(no subject)
Why is it that I don't fit in with any group? friends? anything. nothing seems to be working out for me. I just don't fit in anywhere. Flyball, which I thought was going good. I thought someday I would fit in. No, I just didn't fit in. I never will. PT. A pet forum. I suppose I fit in here more than anywhere else, but then again, I don't know. Friends? I suppose. But we are growing more and more appart with differences I think. We don't talk often anyway. And that is my only friend. I talk to Sarah sometimes too, but not often. University? I don't know about that either.
It's so hard for me to join things when nothing works for me. It's getting ridiculous how I have no friends or groups to hang out in. Everything I think is good, fails. The only bit of support of sence of fitting in is work...and I hate that place. If it doesn't close, then I'll quit. However, I do feel like I can talk to some of the regulars. I really like some of them. However, they aren't "friends". I'm not going to hang out with them. So, when it closes, or I quit...what then?
I'm starting to believe that I'm just not ment to be on this earth. Or perhaps I'm ment to be a hermit. Being a hermit would likely be less lonely. I can't get close to people even if I tried. The more I'm interested, the more withdrawn I am. How dumb? I feel like moving away from everything, and starting new somewhere else. By myself. I feel like I need to grow up.
Staying at Sarah's for the week has shown me that I CAN be alone, and also that I WANT to be alone. I like it that I can do whatever I want. Clean when I want..anything, and not have someone there telling me I'm not doing things right.
I still feel like there is a hole in my heart from this whole flyball thing. They were really quick to remove me from the emailing list. I guess I never ment a thing to them, but why should I expect to mean anything to them? I'm being greedy? It was my only connection to socializing. I went to parties, practices, helped volenteering...I use to have work and flyball. Now I have work, and soon I will have nothing.
I honestly feel I am near a breaking point. I don't know how much longer I can accept these failures. It's been atleast 5 years since I had more than one friend. I'm not that interesting, or perhaps I'm just a crazy bitch. I always felt poorly of myself, but it's getting to the point that I feel it's ME. Something I am, or am not doing. I've tried getting out there and doing things, but like I said, I just never fit in.
I feel as if I perhaps fit in with PT...but, only when I'm with them in person. I can't see that happening again. If it does, it would likely be the last time as I don't have the money to keep visiting people.
I had such high hopes for flyball. I liked bragging that Zeke was an "athlete". I loved being someone who was active in flyball tournys and being seen for it. I liked the thought of one day Zeke will compete, if I work hard enough. I put my all into it, and it wasn't enough. I will miss going to tourny's with Sarah, Randy and Tammy and sitting in a hotel room with 5 dogs and having drinks after a long day and just laughing our butts off.
*sinks*
I know this is becoming longer and longer, and to be honest, I don't expect anyone to even still be reading this. This is ment as a vent on my part as I can't seem to feel good anymore. I have this person pictured in my mind who I wish to become. She would be very smart, outgoing, fit in with most people, not be so emotional, stand up for what she believes in, no matter what. I'm sure some of this could be possible to change, but others, such as "be very smart" are not so likely. I cannot make myself smart.
I just wish there was something, or someone that will show me that I will be ok. That I can make it through all this. I'm tired of going to movies with my mom. I like going to movies, but no one to go with. I want to be able to hang out with people. Why the heck does this not work out for me? It's so painful. Most of the time I just pretend it doesn't exist. I work, come home and go on the internet. It takes my mind off of everything. But in reality, it's still there. I don't see how much longer I can keep this up...if something good doesn't happen ...something that will show me a little light. Anything. Maybe *I'M* suppose to work harder...but in all honesty, why should I? For what reason? Only pain will come of it. Make it worse.
It's so hard for me to join things when nothing works for me. It's getting ridiculous how I have no friends or groups to hang out in. Everything I think is good, fails. The only bit of support of sence of fitting in is work...and I hate that place. If it doesn't close, then I'll quit. However, I do feel like I can talk to some of the regulars. I really like some of them. However, they aren't "friends". I'm not going to hang out with them. So, when it closes, or I quit...what then?
I'm starting to believe that I'm just not ment to be on this earth. Or perhaps I'm ment to be a hermit. Being a hermit would likely be less lonely. I can't get close to people even if I tried. The more I'm interested, the more withdrawn I am. How dumb? I feel like moving away from everything, and starting new somewhere else. By myself. I feel like I need to grow up.
Staying at Sarah's for the week has shown me that I CAN be alone, and also that I WANT to be alone. I like it that I can do whatever I want. Clean when I want..anything, and not have someone there telling me I'm not doing things right.
I still feel like there is a hole in my heart from this whole flyball thing. They were really quick to remove me from the emailing list. I guess I never ment a thing to them, but why should I expect to mean anything to them? I'm being greedy? It was my only connection to socializing. I went to parties, practices, helped volenteering...I use to have work and flyball. Now I have work, and soon I will have nothing.
I honestly feel I am near a breaking point. I don't know how much longer I can accept these failures. It's been atleast 5 years since I had more than one friend. I'm not that interesting, or perhaps I'm just a crazy bitch. I always felt poorly of myself, but it's getting to the point that I feel it's ME. Something I am, or am not doing. I've tried getting out there and doing things, but like I said, I just never fit in.
I feel as if I perhaps fit in with PT...but, only when I'm with them in person. I can't see that happening again. If it does, it would likely be the last time as I don't have the money to keep visiting people.
I had such high hopes for flyball. I liked bragging that Zeke was an "athlete". I loved being someone who was active in flyball tournys and being seen for it. I liked the thought of one day Zeke will compete, if I work hard enough. I put my all into it, and it wasn't enough. I will miss going to tourny's with Sarah, Randy and Tammy and sitting in a hotel room with 5 dogs and having drinks after a long day and just laughing our butts off.
*sinks*
I know this is becoming longer and longer, and to be honest, I don't expect anyone to even still be reading this. This is ment as a vent on my part as I can't seem to feel good anymore. I have this person pictured in my mind who I wish to become. She would be very smart, outgoing, fit in with most people, not be so emotional, stand up for what she believes in, no matter what. I'm sure some of this could be possible to change, but others, such as "be very smart" are not so likely. I cannot make myself smart.
I just wish there was something, or someone that will show me that I will be ok. That I can make it through all this. I'm tired of going to movies with my mom. I like going to movies, but no one to go with. I want to be able to hang out with people. Why the heck does this not work out for me? It's so painful. Most of the time I just pretend it doesn't exist. I work, come home and go on the internet. It takes my mind off of everything. But in reality, it's still there. I don't see how much longer I can keep this up...if something good doesn't happen ...something that will show me a little light. Anything. Maybe *I'M* suppose to work harder...but in all honesty, why should I? For what reason? Only pain will come of it. Make it worse.