're so annoying."
Jessica nodded, thought whatever, and slid off the bed. In the time she put her jacket and gloves on, an appropriate way of telling Tiffany goodnight didn't come. There wasn't much of a point anyway. The only predictability Jessica was certain of was Tiffany was unpredictable and as much as she didn't want it to be, it was charming. It was why she didn't say a word when she left. They were going to come back to each other, one way or another, sooner or later.
There was no explanation for it but Tiffany wouldn't give up her search. The moment she did was the moment she'd make the same mistake twice.
*
Yoona's body mostly moved from habit when she got up to get to her balcony doors. She had been asleep, like any sane person would be at three in the morning but Yuri's occasional midnight drives often led the girl to Yoona.
There was no warning when the door opened and Yuri breezed through the curtains, in those same raggedy clothes, straight to Yoona's mouth. Every cell in Yoona's body shuddered from Yuri's cold body, but it fizzed out within seconds and soon she started shuddering for different reasons.
By the bed, Yoona managed to get a word out when Yuri took off her shirt. More like ripped it off because Yoona could hear a seam tear when Yuri pulled at the hem.
"What's gotten into you?"
Yuri realized how she was acting but the adrenaline was still rushing and there was only one activity that could burn it out. However, she would never force anything on Yoona.
"I'm sorry, I--" Yuri cupped Yoona's ribs, fitting her fingers into the faint grooves. It'd torture her horribly if Yoona refused her right now. "I'm sorry. I'll go."
Yoona's hair gave a short swish as she shook her head once, fingers deftly working on a jean's zipper. "I didn't say that."
Yuri leaned her forehead onto Yoona's for support, her mouth spouting quick breaths. Yoona kissed her, a bit sloppily because most of her focus was directed toward getting Yuri out of her clothes. Yuri didn't have her jacket off when they started panting, growing impatient and eager and it hadn't even been five minutes yet.
Once they were lying down Yuri moved lower, only stopping to say a quick warning onto Yoona's stomach.
"This isn't my place, you can't be loud."
Yoona twisted her neck into the pillow and covered her mouth with half of it. It should have more or less muffled any sound.
*
There were only two keys to Jessica's apartment. Her landlord had one of them and Jessica had the other. So why Tiffany was sitting on her couch baffled Jessica.
"How did you--?"
Jessica looked at the locks, searching for signs of a break in.
"Santa Claus let me in. I told him I was your dying sister from Kazakhstan, that you had my medicine and without it I would die."
It was possibly illegal but Tiffany wasn't worried. She had paid off the police once before.
"Why are you here?" Jessica asked, hanging her coat and then stuffing her gloves into its pocket.
"I was in the neighborhood."
"Doing what?"
"Visiting my psychic."
Jessica was in her room, out of Tiffany's sight, and so smiled freely. After putting her vest away she closed the closet, revealing Tiffany on the other side but Jessica paid no attention. She unbuttoned the top button of her shirt and pulled at the collar to loosen it.
"Okay, but why are you here?"
"Are you really going to make me say it?"
"Why can't you?"
"Why should I when we both want it?"
Their question conversations were never going to get them anywhere, Jessica realized that, but it was the only way they could talk and Jessica would take whatever she could get. She filled her lungs with air for an impending sigh but she had been sighing too much these days, especially when it concerned Tiffany, so she breathed it out as a question.
"How do you know what I want?"
Tiffany didn't, and she would never say it but it pissed her off more than old people who thought they could still drive. She could only assume and the thing with assumptions was they could be proven wrong.
Jessica waited for an answer but Tiffany was gazing up at the ceiling like it had stars so Jessica left the room. Tiffany didn't want to follow like some puppy and glanced at the window for a fire escape or something, but she was in heels and it could kill her. Stupid one bedroom apartment.
"If you can't say it," Tiffany started saying, going to the threshold, becoming increasingly annoyed, "then imagine how hard it is for me."
But that was not the response Jessica was going for. She didn't want to play games anymore.
"Just come here and make out with me," Tiffany whined.
"Go make out with someone else."
