Get back on the road dammit! (edit with correct lyrics)
Mentioned earlier that I'd be posting some more, well, here it goes:
Right now the one thing that has gone through my head (for about four/five days now) is lyrics to one of my new favorite songs: Bump in the Road by Jonny Lang. And after the last two days, and a LOT of thinking, I think I know why its been bouncing around in my head.
Breaker breaker breaker 1 9
Is there anybody out there?
I've been running this road for the first time
Sure like to know what's ahead
I've been on the wrong track with the wrong map
And i'm trying to find my way home
So come back if you're on the line
Let me know i'm not alone
With this heavy load to tow behind
It's all i can do to stay between the lines
And whatever may come my way
I can't slow down not for the weather
Won't back down i know it gets better
Too far now if i can keep it together
Won't turn around not now for just a bump in the road
Oh for just a little bump in the road
Breaker breaker stay on the line
I'm about to fall asleep at the wheel
See i've been pushin' my whole life to meet the deadline
And i'm waiting for my second wind
I can't make it alone i can't survive
I'm gonna need you to make it out alive
To the other side
Can't slow down not for the weather
Won't back down i know it gets better
Too far now if i can keep it together
Won't turn around not now for just a bump in the road
I've got nothing to prove but so much to lose
And i'd gladly give it up just to hold
Onto you 'cause you're all that i've got all i want all i need
Can't slow down not for the weather
Won't back down i know i know it gets better
Too far now if i can keep it together
Won't turn around
Can't slow down won't back down too far now
Won't turn around not now for just a bump in the road
Not now for what comes my way
Just a little bump in the road
This 'bump in the road' for me is not necessarily the relationship that I've been panicking over, as I'm certain that it could be read that way, but rather life in general right now. The bump is the divorce and ending of my old life and the beginning of this new one.
I've been on the wrong track with the wrong map and I'm trying to find my way back home. I'm on a road I've never been on before and it is scaring me. I have a maelstrom of emotions and problems going through my head right now and I think that I've been spreading myself all over. I think I've been seeking distractions to keep from looking at the road ahead and that is why I did what I did.
Breaker Breaker, stay on the line. I'm about to fall asleep at the wheel. See I've been pushin' my whole life to meet the deadline, and i'm waiting for my second wind.... I think I didn't listen to breaker. I think I may have cut the chords to one of my cb radios instead and I'm trying to repair it. I was pushing to meet my move out deadline. Pushing to make sure I had everything her goddam attorney asked for in terms of information disclosure for the divorce process. Pushing to make sure I was available to Casey. Pushing to make sure I was up to speed with my job performance. Instead, I stretched myself thin and I fell asleep at the wheel and went off the road.
I can't make it alone. I won't survive. I'm gonna need you to make it out alive. To the other side... I have my friends and my family and I need them. I need to not push them away. I pushed one person I cared so much for away because I felt overwhelmed by everything. Not anything that she necessarily did. I wanted to have some space, I wanted to be able to keep my turmoil from affecting and effecting her and her life. In my panic, I did just want I didn't want to do. I don't know if I was being selfish or not and I think that is something I need to think very seriously about. While the only person who can fix my problems is me, I need to remember that I have others who will help me and support me as best they can.
Got nothing to prove but so much to lose. I only have something to prove to myself and no one else. That I can get through this period in my life and still be successful. I have much to lose and I'm afraid I may have lost something very dear to me. I've already lost a lot, but I'm certain that over the next few months (and even days) I'll start gaining better perspective about myself because I've started living on my own.
I'd gladly give it up just to hold onto you cause you're all that Ive got, all I want, all I need... I think I may have a good idea what happened. I admit I did partial rebound. I didn't want that, nor did I intend for that, but that is what happened. She said she felt like a rebound and I said she wasn't. I think I was partially lying to myself about that and in turn lied to her (albeit unintentionally because I was lying to myself.) That is something i must apologize to her about. But I also KNOW that there was more there then that. I did fall in love again. I know that because I know that much about my personality and I would not be feeling the way I do right now if it wasn't the case. I want to rid the rebound and keep what wasn't the rebound and build on that because I can see great things. I just need to fix the void that I still have from Iris so I don't replace that void with Casey simply to replace the void. I realize, after talking with myself, that I fall fast, fall hard, burn bright, burn fast, and then burn out. I want to keep this candle burning.
I may see a therapist in the near future, but I've been to multiple therapists in the past and I can't say that any of them have been useful or worth a damn. So I must say I'm very leery at the prospect of doing that. But I do know that I can't turn around and dwell on my past with Iris or feel sorry for myself, or think that I'm a failure. This is a bump in the road. It will get better. I know that.
