Ruminations
So it's...5:30am, once again I can't sleep unless I do something like drink a full shot of nyquil and right now I don't want to for fear of becoming dependent on it.
That said I think I've finally figured out why the hell I can't sleep at night: the lift I've pissed and frittered away for the past 26 years has caught up with me.
It's a frustrating and pathetic realization that this year, this pivotal moment in my life I have completely fucked up for two reasons: I foolishly placed my trust in others, and I allowed my priorities to get thrown out of whack. I've been working on this MUSH project for some time now. Over a half decade if we count the original failed attempts at it due to lack of coders, procrastination, and my having the attention span of a goddamned ferret. Couple years back (2 year mark is Jan 7 2010), I started talking with a friend when my frustration with another MU had reached it's peak and had said "fuck it I'm going to either quit MUing entirely or getting this off the ground". Said friend offered me a helping hand in a coder, one I in hindsight am foolish to have accepted.
The result of this is a project that progressed so slowly that when I recently got my new coder onboard we saw more progress in a couple weeks than we did since its inception. And for a while it looked like we were really on track to open soon. So cue the webdesigner. Good guy, another friend so I didn't have to pay as much but once again delays. Always with delays. Got him the stuff he needed from my end and even now with the MUSH done and having needed far more initial work, the website now lags behind with critical stuff not finihsed. Technically we shouldn't open at all but jesus christ I. Am. SICK. Of this shit.
No, my predicament is not solely the fault of others, I am the most to blame for not having the goddamn sense to realize this would happen. That when I asked someone to have a job done by the date I LET THEM PICK, I was being unreasonable and foolhardy. If people had kept to their promises this would have been finished and open back in JUNE, fucking JUNE. Now it won't be open til January next year. And this isn't even the true problem, merely a catalyst!
The real problem lies in that I put off starting back into school to managed this. I thought "hey there's only a couple more weeks for this so it shouldn't be bad". I was that goddamn frog in a frying pan. Turn the heat up slow and it won't even notice it's being fucking cooked alive. Well now here I am, very much cooked. Missed any start dates to even have a HOPE of reasonably applying for college next year. Since now I'm hearing conflicting things on how long the high school stuff will take. IF I'm lucky. If I can somehow pull a fucking miracle out of my ass next year I MIGHT be able to finish college by the time I'm 31. As is? Looking more like I'll be 32. A rookie pilot at 32. This is when most pilots look at goddamn retiring. This whole affair has me so sickened I almost want to just scrap the whole damn thing if it wasn't for the fact that after coming this far I do want to see the damn thing open.
Regardless, now I know why there's no friends in business: you can't give friends the swift kick in the ass they deserve when they fall behind and put playing on a piece of shit MMO over the obligations they made to you. Also starting to understand why one of the guys I work with killed himself. The idea of living my life in a dead end job only able to look back on what could have been and I allowed to fuck up, while I know it'll pass, I'm kinda left with the want to put a bullet in my own head right now.