Lonely Of Sorts...
It's times like this when I feel the most lonely. Like the only people I can talk to are thousands of miles away....and talking on the phone just won't cut it. It's times like this when I just wish someone would hold me close and tell me that everything is okay. That the choices you picked will turn out fine whether they were the right ones or not. That we will make it.....it's just going to take a little more work than we have been putting forth.
I guess to be a little less cryptic....my life isn't exactly going as planned right now. I miss home and some things haven't exactly been great here. There's quite a few things that have been getting on my nerves and I pretty much had a meltdown yesterday night. One thing piles on top of another, on top of another, on top of another until I can't take it anymore. Yesterday makes the second time I have ever just walked out on Anthony because I have been so pissed I couldn't stand to even be in his presence. Last night had a lot to do with his brother and the people around me more than it had to do with him. But there were some underlying things that had to do with him....Mainly it's the way I've been treated by his brother. I have never known anyone to be so f'in rude. Complaining about the way I cook, always wanting to borrow stuff (or just taking it without asking), mocking the way I talk....and last night the big thing.....joking about picking a fight with me when I was pissed so bad I shaking and ready to knock him on his ass. That has to do with Anthony changing me from #1 on his top friends to #2....making his brother #1. What I don't understand is why....I asked him about it and the only answer I got was "Well...my brother has me in his #1 spot." But see....what I'm not understanding is that his brother has ALWAYS had him in the #1 spot....and so has a few of his friends! YET! I have been in Anthony's #1 spot ever since we have been dating. But all of the sudden....after 11 months he decides to change it and put his brother there instead? And he doesn't think that there's anything wrong with it!!! That's what gets me. Sadly it makes me feel as though I'm not #1 in his heart and mind anymore...I know I know...it's just a f'in myspace profile...but still. Why would he go and randomly change it now??? But there are other things that make this such a big deal to me. Things that make me wonder if I have truly made the right choice. But no one can really answer that question except for me. And I guess I'll find out soon enough.
I guess to be a little less cryptic....my life isn't exactly going as planned right now. I miss home and some things haven't exactly been great here. There's quite a few things that have been getting on my nerves and I pretty much had a meltdown yesterday night. One thing piles on top of another, on top of another, on top of another until I can't take it anymore. Yesterday makes the second time I have ever just walked out on Anthony because I have been so pissed I couldn't stand to even be in his presence. Last night had a lot to do with his brother and the people around me more than it had to do with him. But there were some underlying things that had to do with him....Mainly it's the way I've been treated by his brother. I have never known anyone to be so f'in rude. Complaining about the way I cook, always wanting to borrow stuff (or just taking it without asking), mocking the way I talk....and last night the big thing.....joking about picking a fight with me when I was pissed so bad I shaking and ready to knock him on his ass. That has to do with Anthony changing me from #1 on his top friends to #2....making his brother #1. What I don't understand is why....I asked him about it and the only answer I got was "Well...my brother has me in his #1 spot." But see....what I'm not understanding is that his brother has ALWAYS had him in the #1 spot....and so has a few of his friends! YET! I have been in Anthony's #1 spot ever since we have been dating. But all of the sudden....after 11 months he decides to change it and put his brother there instead? And he doesn't think that there's anything wrong with it!!! That's what gets me. Sadly it makes me feel as though I'm not #1 in his heart and mind anymore...I know I know...it's just a f'in myspace profile...but still. Why would he go and randomly change it now??? But there are other things that make this such a big deal to me. Things that make me wonder if I have truly made the right choice. But no one can really answer that question except for me. And I guess I'll find out soon enough.