Tiffany hung her head, speaking more to the floor than to Jessica. "No one kisses like you do..."
"What? Stop mumbling."
Tiffany refused to cower to anyone or anything, even if it was her pride she was up against.
"I like it when you're near." She walked to Jessica, cornering her against the island. "I can't give you a better explanation than that."
Jessica didn't need one. Her finger traced the faceplate of Tiffany's watch and she smiled because it was from Tiffany & Co. "Was that so hard?"
Tiffany pulled at Jessica's shirt, messily untucking it and then putting her palm flat against Jessica's stomach like it was the cold water to Tiffany's fevered hand.
"You have no idea."
The girl Tiffany was months ago would have been disgusted with how she was acting now. But those kinds of feelings had little value to an addict.
*
The sun was an invading presence. It was disturbing Yoona's sleep terribly and she needed all she could get considering she hadn't been sleeping for more than two hours. She heard the bed creak and felt cool hair wash over her cheek.
"Yoong, I have to go." Yoona didn't need to open her eyes to know Yuri was already dressed-- she could smell the leather of the jacket. "I'll see you at school."
Yuri moved in absolute silence, heading down the stairs like it was a mine field. She was so close to the foyer, so close to getting out unnoticed when she was stopped by a voice from the kitchen.
"Good morning, Yuri."
Yuri stayed frozen, only moving her eyes to the kitchen to see Yoona's father, a piece of toast in his hand. It was five in the morning, early for Yuri and Yoona, but parents were a different story.
The one day she chose to use the front door...
"Good morning sir."
He wiped his mouth with a napkin and stood with his coffee. His pace was leisurely when he walked over to Yuri and she was expecting a brutal lashing of lecturing but his serene face was much more frightening.
"Could you go and get Yoona please?"
Yuri didn't question why and followed the order, bringing Yoona down. It was too early for Yoona, her brain wasn't functioning at full speed but even when half conscious she knew when not to irritate her father.
"There need to be some rules," Yoona's father began once they were both in front of him, rigid like soldiers in front of their commanding officer. "From now on, no sleepovers during school nights and your curfew is eleven o'clock."
Yoona opened her mouth to object but her father continued, cutting her off.
"Yuri is allowed to stay the night during weekends no more than three times a month, in the guest room. All of this must go through me first. Is this understood?"
"Yes sir," Yuri replied first.
Yoona locked her jaw, defiant against these sudden rules but Yuri's fingers found her hand, prying her fist open and that was all it took. Yoona conceded to her father with a nod, sliding her fingers between Yuri's.
He was ready for a fight from Yoona, for shouting and noncooperation. A glimpse at the girls' hands and he understood why Yoona was compliant but not how. How Yuri did more in months than he could in years. How, possibly, his teenage daughter's relationship had more love than his twenty year marriage to his wife.
Yoona pulled Yuri to the door, away from her father and he watched until they moved closer together. He never thought there would be a day when he would be envious of his daughter.
Characters: Yuri, Yoona
Rating: pg13
Disclaimer: still about as real as a straight tower of Pisa.
They were supposed to be doing homework, or at least Yoona was, but somewhere between world history and biology Yoona got bored. Mostly it was because Yuri had left Yoona in the dining room and then disappeared to another part of the house.
It was silent so Yuri couldn't have been watching TV or listening to music. Maybe she was reading. Or collecting more poems.
The chair tipped backwards and Yoona held onto the table, trying to see into Yuri's room but saw nothing. She carefully put the chair back on all four legs before she crashed to the floor and broke her neck. The colorful picture of a mitochondria wasn't enough to persuade her to study so she left the books and quietly walked to Yuri's room.
When Yoona poked her head in, Yuri was doing sit ups. She counted twenty of them (who knew how many Yuri had done before Yoona came) before going around and sitting in front of Yuri.
It had been two weeks since Yuri's race and since then she was doing all kinds of small exercises to get into better shape. Her knee had mostly healed and the ugly bruise that formed was beginning to fade. Luckily, Yoona had yet to see it but Yuri was required to make excuses every time Yoona wanted to shower together. The knee was bothersome, not just in the sense of physical pain.
