i've seen it all...go down
wow - i wish i could just vent and type and let everythin come spillin out like i used to be able to do. now i just think too much, and its just a bunch of random small phrases and ideas, not actual whole thoughts.
i very much don't think i deserve to live right now. i havent done anythin right in a long time. i dont even know what right is anymore. how sad is that? yea things might feel good - but that doesnt make them right. i dont know. i still feel so lost. i'm fucked.
me and kyle attempted to talk and try and figure things out again tonight. guess how well that worked. anyways tho - i told him maybe he just needs to forget about me, and that it would make things easier for him. and he was like, "nothin except for havin you back would make anythin easier; and you cant know how this feels, you've never been in my shoes, you've never had to deal with this"
so i guess hatin every memory of watchin people just become a part of my family and then just leave one day would be of no comparison. hatin the fact that i can just forget how much people mean to me in a matter of days - cuz yea, that makes life so easy. doesn't matter how well or how long i knew a person, i can always just drop any feelings just because i've always had to. i miss people yes - but over time memories of them are just like faded notes, ancient pictures, and forgotten habits. i seriously would rather feel my heart get ripped into shreds then have to live with knowin that i just let another person slip through this weak empty heart of mine.
headache - time for sleep. hopefully for a looonnnngggggggggg time
i very much don't think i deserve to live right now. i havent done anythin right in a long time. i dont even know what right is anymore. how sad is that? yea things might feel good - but that doesnt make them right. i dont know. i still feel so lost. i'm fucked.
me and kyle attempted to talk and try and figure things out again tonight. guess how well that worked. anyways tho - i told him maybe he just needs to forget about me, and that it would make things easier for him. and he was like, "nothin except for havin you back would make anythin easier; and you cant know how this feels, you've never been in my shoes, you've never had to deal with this"
so i guess hatin every memory of watchin people just become a part of my family and then just leave one day would be of no comparison. hatin the fact that i can just forget how much people mean to me in a matter of days - cuz yea, that makes life so easy. doesn't matter how well or how long i knew a person, i can always just drop any feelings just because i've always had to. i miss people yes - but over time memories of them are just like faded notes, ancient pictures, and forgotten habits. i seriously would rather feel my heart get ripped into shreds then have to live with knowin that i just let another person slip through this weak empty heart of mine.
headache - time for sleep. hopefully for a looonnnngggggggggg time