So What
I been bitching lately to Josh about how I can't write anymore. How my muse seems to have died. I blame him for it, in a half-teasing way. Truth of it is, I can't write when things are ok, I can't write when things are so-so wishy washy bleh. That fire in my lungs only burns bright when I'm broken, bruised, destroyed, hurt, confused. He should take my finger pointing as a great compliment.
My thoughts dart past the darker realms now and then, but I've been keeping it all to myself. Why upset the calm waters?
Thing of it is, I'm getting restless. I'm ready for things to move forward. Not so much in the realm of our relationship as I'm fine with that being just as and just where it is. My life. I'm ready for things to reach the ineveitable ending point. The associates degree that is but a term (portentially one summer term in addtion) away. Looking for a better job. Getting into the bachelor's program I decided on. Preparing for that, moving into a new place again. Re-arranging my life. Moving is a perfect catalyst to change. Every time I move I purge things, start fresh. I need that.
I need this. However, there is something that needs purging that stays stagnant in this move. Josh. Nothing changes there, and that's where the change is needed most. I want to be able to plan this as a twosome, but I can't. I'm aggravated by it but my aggravation doesn't instantly provide a job. I'm at a point I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to help or if I should help or if I should just keep my damn mouth shut.
I'm lucky to have my job. I know that but I also work my ass off (right now being an exception) at said job. I've been working out of class for years, but I do it so that there's a reason to keep me. As a Student Assistant, especially with the state budget being what it is, I can be let go at any time for no reason. The fact that I do so much and so many people have come to rely on me for so many things is what kept me here last year and what I hope will keep me here this year.
I'm constantly worried that I might piss off the wrong person and get booted, because it happens. I don't mention it, I scoff at the procedure to fire a state employee (because for full time employees it's just a pathetic lenghty process), but me, I can be gone with a finger snap. If that happens I have no fall back...
It's aggravating to do this day in and day out, do the school work, and feel like a prisoner in my own life. Like I'm stuck. I'm stuck working where I work, going to school, getting this done, coming home and taking care of shit there. Feeling like a partial mom to everyone. I'm fucking tired.
So yeah, I'm a little pissed every once in awhile that I'm the working one. I'm the one buying the food we eat each weekend, and not just us but my roommates too. I'm the one cleaning up after each meal and doing the laundry and feeling like my mom and dad rolled into one person loving the caretaker roll yet resenting it at the same time.
I'm too into keeping the scales perfectly aligned, that's my ideal. That's my goal. A perfectly centered 50/50 that is nearly impossible to achieve. It's my modern day fairytale. The his and hers split down the center existence. At best I've got a 80/20 or so it feels today because I'm aggravated by things here and my own financial situation. I'm just aggravated further by yours...
My thoughts dart past the darker realms now and then, but I've been keeping it all to myself. Why upset the calm waters?
Thing of it is, I'm getting restless. I'm ready for things to move forward. Not so much in the realm of our relationship as I'm fine with that being just as and just where it is. My life. I'm ready for things to reach the ineveitable ending point. The associates degree that is but a term (portentially one summer term in addtion) away. Looking for a better job. Getting into the bachelor's program I decided on. Preparing for that, moving into a new place again. Re-arranging my life. Moving is a perfect catalyst to change. Every time I move I purge things, start fresh. I need that.
I need this. However, there is something that needs purging that stays stagnant in this move. Josh. Nothing changes there, and that's where the change is needed most. I want to be able to plan this as a twosome, but I can't. I'm aggravated by it but my aggravation doesn't instantly provide a job. I'm at a point I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to help or if I should help or if I should just keep my damn mouth shut.
I'm lucky to have my job. I know that but I also work my ass off (right now being an exception) at said job. I've been working out of class for years, but I do it so that there's a reason to keep me. As a Student Assistant, especially with the state budget being what it is, I can be let go at any time for no reason. The fact that I do so much and so many people have come to rely on me for so many things is what kept me here last year and what I hope will keep me here this year.
I'm constantly worried that I might piss off the wrong person and get booted, because it happens. I don't mention it, I scoff at the procedure to fire a state employee (because for full time employees it's just a pathetic lenghty process), but me, I can be gone with a finger snap. If that happens I have no fall back...
It's aggravating to do this day in and day out, do the school work, and feel like a prisoner in my own life. Like I'm stuck. I'm stuck working where I work, going to school, getting this done, coming home and taking care of shit there. Feeling like a partial mom to everyone. I'm fucking tired.
So yeah, I'm a little pissed every once in awhile that I'm the working one. I'm the one buying the food we eat each weekend, and not just us but my roommates too. I'm the one cleaning up after each meal and doing the laundry and feeling like my mom and dad rolled into one person loving the caretaker roll yet resenting it at the same time.
I'm too into keeping the scales perfectly aligned, that's my ideal. That's my goal. A perfectly centered 50/50 that is nearly impossible to achieve. It's my modern day fairytale. The his and hers split down the center existence. At best I've got a 80/20 or so it feels today because I'm aggravated by things here and my own financial situation. I'm just aggravated further by yours...