We're going page for page, up in flames...
It's interesting, this semester being over. It's been sixteen weeks since I've felt this freedom, and now that's it here I'm not quite sure I know what to do with it. It's been so long, so vast. I've been thinking about the same thing for sixteen weeks... and now that it's all over, I don't know what to think about anymore.
I realize that sounds crazy, and you're right, it probably is. After all, I'm kind of a nut. It's true though. I'm in this totally funky mood today. Although I'm filled with relief and satisfaction that I'm done with student teaching, I just feel strange. Like I'm not sure what to do with myself. I've spent 16 weeks thinking about the same things: "Okay, I have to plan for ____ class and _______ class next week; so-and-so has to have his seat changed because he can't sit with those people anymore; oh crap, I have to modify that quiz for so-and-so because she can't read; I have to get my portfolio organized again..." yada yada yada, on and on my brain went for all those weeks. Now, it's over. Although I'm ecstatic, I just don't know what to do. What on earth did I think about before student teaching???
Nevertheless, I'm gloriously happy that it's over. Things with my cooperating teacher went slowly from bad to worse throughout the semester. I think she's just as happy to have me gone as I am to be gone. Well, there is one good thing I learned from the second half of the semester- I'm totally not cut out to teach middle schoolers. No wonder the burn out rate for a new middle school teacher averages at five years- those kids are exhausting. I just don't have the right classroom management style to deal with them. High school is MUCH more my style.
I would go through a big long update on what's been going on in my life since 16 weeks ago when I pretty much dropped off the face of the planet socially... but really, there isn't anything to say. My life revolved around student teaching, with a few random fun things thrown in. I don't regret that the semester made me into a complete social recluse. After all, it's what needed to happen for me to move on with my life- so why regret the inevitable? I'm simply saying that there isn't much to be said for what's been going on in my life, since there really hasn't been much at all. Hopefully that will be able to change, now that I'm out of the pause.
In other random news, I'm getting rid of my Xanga. I don't know why I'm writing about this, other than the fact that I've been thinking about it a lot. I'm going to delete it within the next week or two. I've been thinking a lot lately about why I've been holding onto it for all these years. I hardly use it anymore. I don't have any connection to anyone on there anymore. It's really just a bunch of old memories put into writing- a place for others to invade my privacy by reading entries from a time when I was much less sure.
So, why hold onto it? I asked myself that hundreds of times over the past year or two. When really, I know why I've held onto it. This is going to make me sound somewhere between shallow, melancholy, and strange, but I'm going to say it anyway. It's because a part of me wanted to hold onto the past. A part of me wanted to still have some connection to The Marine. James. I haven't even said or written his name in months, but there it is. I wanted to hold onto my history with James. Don't get me wrong- it's nothing to do with wanting to still be with him, or not wanting to be with Doug, or any of those things. I think it's merely because... back when I was with him, and also back during sophomore year when I had my third dance with Tyler in an attempt to forget everything... things were simple. That sounds strange, but it's true. I was so very alone back then. I didn't answer to anyone. I was lost in such a deep depression. Pulling out of that depression is the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life, and I am proud that I was able to do it. I did that all by myself. I forgot about James all by myself. I walked away from Tyler all by myself. I stopped the desperation and endless nights all myself. I did it myself.
And that's why it hold on. It's not because of The Marine or a wish that I was still with him, but only because I want to remember the past. Remembering how low I once got pushes me to stay high, if that makes any sense. When I remember how bad it can get, I remind myself that I don't have to be there anymore. I don't have to be that girl that I once was. I was able to push myself out- all by myself- and I don't have to do it anymore.
I'm getting rid of my Xanga. I don't need it anymore. Plus, I'm sick of the prowler. Let me explain. Xanga now has this thing called "Xanga footprints." It's actually one of the first reasons why I stopped using Xanga on a regular basis. It's basically a tracking system so that you can see everyone who looks at your page. If it's a xanga user who's logged in, it will display the person's name. If it's someone else, it will take from their IP address and tell you what state the person lives in and how they got directed to your page.