"This is new," Yoona said, resting her arm on Yuri's knees as the girl completed more sit ups. Her eyes naturally descended to Yuri's stomach, watching the muscles contract and loosen. Now this was a biology she could easily get into.
"I'm out of shape. Hanging out with you has made me a little soft."
Yoona's hands roamed down Yuri's thighs, to her hips and then under. Yuri paused halfway, her stomach quaking in strain as Yoona spoke, completely serious.
"But I like you soft."
Yoona pulled Yuri's knees apart and crawled in between them, pushing Yuri to the floor.
"You should be doing homework," Yuri said but her legs still wrapped around Yoona to bring her closer.
"I should be doing a lot of things."
Yoona flicked her tongue against Yuri's top lip, curious to how Yuri would react and grinned at the kiss she received. Yuri should have put up more of an effort to oppose Yoona's mouth and she should have continued exercising. They should have stopped taking off their clothes in the middle of the room and they probably should have moved to the bed.
There was a lot of should haves, but Yuri and Yoona were teenagers and lacked the discipline to follow them.
*
Tiffany only stood a few minutes outside the building, partly debating whether she should just trash the shirt but she didn't want Barbie using anything against her. An older lady was leaving and Tiffany slipped inside before the doors closed. She walked up the two floors to Jessica's apartment and surprisingly had no trouble remembering where the apartment was. It was probably because people often remembered traumatizing moments vividly.
She knocked twice before starting to get angry. Jessica was draining her patience and the girl wasn't even there.
"Fine, you won't open the door, then--"
But the door did open and the two girls frowned at each other like hated enemies.
"Selling more girl scout cookies?"
"I didn't know your salary could afford such luxuries."
"As cookies?"
Tiffany's pretty face contorted into another scowl, but even then it just looked cute and it made Jessica want to poke her in the cheek. Jessica closed her eyes at the weird thought. The hell was she thinking? Going against every rational thought in her head she opened the door wider and Tiffany walked in, also going against every rational thought in her head.
After taking the shirt, Jessica backed into the other side of the room, far from Tiffany. Unintentionally, she got a scent of the shirt, but could smell nothing of Tiffany except for the detergent she used.
Tiffany looked at Jessica, but Jessica wasn't looking at her, somehow making this whole trip seem worthless. She turned to leave but Jessica's voice just roped her back in.
"This isn't all we have to be. We could--" Jessica changed the sentence, because she couldn't speak on behalf of Tiffany, so she spoke what she knew for certain. "I could love you."
"Why the hell would you want to do something like that?" Tiffany questioned crassly, like the idea of Jessica loving Tiffany equaled torture. In a way, it did.
Jessica couldn't deal with being this vulnerable with Tiffany and still be punished for it. She answered defensively, the words almost a shout by the time she stops speaking.
"Maybe if you stuck around for long enough, I could find out."
And Tiffany couldn't deal with being vulnerable at all. She didn't like what Jessica did to her and what her eyes did to her. Maybe Tiffany lied. Jessica's eyes weren't like a zombie's, only in the sense they scared the living hell out of Tiffany.
"Do you even know what love is?" Tiffany turned around and distanced herself from Jessica with every word without even moving anywhere. "Love is needing someone, really needing them, physically, emotionally, mentally, and still letting them leave you. Then each second after that is hell and you think it couldn't possibly get any worse, but you get proved wrong every passing second. Love is the asshole that beats you in every way possible and everyone is an idiot for crawling back to it. Not me. I refuse to be that idiot."
The door slammed and everything became quiet again.
Tiffany was right and Jessica agreed completely. Oddly enough though, it did little to change how she felt.
*
Yoona finished her homework at some point and would have stayed at Yuri's but her father called to tell her she needed to come home because there was a meeting he needed to attend and didn't want to leave Jiyoung alone.
On the way home, Yoona stopped by a pizza place to buy their dinner. When she was done placing the order, she went to an empty table and waited. In the back, sitting alone, she found Nichkhun. He spotted her seconds later and lifted his hand an inch to give her a short wave. She did the same and in a few hand motions asked if it was okay for her to come over. He enthusiastically gestured for her to sit with him.
