My Oldest Friend
Sometimes I forget why I keep nocturnal hours. Why I loathe the daylight so much, and linger at night when I know that I should otherwise be alseep. And then I have nights like the last few this week. I begin to dislike myself again, to hate myself sometimes to a great degree. I wish to crawl somewhere and die . . .
But I don't. Instead I think - quietly I piece it all together like shattered glass. No pattern to work with like a puzzle, just a fractured spiderweb of clear crystal. It may take me some time to work it all out, to glue it all back together. But invariably I do. Mostly . . . I do it at night. In the dark, alone. Well not entirely alone. I always have my oldest friend.
I have the Night.
I walked tonight. Just for a short while. I didn't take my headphones or my Ipod. I didn't take all of my keys, my wallet, or my phone. Just the house key to let myself back in. I had no destination in mind. Why bother? All I wanted was the quiet. And out there in the Night I found it again, even if for just a short while. I'm always happiest at night you know. I see better in the dark than most people I know do in daylight. Bright light blinds me and direct sunlight makes me sick. Always has. But the Darkness doesn't bother anyone. All it does is fold itself around you, wrap itself like the arms of a lover around you. It beguiles sometimes, but then sometimes so do lovers. It will not judge like the harsh light of day. The Darkness softens, not glares. No one ever gets "Moonburn." Darkness soothes migranes, helps to heal damaged eyes. The Night can turn the most unassuming streetcorner into a place of mystery. And it can hide you when you want to just dissappear for a while. For the last few days I have wanted that very badly. So tonight I did.
I feel a bit better now. Maybe not as well as I should feel, but then who does?
But I don't. Instead I think - quietly I piece it all together like shattered glass. No pattern to work with like a puzzle, just a fractured spiderweb of clear crystal. It may take me some time to work it all out, to glue it all back together. But invariably I do. Mostly . . . I do it at night. In the dark, alone. Well not entirely alone. I always have my oldest friend.
I have the Night.
I walked tonight. Just for a short while. I didn't take my headphones or my Ipod. I didn't take all of my keys, my wallet, or my phone. Just the house key to let myself back in. I had no destination in mind. Why bother? All I wanted was the quiet. And out there in the Night I found it again, even if for just a short while. I'm always happiest at night you know. I see better in the dark than most people I know do in daylight. Bright light blinds me and direct sunlight makes me sick. Always has. But the Darkness doesn't bother anyone. All it does is fold itself around you, wrap itself like the arms of a lover around you. It beguiles sometimes, but then sometimes so do lovers. It will not judge like the harsh light of day. The Darkness softens, not glares. No one ever gets "Moonburn." Darkness soothes migranes, helps to heal damaged eyes. The Night can turn the most unassuming streetcorner into a place of mystery. And it can hide you when you want to just dissappear for a while. For the last few days I have wanted that very badly. So tonight I did.
I feel a bit better now. Maybe not as well as I should feel, but then who does?