And, I have a prowler. I've had one for years, actually. It's no mystery to me who it is, either. Every month or two, I'll go to my xanga page and check my footprints and see 20-30 hits in one night from someone with a Florida IP address, who was directed to my page by searching "[my username] xanga" in google. This person will usually spend about 15 minutes on my page, going back and back in time to my entries from freshman year and the summer of 2005 where he will stop and read all of the entries from that time. It's The Marine.
So, the other day I wrote a sort of farewell entry on Xanga. Here is what it said:
"Got an old suitcase full of journals, and I used to try to use them as a reference point. Now I realize that I run in circles, run in circles with a black ballpoint..."
I've got to get rid of this place. Xanga is all about a past that I don't feel like holding onto anymore. I haven't in quite some time, actually. The past is the past, and the future is the future. And a part of me believes that I've grown out of this place.
With Friday will come the end of student teaching. With December 20th will come graduation from the college that I've called my home for 4 and 1/2 years. With January 7th will come the eight year anniversary of seeing life through these new eyes. With May will come the end of my transition. And with July 11th will come marriage to the boy that's been so good at making it all right again.
My mind can often become blurred with the dates of memories from the past- surgeries, birthdays, cominghomes, goingaways, smiles, frowns, revelations... but maybe I don't have to be made up of all the past that's come before me. Maybe I'm bigger than the shambles that are my memories.
I've got to get rid of this place. If I were you, I wouldn't be surprised if it all disappeared very, very soon. So drink it in while you can, because soon it may all be gone.
"... Well, I've got an idea if you wanna try it. Meet me in the the yard by the barbeque pit. We can take everything we've ever written, make a great big pile and take a match to it. We'll have a journal burning party. We'll get a clean slate, honey..."
And so, that is what I wrote. A day or two later, I went to my xanga page, I had 30 hits on my footprints from a Florida IP address who searched "[my username] xanga." It's over, and I hope he knows that. I'm not going to hold on anymore.
By the way, the song is called "Journal Burning Party" by David Dondero. Ironically enough, that song came on randomly on iTunes while I was writing the entry. It was so ironic and wonderful that I had to quote it in the entry. Isn't it amazing when stuff like that happens? Nuts.
Anyway, that's the end of my random entry. I'm going to try to be good from now on and write more often. But I always say that, don't I? So, will it happen or not? Stay tuned.
P.S.- Twilight = Yay! Loved it. :)
I realize that sounds crazy, and you're right, it probably is. After all, I'm kind of a nut. It's true though. I'm in this totally funky mood today. Although I'm filled with relief and satisfaction that I'm done with student teaching, I just feel strange. Like I'm not sure what to do with myself. I've spent 16 weeks thinking about the same things: "Okay, I have to plan for ____ class and _______ class next week; so-and-so has to have his seat changed because he can't sit with those people anymore; oh crap, I have to modify that quiz for so-and-so because she can't read; I have to get my portfolio organized again..." yada yada yada, on and on my brain went for all those weeks. Now, it's over. Although I'm ecstatic, I just don't know what to do. What on earth did I think about before student teaching???
Nevertheless, I'm gloriously happy that it's over. Things with my cooperating teacher went slowly from bad to worse throughout the semester. I think she's just as happy to have me gone as I am to be gone. Well, there is one good thing I learned from the second half of the semester- I'm totally not cut out to teach middle schoolers. No wonder the burn out rate for a new middle school teacher averages at five years- those kids are exhausting. I just don't have the right classroom management style to deal with them. High school is MUCH more my style.
I would go through a big long update on what's been going on in my life since 16 weeks ago when I pretty much dropped off the face of the planet socially... but really, there isn't anything to say. My life revolved around student teaching, with a few random fun things thrown in. I don't regret that the semester made me into a complete social recluse. After all, it's what needed to happen for me to move on with my life- so why regret the inevitable? I'm simply saying that there isn't much to be said for what's been going on in my life, since there really hasn't been much at all. Hopefully that will be able to change, now that I'm out of the pause.
In other random news, I'm getting rid of my Xanga. I don't know why I'm writing about this, other than the fact that I've been thinking about it a lot. I'm going to delete it within the next week or two. I've been thinking a lot lately about why I've been holding onto it for all these years. I hardly use it anymore. I don't have any connection to anyone on there anymore. It's really just a bunch of old memories put into writing- a place for others to invade my privacy by reading entries from a time when I was much less sure.