He stood when she was by the table and she went for a hug, but he stuck his hand out for a handshake and they laughed nervously before Khun put his arms around her. He was skinnier, she could feel it, but his chest was just as soft when she put her cheek against him. She had missed him and didn't even know it until now.
They sat and from habit she extended her hand to hold his but stopped herself midway and dropped the hand onto the table.
"So how've you been?" he began, giving her a disarming smile. It eased her but simultaneously she got hit with a nostalgia that kept her eyes on the napkins.
"Good. School is keeping me busy. How was your winter break?"
"I went skiing with Hyoyeon's brother and his family in Austria."
That explained why Hyoyeon wasn't at the Golden Fox. Yoona was expecting plenty of drama from the girl but when she was absent for the whole week, Yoona thought it was because of pure luck.
"Sounds fun."
"It was, but it got boring by the end of the week. You can only ski so much. How was yours?"
"I stayed home, went to the Golden Fox mostly."
The corners of his mouth lifted, tugging at another smile and she found herself smiling back.
"Sounds pretty tame compared to your usual routine."
"My usual routine has changed. It's a lot calmer now."
"You're not bored with it? I can't remember the last time you liked it when things were calm."
He still saw her as the party girl, restless and bored, playing with fire night after night, and she didn't blame him. However, that girl had died long ago.
"You'd be surprised," she said, and he was surprised, because the girl sitting before him wasn't the one he fell in love with. She was better.
An order was called out and it was Khun's. Yoona went with him to pick it up and he paid, drawing out the seconds he had left with her. They could hang out, maybe grab a coffee, he could tell her he missed her--
"It was good seeing you."
There was no space in the statement, no space for him. His smile was dimmer this time, the small bit of life he got from seeing her was just as quickly snatched away. He picked up the pizza from the counter and turned to her.
"You too."
There was something saying he should tell her more, ask her about that coffee or mention he thought about her everyday still, but he couldn't. Not physically, because he had a working mouth and voice, yet, another look at this new Yoona and he realized he didn't know her. It was strange; he was missing a girl that didn't even exist anymore.
*
Tiffany reached for her CD player but remembered she threw out all those new CDs she bought.
A restless kind of tired had her pinned to the bed. It weighed on her limbs and chest, heavy and unrelenting, and each time she got up dizziness put her straight down. It was probably from the cake Sooyoung made earlier. She wanted to call Sooyoung and bitch about it but didn't have the strength for that either. Sooyoung was with Youngbae anyway, which meant she wouldn't be back until the next day so at least Tiffany could sleep peacefully.
But then someone was knocking, no, banging, on her door.
"Go away!" she yelled and turned her back to the door, like the offending person could see.
The banging persisted. She got up and was about to tell the frat boy who had been trying to get with her his breath smelled like dead raccoon but when she opened the door, it was no frat boy.
"How did you find me?"
Jessica didn't answer because she promised Yuri she wouldn't reveal her as the source and walked in the room. She was on a mission anyway, a one way track, and nothing was throwing her off.
"I don't want the shirt anymore. It smells."
It didn't, actually, but it made Jessica think of Tiffany so it was cause enough. She threw it to Tiffany's feet.
"I washed it," Tiffany said, kicking the shirt back to Jessica.
"I don't want it."
"I don't want it either!"
Jessica picked up the shirt and wondered if throwing it at Tiffany's face would make her feel better. "Why are you so insufferable?!"
"Me?! You're the one who comes here trying to give me your shirt. Why would I want a shirt even Sasquatch wouldn't want to wear?!"
"When are you going to stop?"
Jessica didn't yell it angrily. Her voice had softened so much, so close to a whisper, and Tiffany thought it completely unfair. It was like Jessica had resorted to a forbidden warfare Tiffany couldn't defend herself from.
"When are you?"
"I did." Jessica shrugged and put her palms out, like she was making herself an open target. "I don't expect you to do the same, but if this is all we're going to do, just yell at each other, then I don't want any part in it."
