*blank stare*
My only conclusion at the moment in regards to my stupid dreams the past few nights is I have been watching way too much Sex and the City post Miranda having Brady...seriously.
Dreamin about the babies does not a happy Teeza make...
I can't remember a whole lot now...cept a few flashes from last night's dreamage...I blame the SATC...because this is not something I would even consider in waking hours...
I'm walking along a beach with Jess/Hunter (Hunter is older than he is now...probably about 4 or 5)...but walking next to me is one little (probably around 1 or 2 year old) strawberry blonde haired little kidlet...a boy...named Dakota...which is a name I had in my mind in those few and far between moments when I think I might want a kid some day (Dakota Ryan for a boy, Tatum Rayanne for a girl...because I hate normal names...apparently)
Jess/I are just chatting like we always do, playing with our sons...it was frickin creepy...flash to later I'm sitting on some rocks smoking while Jess has both our kids, pushing them in swings...and I look back away from the shoreline at this big Victorian style house...pretty much my dream home...two men are in the distance but too far away for me to see who they may be...sitting in chairs just watching us...I finish my smoke and walk back to Jess and the kids and pick up my son who is just freakin cute...green eyes and just a heart melting smile...the kid just nestles into me...and then I wake up...to my cat...laying next to me in her usual morning "I will poke/scratch at you until you wake up but I look so cute you won't be too pissed off" way...
Apparently my subconscious wants Jess/I to have little families and live together...which I have to say would be cool...but nix the me with a kid part and it's way better...
I do this with the whole kid thing. I've said, my Grandmother/Aunt will vouch for this, that I don't want kids since I was 12...
As I've gotten older I've thought about it a bit from time to time. It's not that I don't want a kid someday it's more that I don't want to birth a kid. Adopting is something I've thought about a lot...to do when I'm all settled and have gotten all of my wildness out...which probably won't happen until I'm...dead...so anyways...it's a thought I've had. Not a serious thought, I certainly have never researched what I'd have to do or anything like that. It's just a passing thought. The thing is I always have and still always see myself as a single mom...probably weird...but very me at the same time...independent in everything...so sue me.
Stupid subconscious...get me thinking about kids...damn you...this is gross...I am not a familial mooshy kid having mommy like person...no. I am not crust cutting, nursery rhyming, storybook reading, soccer mom material...the sheer thought of that is just...ew...
I'm starting to wonder just how much I'm fighting my own genetic make up...how much I always have. Human nature, feminine nature is to be nurturing to be all of that 'mommy' stuff. I have that...in friendships, at home, in relationships...I can be incredibly patient/kind/nurturing...so isn't that enough?? I'm cool with that...I'm fine with always just being that...not the mama...I can do that...I think.
Josh/Marty won't be back from Road Trip '07 until around the 28th...this is the longest I've gone without seeing Marty in over a year...maybe two...I don't like it. The first time I talked to him the first thing I said was 'come back', tears already erupting...I am so pathetic sometimes. I can't help it. I miss my best friend. Even if the majority of our conversations are bullshit, I don't care. I live for that. Mart/me randomness. That's my lifeblood. I'm ok, I'm not spazzing out or losing my little Teeza mind with them gone, I just feel less...together. Which pisses me off so I shut that off quick as I can and just go back to doin' hermit-girl things. I've hung out with Jess/Brian...that's pretty much it. I do want to swing over to Aaron/Marty's this week...especially since I want some info on Krause's ancestry.
Dad/I are working back through his side of the family...turns out my Great, Great Grandmother's last name was...Krause. A little piece of info we got out of my Grandmother on Saturday's visit. It's unlikely that means anything far as my Krause/I are concerned...but how funny would it be if we were cousins?? It'd be hil-freakin-larious I think.
My gram's not looking so good these days. I'm glad her mind is still as sharp as ever, she helped a lot with this family tree business. She's a riot. I love her. Tough as nails and sharp witted. Apparently it's genetic. :)
I want to get this family history together before she is gone...even though the historical aspect of it doesn't interest her much, she has always been a 'leave the past in the past' person, I want it around...for me...for my future...who knows the family history might stop after Kevin/I...Kevin's the last male left that would carry on our last name...which sucks for him...but he does want a family someday...he's always wanted that...
At least one kid my parents birthed isn't jaded about marriage/family/kids. lol
I should get back to the work thing but I've got one last thing that's eating at me...so here it goes...
I want so desperately to write something for/to Josh...but my words seriously falter these days...everything I attempt comes out as juvenile to me...no matter how many big words I use. I want something down even if he never sees it...what I feel...if I didn't constantly put a cap on my emotions in this I could probably pull off a grand romantic/erotic piece of work...but I just can't...
I have writing dysfunction...it's like erectile dysfunction...only not...
Only I could make that connection/joke...
I miss him...this was the first weekend in over a month I didn't sleep in his arms...I slept ok on my own, I always do but I missed those Saturday/Sunday mornings...our early morning smokes...the fight to just get out of that bed...
Believe me I'm hating myself a little for that...my little separation bullshit...it's fine that he's away...I don't need him to be here, but it's nice when he is...
I have all the sensory shit in my head though...how soft his hair is, his smell, his touch...and it's bugging me...hence the I want to get the imagery out in a sexy/beautiful way so that I am not sitting here at work thinking about it all...
