Progress and other crap
It's been hectic. I've been so busy trying to keep up with school work, projects, and personal reading that I've been using my spare time sleeping. It's non stop work. But two fridays ago I was able to go to the movies with friends. They acted really ghetto but it was fun because they brought 2 ginormous bags of chips, plastic cups, and a minute maid carton of limonade. We laughed our asses off at the movie Dance Flick. It was one of the stupidest movies I've ever watched but I enjoyed it.
But now its buckle down and work work work with hardly any decent sleep. I've been trying to change the voice in my head. What I mean is, when I think or do something, there's something in the back of my mind telling me I'm stupid, I'm not good enough, why bother?, I'm ugly inside and out. I've managed to limit the whole I'm-not-good-enough voice but the you're-ugly-and-deserve-to-be-alone voice still rages. I can't think sometimes. Last saturday I went to the mall with my mentor and it was torture, not because I do not enjoy her company, but because I felt so out of place and uncomfotable in my own skin. Normally I enjoy the mall, but that day it was so crowded with other teens (all of them taller and prettier and with more money). I wanted to leave but I didn't want to make it seem as though I didn't want to hang with her. Next time we go somewhere, I'm going back to globbing on make-up.
I have continued going to my psychologist. I'm not sure where my mom stands anymore on the whole "being against this nonsense" sort of thing. She did give me a book on depression and anxiety (which I assumed she was trying to be more understanding). But the other day, she brought up in a conversation that I enjoyed constantly hurting her by going to this man. Does she not understand that only a book will not help me as much as me also talking out my emotions? I can't seem to ever get that through her head because she doesn't want to hear it. Besides, I think this is one of the few choices in my life that I don't regret making because I feel its helping me. Plus I still need to work on not haboring my anger and feel as though I can make my own decisions. I'm so used to my parents making them for me that feel like I can't make my own choice without making the wrong one. So yes mother, I'm sorry but I need this. I think you're just angry because you know it too.
Last but not least, I've been shutting down like a laptop with a drained battery. On minute I'm sitting in class, the next my mind is in the bottom of a lake and my mood makes it feel as though there's weights on my back. On the bright side: I'm secretary of Christian Club for a second term.
SAT II's tomorrow. Damn.