Not much to say
I'm ridiculous.
Utterly ridiculous.
The words were on my tongue, in my throat, in my heart...but I can't say them. I'm afraid.
They say you should never hold back...you never know if something will happen and you'll never get that moment back again.
It's midnight now. Just over exactly a month since I first laid eyes on the boything. :) Ha. And I haven't scared him off yet. Amazing.
A month is too soon....too soon. But goddammit, I feel it. Fuck. Why do I always do this?
I don't want to beat myself up, but dammit, I don't want to frighten him off. No, no, that's the last, absolute LAST thing I want to do.
A future? I don't know. It would be nice. Why must he be so wonderful?
His eyes. Oh god, his eyes. They change so much with his emotions, with the situation, with what he's feeling or doing. Intense to soft to catlike to devious to thoughtful to old to playful to lustful. I love his eyes.
Love. Huh. What a word. Why do we have so many words for other things, but only one for love? Why can we not have different terms....love for parents, for siblings, for friends, for pets, for people who do you a service, for lovers? They should all have their own names. There are synonyms, sure. Adulation, affection, passion, lust, like, infaturation, obsession, yearning, worship, weakness...but it all boils down to the same thing, yet not. Love is the right word.
Sigh.
I just want to say something so bad, it rides on my tongue like the weight of the world, so heavy that it feels light and wispy. ...whimper.
Should I bring him down
Should I scream and shout
Should I speak of love
Let my feelings out?
I never thought I'd come to this...
What's it all about?
I want to slow down, to just appreciate his company, his holding me, his warmth, his affection, his kisses, his admiration, his disregard for my flaws...is that love?
I sound like a broken record, but really, I've never felt exactly like this before. Sure, I've loved people, but I've never had this sense of....rightness. With others, there was doubt, there was insecurity, a worry that a single wrong move would end in check and mate, their game, my loss. And their laughter as they tossed me on out to wallow in my own grief and despicable clinginess shattering like glass. Wanting to feel that glass on me.
I worry I'm going to ruin things for myself.
I don't know what to do, really.
I'm going to sleep. In the morning, much to do. D: Getting Hunter up and off to school, packing a gift for my favorite little 5-year-old princess, running to the post office to ship it off, taking the brat to his dentist appointment, returning audiobooks to the library, researching some stuff to make a gift, finding a Michaels and making a trip there to purchase those items, mayhaps visiting a fabric store to get fabric and a pattern for a cloak, and perhaps something to wear to Rocky Horror next month, something fun with colored velvet and amazing sleeves. :)
And maybe going to a thrift store to find a hoodie to make into a cat-ears hoodie since mine has been long since lost.
Oh, and an appointment for an eye exam and contact fitting tomorrow. Thank. God. Relief is coming! D: I'll probably pay extra to get something to sleep in. Ooh, and if I can get a nondisposable pair of green contacts, if insurance will cover some of it, to switch up with occasionally, that'll be fun and unique.
I've gotten a lot better in the past 9 years at being able to touch my eyes without flinching, and I'm a lot calmer now then when I was 13, so putting contacts in will probably not be too much of an issue anymore.
Maybe I'll straighten my hair when I shower tomorrow. I've got the product, I've just been putting it off.
Also, I'll be expecting a call from Mandi, the super sweet chick from the mall who wants me to come over and watch movies with her.
OH.....and I'm pretty PISSED, since I seem to have LOST all my most important phone numbers. Aaaarrgh!! DDDD:<<<<
I'm NOT NOT NOT Happy about that AT ALL!
The people I call and get calls from the most were saved to my phone, not my SIM card, so y'all could have your own personalized ring tones. Unfortunately, that means that they're GONE with the death of the old phone. D'Arvit!! >>___<<
Anyhoo. Sleep. Yes, sleep would be nice.
Utterly ridiculous.
The words were on my tongue, in my throat, in my heart...but I can't say them. I'm afraid.
They say you should never hold back...you never know if something will happen and you'll never get that moment back again.
It's midnight now. Just over exactly a month since I first laid eyes on the boything. :) Ha. And I haven't scared him off yet. Amazing.
A month is too soon....too soon. But goddammit, I feel it. Fuck. Why do I always do this?
I don't want to beat myself up, but dammit, I don't want to frighten him off. No, no, that's the last, absolute LAST thing I want to do.
A future? I don't know. It would be nice. Why must he be so wonderful?
His eyes. Oh god, his eyes. They change so much with his emotions, with the situation, with what he's feeling or doing. Intense to soft to catlike to devious to thoughtful to old to playful to lustful. I love his eyes.
Love. Huh. What a word. Why do we have so many words for other things, but only one for love? Why can we not have different terms....love for parents, for siblings, for friends, for pets, for people who do you a service, for lovers? They should all have their own names. There are synonyms, sure. Adulation, affection, passion, lust, like, infaturation, obsession, yearning, worship, weakness...but it all boils down to the same thing, yet not. Love is the right word.
Sigh.
I just want to say something so bad, it rides on my tongue like the weight of the world, so heavy that it feels light and wispy. ...whimper.
Should I bring him down
Should I scream and shout
Should I speak of love
Let my feelings out?
I never thought I'd come to this...
What's it all about?
I want to slow down, to just appreciate his company, his holding me, his warmth, his affection, his kisses, his admiration, his disregard for my flaws...is that love?
I sound like a broken record, but really, I've never felt exactly like this before. Sure, I've loved people, but I've never had this sense of....rightness. With others, there was doubt, there was insecurity, a worry that a single wrong move would end in check and mate, their game, my loss. And their laughter as they tossed me on out to wallow in my own grief and despicable clinginess shattering like glass. Wanting to feel that glass on me.
I worry I'm going to ruin things for myself.
I don't know what to do, really.
I'm going to sleep. In the morning, much to do. D: Getting Hunter up and off to school, packing a gift for my favorite little 5-year-old princess, running to the post office to ship it off, taking the brat to his dentist appointment, returning audiobooks to the library, researching some stuff to make a gift, finding a Michaels and making a trip there to purchase those items, mayhaps visiting a fabric store to get fabric and a pattern for a cloak, and perhaps something to wear to Rocky Horror next month, something fun with colored velvet and amazing sleeves. :)
And maybe going to a thrift store to find a hoodie to make into a cat-ears hoodie since mine has been long since lost.
Oh, and an appointment for an eye exam and contact fitting tomorrow. Thank. God. Relief is coming! D: I'll probably pay extra to get something to sleep in. Ooh, and if I can get a nondisposable pair of green contacts, if insurance will cover some of it, to switch up with occasionally, that'll be fun and unique.
I've gotten a lot better in the past 9 years at being able to touch my eyes without flinching, and I'm a lot calmer now then when I was 13, so putting contacts in will probably not be too much of an issue anymore.
Maybe I'll straighten my hair when I shower tomorrow. I've got the product, I've just been putting it off.
Also, I'll be expecting a call from Mandi, the super sweet chick from the mall who wants me to come over and watch movies with her.
OH.....and I'm pretty PISSED, since I seem to have LOST all my most important phone numbers. Aaaarrgh!! DDDD:<<<<
I'm NOT NOT NOT Happy about that AT ALL!
The people I call and get calls from the most were saved to my phone, not my SIM card, so y'all could have your own personalized ring tones. Unfortunately, that means that they're GONE with the death of the old phone. D'Arvit!! >>___<<
Anyhoo. Sleep. Yes, sleep would be nice.