...grr...arg...
Dreamin about the babies does not a happy Teeza make...
I can't remember a whole lot now...cept a few flashes from last night's dreamage...I blame the SATC...because this is not something I would even consider in waking hours...
I'm walking along a beach with Jess/Hunter (Hunter is older than he is now...probably about 4 or 5)...but walking next to me is one little (probably around 1 or 2 year old) strawberry blonde haired little kidlet...a boy...named Dakota...which is a name I had in my mind in those few and far between moments when I think I might want a kid some day (Dakota Ryan for a boy, Tatum Rayanne for a girl...because I hate normal names...apparently)
Jess/I are just chatting like we always do, playing with our sons...it was frickin creepy...flash to later I'm sitting on some rocks smoking while Jess has both our kids, pushing them in swings...and I look back away from the shoreline at this big Victorian style house...pretty much my dream home...two men are in the distance but too far away for me to see who they may be...sitting in chairs just watching us...I finish my smoke and walk back to Jess and the kids and pick up my son who is just freakin cute...green eyes and just a heart melting smile...the kid just nestles into me...and then I wake up...to my cat...laying next to me in her usual morning "I will poke/scratch at you until you wake up but I look so cute you won't be too pissed off" way...
Apparently my subconscious wants Jess/I to have little families and live together...which I have to say would be cool...but nix the me with a kid part and it's way better...
I do this with the whole kid thing. I've said, my Grandmother/Aunt will vouch for this, that I don't want kids since I was 12...
As I've gotten older I've thought about it a bit from time to time. It's not that I don't want a kid someday it's more that I don't want to birth a kid. Adopting is something I've thought about a lot...to do when I'm all settled and have gotten all of my wildness out...which probably won't happen until I'm...dead...so anyways...it's a thought I've had. Not a serious thought, I certainly have never researched what I'd have to do or anything like that. It's just a passing thought. The thing is I always have and still always see myself as a single mom...probably weird...but very me at the same time...independent in everything...so sue me.
Stupid subconscious...get me thinking about kids...damn you...this is gross...I am not a familial mooshy kid having mommy like person...no. I am not crust cutting, nursery rhyming, storybook reading, soccer mom material...the sheer thought of that is just...ew...
I'm starting to wonder just how much I'm fighting my own genetic make up...how much I always have. Human nature, feminine nature is to be nurturing to be all of that 'mommy' stuff. I have that...in friendships, at home, in relationships...I can be incredibly patient/kind/nurturing...so isn't that enough?? I'm cool with that...I'm fine with always just being that...not the mama...I can do that...I think.
Josh/Marty won't be back from Road Trip '07 until around the 28th...this is the longest I've gone without seeing Marty in over a year...maybe two...I don't like it. The first time I talked to him the first thing I said was 'come back', tears already erupting...I am so pathetic sometimes. I can't help it. I miss my best friend. Even if the majority of our conversations are bullshit, I don't care. I live for that. Mart/me randomness. That's my lifeblood. I'm ok, I'm not spazzing out or losing my little Teeza mind with them gone, I just feel less...together. Which pisses me off so I shut that off quick as I can and just go back to doin' hermit-girl things. I've hung out with Jess/Brian...that's pretty much it. I do want to swing over to Aaron/Marty's this week...especially since I want some info on Krause's ancestry.
Dad/I are working back through his side of the family...turns out my Great, Great Grandmother's last name was...Krause. A little piece of info we got out of my Grandmother on Saturday's visit. It's unlikely that means anything far as my Krause/I are concerned...but how funny would it be if we were cousins?? It'd be hil-freakin-larious I think.
My gram's not looking so good these days. I'm glad her mind is still as sharp as ever, she helped a lot with this family tree business. She's a riot. I love her. Tough as nails and sharp witted. Apparently it's genetic. :)
I want to get this family history together before she is gone...even though the historical aspect of it doesn't interest her much, she has always been a 'leave the past in the past' person, I want it around...for me...for my future...who knows the family history might stop after Kevin/I...Kevin's the last male left that would carry on our last name...which sucks for him...but he does want a family someday...he's always wanted that...
At least one kid my parents birthed isn't jaded about marriage/family/kids. lol
I should get back to the work thing but I've got one last thing that's eating at me...so here it goes...
I want so desperately to write something for/to Josh...but my words seriously falter these days...everything I attempt comes out as juvenile to me...no matter how many big words I use. I want something down even if he never sees it...what I feel...if I didn't constantly put a cap on my emotions in this I could probably pull off a grand romantic/erotic piece of work...but I just can't...
I have writing dysfunction...it's like erectile dysfunction...only not...
Only I could make that connection/joke...
I miss him...this was the first weekend in over a month I didn't sleep in his arms...I slept ok on my own, I always do but I missed those Saturday/Sunday mornings...our early morning smokes...the fight to just get out of that bed...
Believe me I'm hating myself a little for that...my little separation bullshit...it's fine that he's away...I don't need him to be here, but it's nice when he is...
I have all the sensory shit in my head though...how soft his hair is, his smell, his touch...and it's bugging me...hence the I want to get the imagery out in a sexy/beautiful way so that I am not sitting here at work thinking about it all...
...grr...arg...