Ssh
I'm an upmyself cunt. I live to be "great", though it doesn't necessarily make me a "cunt", it's a troublesome attitude to have as you can't go on living if you fail to impress. I get off on knowing I've entertained someone and if I fail, all I'd be thinking about is how to make my revenge, how to prove myself. Most of the great artists who I know personally don't seem to carry that attitude, for them it's not about "showing off" but doing the best they can to contribute their talents to the realm of the arts. My TAFE teachers always complain about self absorbed artists and "auters" (however you spell it) but I crave immortality, that makes me a disgusting sort of artist.
Talents aside, the attitude reflects in all aspects...if I'm a nice guy it's because I treat those I love the way I want to be treated. I want everyone to love me, it feels real selfish like. Though I have a heart and cry over just about any well executed emotional film, song or incident...if I think about it it's probably because I understand the beauty or pain within such things which again relates back to myself.
I'm a jealous motherfucker too, some of my friends pay less attention to me than I'd like them to - thinking about this almost makes me cry, I'm a fragile piece of work, I need looking after. That's not to say I'm not looked after, I am loved by my friends, I know that. It just troubles me they don't worry about things that I do sometimes and feeling left out sucks. Why do I feel that I need to be number 1? What the fuck is that???
And to cream your pudding, I think I deserve a lot of good things and often feel sorry for myself. I'm a fuckface.
But I do happen to sit and think of those dear to me (individualy) and admire them, I never think like that about myself - that is perhaps the only thing that comforts me when I worry about my selfish personality.
A possible revelation is that if I had a girlfriend I'd become arrogant as well and maybe girls recognise that and they don't want to corrupt me. Then again, I am a fuckin' small pimply bastard.
***NOTE: this entry does not relate to any one recent event, it is a general reflection that came together over the past week***
Talents aside, the attitude reflects in all aspects...if I'm a nice guy it's because I treat those I love the way I want to be treated. I want everyone to love me, it feels real selfish like. Though I have a heart and cry over just about any well executed emotional film, song or incident...if I think about it it's probably because I understand the beauty or pain within such things which again relates back to myself.
I'm a jealous motherfucker too, some of my friends pay less attention to me than I'd like them to - thinking about this almost makes me cry, I'm a fragile piece of work, I need looking after. That's not to say I'm not looked after, I am loved by my friends, I know that. It just troubles me they don't worry about things that I do sometimes and feeling left out sucks. Why do I feel that I need to be number 1? What the fuck is that???
And to cream your pudding, I think I deserve a lot of good things and often feel sorry for myself. I'm a fuckface.
But I do happen to sit and think of those dear to me (individualy) and admire them, I never think like that about myself - that is perhaps the only thing that comforts me when I worry about my selfish personality.
A possible revelation is that if I had a girlfriend I'd become arrogant as well and maybe girls recognise that and they don't want to corrupt me. Then again, I am a fuckin' small pimply bastard.
***NOTE: this entry does not relate to any one recent event, it is a general reflection that came together over the past week***