Nervous
So here we are. There's next to nothing left to do til we can open the MUSH, mostly just adding some polish, finishing up a couple newsfiles and getting the webpage launched. Like before I won't give an actual time but it's safe to say things are "close".
Of course now with that I find myself facing a whole new kind of stress. I'm worried, a lot. In a short period of time I have to put my money where my mouth is. I can't be a critic on the sidelines anymore and instead I have to try to become the community leader I fancy myself to be. I have to become someone that upholds everything I claim to stand for, and even as it is right now I can see how daunting a task that could wind up being even for such a small community. When it comes to community projects this is the farthest I've ever gotten and while a lot of it has come down to persistence I have to question how much of it was honest ability.
Am I better than the MCM staff? Am I anything resembling the community head I want to be? Yeah fine I can say the pretty speeches at times but when I'm confronted with the harder choices how will I handle them? Will it be with integrity or will I take the easy way out? While it's text based I'm about to have my mettle tested because unlike any other time I've been given some sort of a leadership role there is, in essence, nobody above me. Nobody to fall back on. There'll be a couple people I can idea bounce off of sure, but ultimately when I make a final decision it'll be my ultimate decision that'll determine who, if anyone, I piss off.
This problem gets compounded by the fact that while the stuff I've talked about has sounded nice a lot of it flies in the face of how a MUSH is conventionally run. I'm worried of letting down the friends that kept me going at this, and driving the place prematurely into the dirt. Guh I just don't know.
I'm certainly not quitting now. There's been too much time, effort and money sunk into this, but that doesn't change me being scared. I may not like what I find when I'm put to the test, after all :/