The Lost part...
So here's my Lost post I foreshadowed in the last post...
I'm still struggling with anger/fustration issues... or is it Frustration... I dont know how the fuck to spell it...
I'm the type that lets things stew and build up, really without even realizing in all honesty that I'm doing it... Or even that something is bothering me to begin with... then , randomly, I explode... and I admit, it's kind of orgasmic afterwards, way afterwards, in that I feel relieved, but it's just not healthy to bottle things...
I get scared of that actually, because there have been lots of times when I've bottled and the release wasn't just a verbal explosion, but rather self inflicted injuries... I've really damaged my knee with a hammer once, I've cut myself, I've done alot of things to myself I'm not proud of. And I've worked hard at not doing it again... And so far, aside from picking a scab or two, I've been really good.
But last night, last night I could feel it... I could feel the need, no, the desire to hurt myself... To an extreme.. I thought about cutting myself... and I scared myself.
So I sat in the bathroom and just steamed...
Finally andrea came up to see if I was ok, and I said I wasn't.. I told her I hate myself.. I hate how I erupt, I hate how I look, I hate how I feel.
Hate...
Truly hate.
She started talking, trying to help me, tryig to understand.. and she does, all the time, try.
I may paint a picture sometimes that I'm the victim, but honestly, I'm so selfish half the time, that I'm really just a brat.
A mean, selfish, brat.
She was telling me how one thing that helps her is faith and spirituality... She was telling me it wasn't necessarily about christian god and scipture, but more about being spiritual...
I don't have that in anyway... I dont have any spirituality, any faith, any real beliefs in that way... I wish I had... I always wished I did... I tried getting into taoism.. but that didnt work out, mostly cuz I found it kind of self absorbed... which is kinda weird...I know...
I'm lost... just lost.
I'm still struggling with anger/fustration issues... or is it Frustration... I dont know how the fuck to spell it...
I'm the type that lets things stew and build up, really without even realizing in all honesty that I'm doing it... Or even that something is bothering me to begin with... then , randomly, I explode... and I admit, it's kind of orgasmic afterwards, way afterwards, in that I feel relieved, but it's just not healthy to bottle things...
I get scared of that actually, because there have been lots of times when I've bottled and the release wasn't just a verbal explosion, but rather self inflicted injuries... I've really damaged my knee with a hammer once, I've cut myself, I've done alot of things to myself I'm not proud of. And I've worked hard at not doing it again... And so far, aside from picking a scab or two, I've been really good.
But last night, last night I could feel it... I could feel the need, no, the desire to hurt myself... To an extreme.. I thought about cutting myself... and I scared myself.
So I sat in the bathroom and just steamed...
Finally andrea came up to see if I was ok, and I said I wasn't.. I told her I hate myself.. I hate how I erupt, I hate how I look, I hate how I feel.
Hate...
Truly hate.
She started talking, trying to help me, tryig to understand.. and she does, all the time, try.
I may paint a picture sometimes that I'm the victim, but honestly, I'm so selfish half the time, that I'm really just a brat.
A mean, selfish, brat.
She was telling me how one thing that helps her is faith and spirituality... She was telling me it wasn't necessarily about christian god and scipture, but more about being spiritual...
I don't have that in anyway... I dont have any spirituality, any faith, any real beliefs in that way... I wish I had... I always wished I did... I tried getting into taoism.. but that didnt work out, mostly cuz I found it kind of self absorbed... which is kinda weird...I know...
I'm lost... just lost.