All of Tiffany's knowledge on the brain and human emotions was worthless when it came to Jessica. She didn't know what Jessica wanted, she couldn't read her face, nothing made sense. It terrified her.
"Well at least you held out for this long. It's been fun, Barbie."
Even with no expectations, Jessica held onto some small hope--how stupid of her. She went for the door but only got it opened an inch before it was shut.
Tiffany's hand remained on the door and Jessica could feel Tiffany's words as hot breath on her neck.
"I don't know what I'm supposed to do when you're close." Tiffany scratched the paint on the door with a finger and spoke what she realized seconds ago when Jessica wanted to walk away from her. "It's like, I thought I was in love with Yuri, but...then you came along."
Jessica sighed, expelling the air with such relief she even felt lighter. When she turned around, Tiffany didn't avoid her eyes, she was still so stubborn, but Jessica didn't feel so hopeless anymore.
"You're doing that zombie staring thing again. It's really unattractive," Tiffany said, unable to take the silence. She took her hand back and tried to look to the side but Jessica was smiling and maybe it had the slight ability of holding the entirety of Tiffany's attention. Maybe.
"If you don't like it then just look away."
With a roll of her eyes, Tiffany did just that and walked to her bed. It had been a weird day and she was still tired.
"You have my permission to withdraw," Tiffany told Jessica, raising her hand like she was dismissing her.
There was no response right away and Tiffany wasn't surprised, though a bit disappointed.
"If you were a princess and this was Rome, maybe I'd listen."
The reply stunned Tiffany with disbelief. Jessica actually understood the reference.
And if Tiffany Hwang was capable of doing something as ridiculous as swooning, she would have.
*
"How's your knee?"
Taek nodded to the leg and Yuri hid it behind her bike. She really didn't like the way he looked at her and she actually preferred it when he was being perverted. At Era he did the same, asked the same, and doing it now, minutes before a race, was ridiculous.
"It's fine." She glanced around but no one was watching them. Still, she wouldn't look at him when she spoke. "You need to stop hanging around me. People are going to start noticing."
JJ never said anything about cheating, but she was sure he wouldn't react kindly if he found out.
It was her third race and she was growing accustomed to it, but that was nothing to be proud of. After each race the reality of what she was doing created a revolting guilt in her stomach. Each glance at Yoona made it worse. Keeping the races from Yoona was beginning to exhaust Yuri. When she opened her mouth to talk about it, Yoona's eyes blockaded the words and they were like a traffic jam in the middle of her throat. Taek's information made the entire ordeal that much easier as well. She wouldn't have stood a chance if he hadn't divulged secrets on winning for each race. It was foolish, wholly foolish; she suspected Taek wasn't one to give out such promising information without some kind of reward. And who knew what JJ was capable of doing.
But the adrenaline after a win was breathtaking. It had the characteristics of a drug, addicting and damaging, especially when she went back to it knowing the consequences well outweighed the benefits. She was screwed if she did, screwed if she didn't.
"That was awesome! The last turn? I can't believe you pulled a move like that."
Taek hadn't stopped smiling since she crossed the finish line, running past the throng so he could be first. She smiled too because it was simple human instinct: she had won something and was extremely happy.
The regular racers who had been with her through all three races congratulated her, hearty slaps on the back always knocking a breath out of her. They tried to engage in a conversation, some of them questioning how she managed to spring to first place every time but luckily Taek told them to back off and luckily they listened.
JJ opened the SUV door and stepped out into the night, cursing the weather. These kinds of freezing temperatures fouled his mood that even his friends knew not to bother him unless it was dire. In this case, it was very dire.
"JJ, we need to talk."
It was one of the guys on his payroll, JJ recognized, but barely, which meant it must be someone who worked undercover. JJ stuck the envelope of money into a pocket and they walked to the side.
"What is it?"
"Taecyeon. We think he's helping someone cheat."
JJ's hand rose to his scar. It was not apparent, but he was seething. "Take care of him and the racer."
"How severe?"