Right now the one thing that has gone through my head (for about four/five days now) is lyrics to one of my new favorite songs: Bump in the Road by Jonny Lang. And after the last two days, and a LOT of thinking, I think I know why its been bouncing around in my head.
Breaker breaker breaker 1 9
Is there anybody out there?
I've been running this road for the first time
Sure like to know what's ahead
I've been on the wrong track with the wrong map
And i'm trying to find my way home
So come back if you're on the line
Let me know i'm not alone
With this heavy load to tow behind
It's all i can do to stay between the lines
And whatever may come my way
I can't slow down not for the weather
Won't back down i know it gets better
Too far now if i can keep it together
Won't turn around not now for just a bump in the road
Oh for just a little bump in the road
Breaker breaker stay on the line
I'm about to fall asleep at the wheel
See i've been pushin' my whole life to meet the deadline
And i'm waiting for my second wind
I can't make it alone i can't survive
I'm gonna need you to make it out alive
To the other side
Can't slow down not for the weather
Won't back down i know it gets better
Too far now if i can keep it together
Won't turn around not now for just a bump in the road
I've got nothing to prove but so much to lose
And i'd gladly give it up just to hold
Onto you 'cause you're all that i've got all i want all i need
Can't slow down not for the weather
Won't back down i know i know it gets better
Too far now if i can keep it together
Won't turn around
Can't slow down won't back down too far now
Won't turn around not now for just a bump in the road
Not now for what comes my way
Just a little bump in the road
This 'bump in the road' for me is not necessarily the relationship that I've been panicking over, as I'm certain that it could be read that way, but rather life in general right now. The bump is the divorce and ending of my old life and the beginning of this new one.
I've been on the wrong track with the wrong map and I'm trying to find my way back home. I'm on a road I've never been on before and it is scaring me. I have a maelstrom of emotions and problems going through my head right now and I think that I've been spreading myself all over. I think I've been seeking distractions to keep from looking at the road ahead and that is why I did what I did.
Breaker Breaker, stay on the line. I'm about to fall asleep at the wheel. See I've been pushin' my whole life to meet the deadline, and i'm waiting for my second wind.... I think I didn't listen to breaker. I think I may have cut the chords to one of my cb radios instead and I'm trying to repair it. I was pushing to meet my move out deadline. Pushing to make sure I had everything her goddam attorney asked for in terms of information disclosure for the divorce process. Pushing to make sure I was available to Casey. Pushing to make sure I was up to speed with my job performance. Instead, I stretched myself thin and I fell asleep at the wheel and went off the road.
I can't make it alone. I won't survive. I'm gonna need you to make it out alive. To the other side... I have my friends and my family and I need them. I need to not push them away. I pushed one person I cared so much for away because I felt overwhelmed by everything. Not anything that she necessarily did. I wanted to have some space, I wanted to be able to keep my turmoil from affecting and effecting her and her life. In my panic, I did just want I didn't want to do. I don't know if I was being selfish or not and I think that is something I need to think very seriously about. While the only person who can fix my problems is me, I need to remember that I have others who will help me and support me as best they can.
Got nothing to prove but so much to lose. I only have something to prove to myself and no one else. That I can get through this period in my life and still be successful. I have much to lose and I'm afraid I may have lost something very dear to me. I've already lost a lot, but I'm certain that over the next few months (and even days) I'll start gaining better perspective about myself because I've started living on my own.
I'd gladly give it up just to hold onto you cause you're all that Ive got, all I want, all I need... I think I may have a good idea what happened. I admit I did partial rebound. I didn't want that, nor did I intend for that, but that is what happened. She said she felt like a rebound and I said she wasn't. I think I was partially lying to myself about that and in turn lied to her (albeit unintentionally because I was lying to myself.) That is something i must apologize to her about. But I also KNOW that there was more there then that. I did fall in love again. I know that because I know that much about my personality and I would not be feeling the way I do right now if it wasn't the case. I want to rid the rebound and keep what wasn't the rebound and build on that because I can see great things. I just need to fix the void that I still have from Iris so I don't replace that void with Casey simply to replace the void. I realize, after talking with myself, that I fall fast, fall hard, burn bright, burn fast, and then burn out. I want to keep this candle burning.
I may see a therapist in the near future, but I've been to multiple therapists in the past and I can't say that any of them have been useful or worth a damn. So I must say I'm very leery at the prospect of doing that. But I do know that I can't turn around and dwell on my past with Iris or feel sorry for myself, or think that I'm a failure. This is a bump in the road. It will get better. I know that.