So, why hold onto it? I asked myself that hundreds of times over the past year or two. When really, I know why I've held onto it. This is going to make me sound somewhere between shallow, melancholy, and strange, but I'm going to say it anyway. It's because a part of me wanted to hold onto the past. A part of me wanted to still have some connection to The Marine. James. I haven't even said or written his name in months, but there it is. I wanted to hold onto my history with James. Don't get me wrong- it's nothing to do with wanting to still be with him, or not wanting to be with Doug, or any of those things. I think it's merely because... back when I was with him, and also back during sophomore year when I had my third dance with Tyler in an attempt to forget everything... things were simple. That sounds strange, but it's true. I was so very alone back then. I didn't answer to anyone. I was lost in such a deep depression. Pulling out of that depression is the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life, and I am proud that I was able to do it. I did that all by myself. I forgot about James all by myself. I walked away from Tyler all by myself. I stopped the desperation and endless nights all myself. I did it myself.
And that's why it hold on. It's not because of The Marine or a wish that I was still with him, but only because I want to remember the past. Remembering how low I once got pushes me to stay high, if that makes any sense. When I remember how bad it can get, I remind myself that I don't have to be there anymore. I don't have to be that girl that I once was. I was able to push myself out- all by myself- and I don't have to do it anymore.
I'm getting rid of my Xanga. I don't need it anymore. Plus, I'm sick of the prowler. Let me explain. Xanga now has this thing called "Xanga footprints." It's actually one of the first reasons why I stopped using Xanga on a regular basis. It's basically a tracking system so that you can see everyone who looks at your page. If it's a xanga user who's logged in, it will display the person's name. If it's someone else, it will take from their IP address and tell you what state the person lives in and how they got directed to your page.
And, I have a prowler. I've had one for years, actually. It's no mystery to me who it is, either. Every month or two, I'll go to my xanga page and check my footprints and see 20-30 hits in one night from someone with a Florida IP address, who was directed to my page by searching "[my username] xanga" in google. This person will usually spend about 15 minutes on my page, going back and back in time to my entries from freshman year and the summer of 2005 where he will stop and read all of the entries from that time. It's The Marine.
So, the other day I wrote a sort of farewell entry on Xanga. Here is what it said:
"Got an old suitcase full of journals, and I used to try to use them as a reference point. Now I realize that I run in circles, run in circles with a black ballpoint..."
I've got to get rid of this place. Xanga is all about a past that I don't feel like holding onto anymore. I haven't in quite some time, actually. The past is the past, and the future is the future. And a part of me believes that I've grown out of this place.
With Friday will come the end of student teaching. With December 20th will come graduation from the college that I've called my home for 4 and 1/2 years. With January 7th will come the eight year anniversary of seeing life through these new eyes. With May will come the end of my transition. And with July 11th will come marriage to the boy that's been so good at making it all right again.
My mind can often become blurred with the dates of memories from the past- surgeries, birthdays, cominghomes, goingaways, smiles, frowns, revelations... but maybe I don't have to be made up of all the past that's come before me. Maybe I'm bigger than the shambles that are my memories.
I've got to get rid of this place. If I were you, I wouldn't be surprised if it all disappeared very, very soon. So drink it in while you can, because soon it may all be gone.
"... Well, I've got an idea if you wanna try it. Meet me in the the yard by the barbeque pit. We can take everything we've ever written, make a great big pile and take a match to it. We'll have a journal burning party. We'll get a clean slate, honey..."
And so, that is what I wrote. A day or two later, I went to my xanga page, I had 30 hits on my footprints from a Florida IP address who searched "[my username] xanga." It's over, and I hope he knows that. I'm not going to hold on anymore.
By the way, the song is called "Journal Burning Party" by David Dondero. Ironically enough, that song came on randomly on iTunes while I was writing the entry. It was so ironic and wonderful that I had to quote it in the entry. Isn't it amazing when stuff like that happens? Nuts.
Anyway, that's the end of my random entry. I'm going to try to be good from now on and write more often. But I always say that, don't I? So, will it happen or not? Stay tuned.
P.S.- Twilight = Yay! Loved it. :)