Somebody to Love
I've noticed a sort of unspoken consensus that it's a "milestone" when your first close friend gets hitched. I'm not sure I want to buy into that though.
Bob getting married, for me anyway, isn't so much an event as it was an inevitability. My cynical side is screaming, ha ha told you so they're all growing and leaving you behind neener neener. The sane part of me though is just happy for my friend. Much as I stand very much over the line where marriage is not a wanted commodity, I know that he does not hold that same logic. It is in the differences in our thoughts that we are strongest though. I find that to be true in all my pairings. Not a one of my friends, with a small exception made for me/Marty, have the same exact ideal/moral/judgment centers. I love that.
Before I digress too much, onward with the post-wedding thoughts.
I am not one for grand romantic gestures, I think that's why I have such a distaste for weddings. The actual act of the wedding, the ceremony itself. I understand that they are a religious/societal tradition, but to really get me you have to know that I loathe tradition and structure. I may like bits and pieces of these things, know that I do hold respect for what they are meant to represent, but for the most part I very much only like my own tradition, my own structure. I don't want to succumb to anything because it is a standard. That's not my style.
I told Marty yesterday, one part of my "I don't want to get married because..." bit. One I haven't shared with...well anyone but him until this moment when I feel like writing out all my why's because I can.
I don't want my father to walk me down the aisle. I just think that moment in itself would be a sick, cruel joke. It's not that I don't love my father, I do. It's not that I don't think he loves me, he does. Sometimes. I am very put off by the thought of the man who, purposely or not, made me hate myself "giving me away". I can't make anything logical out of that. If any man should "give me away", it should be the one who protected me, cared for me, taught me, nurtured me, gave me strength, and that man is not my dad. That man, is Marty. Now for sayings sake, my dad has been mostly a good dad. He has been there and he has done good things in my life, but all good things come with a price. The unfortunate circumstance of our father/daughter existence is that price has always been my self worth. I'm bankrupt for the most part in that regard.
I am not a religious person by any means, so again the act of a wedding itself is entirely lost on me. I don't understand logically why god has anything to do with it. Historically, socially, I don't see a point. Historically marriage was purely a business transaction and really if you look at the central core of it, has that even really changed? What do most married people do? They buy shit...they buy houses that as singles they couldn't afford, etc. etc. I won't get into my banter on this. Marriage for financial stability...in whatever degree seems more common to me than the idealized bullshit about joining soul mates ever has.
The ceremony itself to me is a really expensive display with little purpose...you can say vows anywhere...it's a societal step stone...because standing in front of someone I love and saying those same things in front of friends in my living room somehow doesn't carry the same legal or societal weight...which seems stupid to me. Why does it matter what you say, and where you say it...why does there have to be some third party there to pronounce you married? Why do we follow these rules? Why do we accept these rules?
Why the hell couldn't I just turn to the person I love over a beer, say do you want to be my husband/wife, they respond with a simple yeah, toast those brews and call it good? Why does our society need all that hoopla? I don't...
Yes I know I am completely unromantic and cynical...give a girl time I may win you over just yet.
I do believe in soul mates. I just believe in different kinds. I don't believe that there is only one person for everyone, because at any given moment in my history there hasn't been just one person for me.
I believe that I have, even just off the top of my head now, at least 4 maybe more soul mates. People that fit a particular part of my personality so completely or so oppositely that there is no other way to explain my attraction to them. Marty is my non-romantic, perfect soul mate. Has been for ages. He is the person that just gets me, very much my other half. Not exactly like me but that's not the point of a soul mate.
Soul mates are not twin souls, they are compliments.
My beliefs are simple, and I know that. I'm no philosopher, I'm just a fucked up girl. I believe that the concept of a soul is an ever growing, ever changing collective idea of who a person is at their core. That changes. My soul is not the same now as it was when I was 13, and it will not be the same as it is now when I am 33. If a soul changes, then there can never be one soul mate for that soul. Soul mates have to change too...
Let me stick with the marriage stuff here though or I'll kick myself later for not getting down what I want to.
I disagree with so much of what marriage represents in my head. I've seen too much maybe. Too many of the little things that grow into tumors.
The joining of people, it's a nice concept but I find it unsettling too. Part of me is sedated thinking of being a part of someone for the rest of my life. The rest of me just finds that idea too stifling, almost suffocating. I don't want to be a joint unit with anyone for the rest of my life. I want to be my own unit, my own person. It is all my independence which will likely get me in trouble or find me a very lonely old bitty...but I've come to expect and accept that reality.
I put too much thought into what all the pieces of marriage represent to me, and that is what I don't like about it. I don't want to follow the traditional ideas because what I see come from those ideas is a lot of bullshit. No different than why I dislike relationships so much. There's just too much bullshit baggage that comes with the simple acts. Too many supposed to's.
I will not be anyone's ideal...but my own.
The ring, oh I hate the ring. Somehow whatever stupid piece of fucking metal and gems you have wrapped around your finger, that's supposed to represent how much you are loved? This goes mostly for women and my dear dear Cristie I do not mean you by this, nor my dear Lisa who is also engaged but tell me if I'm wrong here, because I don't think I am.
That ring, the size, the weight, all the fucking little information about it becomes this huge fucking deal...it's material, it's metal, it's bullshit. People want to see it, flaunt over it, parade it around...I think it's stupid. Rings are pretty, they're shiny and we all know how I love shiny things as they distract me but...it's material bullshit. Rings are not what good love is made of...any asshole can buy a hunk of metal...anyone can say "Will you marry me?"...anyone can go through all of the pre-wedding hoopla...but it's not anyone that can really love someone, completely love someone...you know I'm right.
I don't want to get married because I am not willing to lie to someone. I am not willing to stand up in front of the people I care about, the people I love, and tell someone I'll love them forever, until I am no longer breathing, because I myself do not know that. No one knows that. I'm not willing to make that kind of promise to anyone. I don't want anyone to make that kind of promise to me. No matter how much I may mean those words that day, what happens if that changes? If that changes, I lied. I'm not willing to do that to someone, affections are one arena of my life I take really seriously.
I'm too realistic maybe, but I know I'm right. Hearts change, affections mutate, and at some point even the most fiery passions burn out. I know this. I've seen this.
Perhaps I am just too unwilling to take the risks. Maybe I've just never been exposed to any kind of love with real longevity outside of platonic pairings. Somehow, I believe, that after awhile it's more a matter of being stuck in the situation than a bond that keeps you stuck on the person.
Having said that I will say this. What I do want, and I hope that I am able to find someday in someone, is love that lasts. What I don't want is any more commitment to that love than my simply saying that I want you, you are the person for me, and at this moment you are what I see in my future.
What I see in my future right now mostly extends into my friendships. I can see me and Marty sitting somewhere having coffee and smokes in our 40's. I can see Jess/I playing with Hunter outside in some park when he's 10. I can see Brian and I watching a movie, fighting about nothing. I can see Cristie and I going on shopping sprees when I come to visit her. I can see these things. I can see my own future; my house, my belongings, the possibilities of children or probably just dogs, but when there is a person there with me they are always a blurry outline of that someone that I haven't found yet. Maybe.
I want somebody to love. I don't want somebody to make me financially secure, I don't want somebody to take care of me, I don't want somebody in any way but that one. Someone to love. Someone to love me.
I don't need the dress, the ring, the ceremony, the dinner, the bullshit...I just need to know that somewhere, someday there will be that person...and that's all I want...
...yep I am a fucked up girl...and while I have my beliefs on these things...I don't begrudge anyone for getting married or having relationships, or doing...anything...I'm just really particular about what I want in my own life...