Bah well lets try writing it all down
well not normally one for this kind of thing to this level but here it goes,
so last night was a friday night for me this means out to club (careful budgeting to manage it but then i dont drink that much really) and its also the start of half term so no work next week, so as per normal we start in camden at the hobgoblin for a little relaxed drinking with a backdrop of metal music before heading over to the Scala for UNHOLY, catching a live performance by the Sohodolls was quite nice, savagemessiah isnt bad either but then at the techno/metal/rock end of the spectrum im pretty generous in praise, and one day ill find more than the odd one or two people who know what im talking about when i say names like Aura Hiemis and Lethian Dreams but thats a sidetrack
but of course after a while it didnt seem so fun anymore, as that feeling that has a habit of creeping up on me was infact creeping up on me, cause its the old complaint really, i am single and alone and that just gets me deep down constantly because i came to realise that ultimatly im a social animal alone is not fun and i cant bear it long unless im really heavily distracted, its not true for everyone but for me its a fact, and besides whats the point in life if you dont have anyone to share it with, but then i get angry mostly with myself because im so useless and fail i wouldnt know what and how to fix this because i am horribly insecure and do not know how to go about fixing this and so i go on walking through the world alone in hte middle of crowds randomly approaching breakdown into streaming tears when i either i get to consider my life as distraction fails or when i start to get more sober after drinking (making a very important reason why i dont drink much as among other things when i stop i start getting sober and then collapse into a sobbing wreck), throwing myself into larp and otehr hobbies to not look at the emptyness of my life, my job is now a low paid joke taking up half my time which then leaves me with more free time on my hand so i end up dreading holidays and slowly it rolls on a cycle of pain and anger and how long can this really go on before it consumes me?
so last night was a friday night for me this means out to club (careful budgeting to manage it but then i dont drink that much really) and its also the start of half term so no work next week, so as per normal we start in camden at the hobgoblin for a little relaxed drinking with a backdrop of metal music before heading over to the Scala for UNHOLY, catching a live performance by the Sohodolls was quite nice, savagemessiah isnt bad either but then at the techno/metal/rock end of the spectrum im pretty generous in praise, and one day ill find more than the odd one or two people who know what im talking about when i say names like Aura Hiemis and Lethian Dreams but thats a sidetrack
but of course after a while it didnt seem so fun anymore, as that feeling that has a habit of creeping up on me was infact creeping up on me, cause its the old complaint really, i am single and alone and that just gets me deep down constantly because i came to realise that ultimatly im a social animal alone is not fun and i cant bear it long unless im really heavily distracted, its not true for everyone but for me its a fact, and besides whats the point in life if you dont have anyone to share it with, but then i get angry mostly with myself because im so useless and fail i wouldnt know what and how to fix this because i am horribly insecure and do not know how to go about fixing this and so i go on walking through the world alone in hte middle of crowds randomly approaching breakdown into streaming tears when i either i get to consider my life as distraction fails or when i start to get more sober after drinking (making a very important reason why i dont drink much as among other things when i stop i start getting sober and then collapse into a sobbing wreck), throwing myself into larp and otehr hobbies to not look at the emptyness of my life, my job is now a low paid joke taking up half my time which then leaves me with more free time on my hand so i end up dreading holidays and slowly it rolls on a cycle of pain and anger and how long can this really go on before it consumes me?