JJ was already walking to Yuri to give her the money when he responded chillingly.
"Just make sure they don't try the same bullshit again."
*
"So are you going to leave anytime soon, Barbie?"
"Are you ever going to call me by my actual name?"
"Why would I do that?"
It was always one step forward, a hundred steps back. Jessica moved her leg because it was cramping but Tiffany thought she was leaving and impulsively blurted something out.
"Why don't you make yourself useful and give me a lap dance or something since you're here."
Most people would laugh in Tiffany's face, trying to hide a blush. Maybe they'd tell her off and wonder if she was possibly insane. Or they'd actually comply because Tiffany always got what she wanted. Jessica didn't do any of that.
"Why don't you give me one?"
Tiffany waited for Jessica to blink first or look away. She would have waited forever.
"I have work. My shift starts soon," Jessica spoke up after a short stare contest.
Right, bartender Barbie. Tiffany smiled in a moment of brief daydreaming, picturing Jessica in a neat box with captions such as, "Accessories include a rag and martini shaker!"
"Hello, what are you so happy about?"
The daydream dissolved, though Jessica was still there.
"Nothing, mind your own business. God, you're so annoying."
Jessica nodded, thought whatever, and slid off the bed. In the time she put her jacket and gloves on, an appropriate way of telling Tiffany goodnight didn't come. There wasn't much of a point anyway. The only predictability Jessica was certain of was Tiffany was unpredictable and as much as she didn't want it to be, it was charming. It was why she didn't say a word when she left. They were going to come back to each other, one way or another, sooner or later.
There was no explanation for it but Tiffany wouldn't give up her search. The moment she did was the moment she'd make the same mistake twice.
*
Yoona's body mostly moved from habit when she got up to get to her balcony doors. She had been asleep, like any sane person would be at three in the morning but Yuri's occasional midnight drives often led the girl to Yoona.
There was no warning when the door opened and Yuri breezed through the curtains, in those same raggedy clothes, straight to Yoona's mouth. Every cell in Yoona's body shuddered from Yuri's cold body, but it fizzed out within seconds and soon she started shuddering for different reasons.
By the bed, Yoona managed to get a word out when Yuri took off her shirt. More like ripped it off because Yoona could hear a seam tear when Yuri pulled at the hem.
"What's gotten into you?"
Yuri realized how she was acting but the adrenaline was still rushing and there was only one activity that could burn it out. However, she would never force anything on Yoona.
"I'm sorry, I--" Yuri cupped Yoona's ribs, fitting her fingers into the faint grooves. It'd torture her horribly if Yoona refused her right now. "I'm sorry. I'll go."
Yoona's hair gave a short swish as she shook her head once, fingers deftly working on a jean's zipper. "I didn't say that."
Yuri leaned her forehead onto Yoona's for support, her mouth spouting quick breaths. Yoona kissed her, a bit sloppily because most of her focus was directed toward getting Yuri out of her clothes. Yuri didn't have her jacket off when they started panting, growing impatient and eager and it hadn't even been five minutes yet.
Once they were lying down Yuri moved lower, only stopping to say a quick warning onto Yoona's stomach.
"This isn't my place, you can't be loud."
Yoona twisted her neck into the pillow and covered her mouth with half of it. It should have more or less muffled any sound.
*
There were only two keys to Jessica's apartment. Her landlord had one of them and Jessica had the other. So why Tiffany was sitting on her couch baffled Jessica.
"How did you--?"
Jessica looked at the locks, searching for signs of a break in.
"Santa Claus let me in. I told him I was your dying sister from Kazakhstan, that you had my medicine and without it I would die."
It was possibly illegal but Tiffany wasn't worried. She had paid off the police once before.
"Why are you here?" Jessica asked, hanging her coat and then stuffing her gloves into its pocket.
"I was in the neighborhood."
"Doing what?"
"Visiting my psychic."
Jessica was in her room, out of Tiffany's sight, and so smiled freely. After putting her vest away she closed the closet, revealing Tiffany on the other side but Jessica paid no attention. She unbuttoned the top button of her shirt and pulled at the collar to loosen it.
