(no subject)
I can't stop thinking...This isn't good. I also can't stay on one thought for very long, and I keep going back and forth between many different ones. I know I think about my relationships between me and Eddric and Zack and Sara and Dory and my three new friends here. I think about my classes and events I want to go to. I think about the play I'm going to see tomorrow night, and I think about my art. I think about my homework, and I think about going dancing. I think of all my friends back home, and I think about theater. I think about tutoring, and math and how I haven't had a math class in almost two years. I think about the fact that I'm still not fully better back to what I used to be, and that lots of other people are getting sick as well, but hopefully not with the same thing I had. I think that if I was to get hit in the stomach really hard and in the right spot, I could end up dying and would anyone notice at first, and then would they care. Would the come to the funeral, would I even have a funeral. I think of the pictures I never took, and the events I never went to. I think about the English elections and wonder if Tony Blair is still PM or if Gordon Brown took over yet. I wonder about my family, and about concerts I want to go to, but they are back home at Coors and on school-actual class-nights. I think about how I might end up being props mistress for the show to make up for the hours I can't work during the afternoons because of tutoring. I think about how I want to feel sexy, but I dont right now most of the time because I haven't been the gym in forever and am not allowed to go and do such a hard workout as I would like because a, I can't breathe too well still and b, because I have to be careful about my spleen. I think about how spleen is a funny word, and how my desk is still basically clean, which is amazing because I haven't used my desk back home for actual work since 6th grade. I think about my computer and how I can connect to people but still feel so alone at times. I think about sleeping, but then the dreams are just confusing and not what I want to think about. I think about life and love and emotions and music. I think of video games and how I want to play one because I haven't in a while. I think about how my hair is getting longer, but I dunno if I want to get it cut right now. I think about how I want to live in a place where there are actual seasons for once, where fall is actually fall and winter is COLD, even though I hate being cold. I think about how my music is loud enough to block out the TV that is on right now, yet I know it's too loud and I'm sure I'll blow my hearing. I think about how I want to talk to certain people, to have them ask me certain questions so I can give them answers that keep floating around in my head. I want to figure out a secret someone half told me that I have a feeling involves me, and he wants me to know it, but he won't tell me for fear of not liking my reaction to it, and I think about how hardly anyone has tried to make friends with me here, as I only have three and they aren't even full friends yet. I think about how I'm happy here, and that I'm not lonely without friends, but I am when I'm sometimes talking with old friends. I think that this is almost pointless, and that I'm listening to screaming people music which I usually don't listen to as it usually gives me a headache, but I am listening anyways. I think about the jokes I have between me and some friends and jokes that I'm not involved in, but overheard anyways. I think about my body, and how I don't feel it's as beautiful as people seem to think it is, and that I still can't see how some people think I have a great set of legs and a very nice ass. I think about the songs I keep listening to over and over again, because they are stuck with me and seem to fit so well to my life at times. I also think about the books and movies I want to read and watch that I can't because I don't have them here for some reason or another. I think about superheroes and how some are better than others because of shear dumb luck. But most of what I think of is how I can't stop thinking, and that when I get like this, I need an outlet, and lately, I haven't been finding the right one, and I can't stop no matter what I do.