"Okay, but why are you here?"
"Are you really going to make me say it?"
"Why can't you?"
"Why should I when we both want it?"
Their question conversations were never going to get them anywhere, Jessica realized that, but it was the only way they could talk and Jessica would take whatever she could get. She filled her lungs with air for an impending sigh but she had been sighing too much these days, especially when it concerned Tiffany, so she breathed it out as a question.
"How do you know what I want?"
Tiffany didn't, and she would never say it but it pissed her off more than old people who thought they could still drive. She could only assume and the thing with assumptions was they could be proven wrong.
Jessica waited for an answer but Tiffany was gazing up at the ceiling like it had stars so Jessica left the room. Tiffany didn't want to follow like some puppy and glanced at the window for a fire escape or something, but she was in heels and it could kill her. Stupid one bedroom apartment.
"If you can't say it," Tiffany started saying, going to the threshold, becoming increasingly annoyed, "then imagine how hard it is for me."
But that was not the response Jessica was going for. She didn't want to play games anymore.
"Just come here and make out with me," Tiffany whined.
"Go make out with someone else."
Tiffany hung her head, speaking more to the floor than to Jessica. "No one kisses like you do..."
"What? Stop mumbling."
Tiffany refused to cower to anyone or anything, even if it was her pride she was up against.
"I like it when you're near." She walked to Jessica, cornering her against the island. "I can't give you a better explanation than that."
Jessica didn't need one. Her finger traced the faceplate of Tiffany's watch and she smiled because it was from Tiffany & Co. "Was that so hard?"
Tiffany pulled at Jessica's shirt, messily untucking it and then putting her palm flat against Jessica's stomach like it was the cold water to Tiffany's fevered hand.
"You have no idea."
The girl Tiffany was months ago would have been disgusted with how she was acting now. But those kinds of feelings had little value to an addict.
*
The sun was an invading presence. It was disturbing Yoona's sleep terribly and she needed all she could get considering she hadn't been sleeping for more than two hours. She heard the bed creak and felt cool hair wash over her cheek.
"Yoong, I have to go." Yoona didn't need to open her eyes to know Yuri was already dressed-- she could smell the leather of the jacket. "I'll see you at school."
Yuri moved in absolute silence, heading down the stairs like it was a mine field. She was so close to the foyer, so close to getting out unnoticed when she was stopped by a voice from the kitchen.
"Good morning, Yuri."
Yuri stayed frozen, only moving her eyes to the kitchen to see Yoona's father, a piece of toast in his hand. It was five in the morning, early for Yuri and Yoona, but parents were a different story.
The one day she chose to use the front door...
"Good morning sir."
He wiped his mouth with a napkin and stood with his coffee. His pace was leisurely when he walked over to Yuri and she was expecting a brutal lashing of lecturing but his serene face was much more frightening.
"Could you go and get Yoona please?"
Yuri didn't question why and followed the order, bringing Yoona down. It was too early for Yoona, her brain wasn't functioning at full speed but even when half conscious she knew when not to irritate her father.
"There need to be some rules," Yoona's father began once they were both in front of him, rigid like soldiers in front of their commanding officer. "From now on, no sleepovers during school nights and your curfew is eleven o'clock."
Yoona opened her mouth to object but her father continued, cutting her off.
"Yuri is allowed to stay the night during weekends no more than three times a month, in the guest room. All of this must go through me first. Is this understood?"
"Yes sir," Yuri replied first.
Yoona locked her jaw, defiant against these sudden rules but Yuri's fingers found her hand, prying her fist open and that was all it took. Yoona conceded to her father with a nod, sliding her fingers between Yuri's.
He was ready for a fight from Yoona, for shouting and noncooperation. A glimpse at the girls' hands and he understood why Yoona was compliant but not how. How Yuri did more in months than he could in years. How, possibly, his teenage daughter's relationship had more love than his twenty year marriage to his wife.
Yoona pulled Yuri to the door, away from her father and he watched until they moved closer together. He never thought there would be a day when he would be envious of his daughter.