#9: Searching...
I keep looking through craigslist, and across the internet for any sign of my lost possessions. I know on many levels this is futile. That it was just thrown out, and with total disregard.
i keep constantly coming across files and images of me in my various outfits and clothes... and it hurts... those things that i used to cherish so much.. then it just makes me think of all the other things i lost... like the pictures of my daughter and her mother... of friends long since put in the grave...
of items and other things i would have serve as reminders of my sanity... that without i find it harder to remain mentally stable...
That dark fissure reopening... and the death spilling out into my head.
I find myself thinking more like my old... counter-part. And his cold, soul-eating views... and I find that I'm ready to welcome them out. back into the world. That his powers... his abilities... are some that I need...
and that I don't want to be here anymore. He can have it. I don't like the people in this world. They're selfish creatures. Driven by lust and greed. Consumed by the desire to be loved by others... yet refuse to do any loving themselves. Even refusing to love themselves.
A world and society that drives to alienate its youth into hating themselves, just so they can shell out suffering for years until they learn to tolerate the monster they've become.
A world that as a whole refuses to acknowledge that it's created its own problems, and has railed them to the point of being unfixable. And seeks to destroy those with the vision and intent to correct these problems by completely circumventing the corrupt system, which would put them in position to wipe the board completely clean and allow us to start over....
Obama will be assassinated. He is far too much a probability of upsetting the status quo and allowing us to wipe clean the slate.
Which it won't. We would have to, as a world, kill anyone over the age of 35 in order to process a new system. There is too much greed and corruption in the power bases of the current one.
SEE... it's this logic that tells me i'm regressing into my old self.
That soon I truly will not care. Because the dams of power will be broken, and the Devil will be brought back into the world... And not anyone here is strong enough to do anything about it, but cower.
And I don't expect he'll be angry... I have adapted the persona of fire from him. He has always been the counter point. He will be cold. I care too much. He won't care at all. I have been trying to do good. He will seek to do evil.
And I'm resigned to this... because I just don't know what else to care about. i have nothing to care about. i have my friendships... and those are fragile... but they'll always be fragile... and i only have so much energy to exbound apon keeping them from breaking... somewhere something has to give....
I'm spending energy on trying to keep myself alive. I'm spending energy on not damaging my important relationships. and I'm running out of energy to spend on keeping Him away.
I'm not scared. I'm not even worried. Not about myself. He's GREAT at taking care of me. That's what he's for.
It's the rest of you I'm worried about...
when I was brought back from Death... i was... alone. I had no friends. I had no family... I had allies. And from those I built a new life... But this time... I've stretched too far.. too many people know who I am...
And it's not like he can change the way we look... it'll be a wider spread level of destruction...
That's why I'm contemplating leaving. That's why I think I should go to Alaska... where he can't do any harm. And maybe when I get back to myself.... I can come back to Seattle...
I dunno.. Cold, isolated, distant... these things sound like a better place to hide away in than a desert, or anywhere near my family, and loved ones he can hurt...
because if I'm stronger... so is he. And if I've tried so hard to be careful... He'll be even more reckless. At least in the harsh enviroment of the frozen tundra he has to be careful for his own sake. as there is no one out there to bash into the ground.
I fear the Apocolypse is near. And no amount of positive word, or speeches, or lectures are going to stop it. This kind of problem isn't something that's healed by medications. It's only covered up through extensive therapy... and that is a fragile thing...
And my shattered state... emotionally and externally... has made that patch job unstable. weak. and it's going to happen.
I've been certain of this since I woke up this morning and realized what was depressing me.
Oh well, it was fun... i guess.
**BAMFS**
i keep constantly coming across files and images of me in my various outfits and clothes... and it hurts... those things that i used to cherish so much.. then it just makes me think of all the other things i lost... like the pictures of my daughter and her mother... of friends long since put in the grave...
of items and other things i would have serve as reminders of my sanity... that without i find it harder to remain mentally stable...
That dark fissure reopening... and the death spilling out into my head.
I find myself thinking more like my old... counter-part. And his cold, soul-eating views... and I find that I'm ready to welcome them out. back into the world. That his powers... his abilities... are some that I need...
and that I don't want to be here anymore. He can have it. I don't like the people in this world. They're selfish creatures. Driven by lust and greed. Consumed by the desire to be loved by others... yet refuse to do any loving themselves. Even refusing to love themselves.
A world and society that drives to alienate its youth into hating themselves, just so they can shell out suffering for years until they learn to tolerate the monster they've become.
A world that as a whole refuses to acknowledge that it's created its own problems, and has railed them to the point of being unfixable. And seeks to destroy those with the vision and intent to correct these problems by completely circumventing the corrupt system, which would put them in position to wipe the board completely clean and allow us to start over....
Obama will be assassinated. He is far too much a probability of upsetting the status quo and allowing us to wipe clean the slate.
Which it won't. We would have to, as a world, kill anyone over the age of 35 in order to process a new system. There is too much greed and corruption in the power bases of the current one.
SEE... it's this logic that tells me i'm regressing into my old self.
That soon I truly will not care. Because the dams of power will be broken, and the Devil will be brought back into the world... And not anyone here is strong enough to do anything about it, but cower.
And I don't expect he'll be angry... I have adapted the persona of fire from him. He has always been the counter point. He will be cold. I care too much. He won't care at all. I have been trying to do good. He will seek to do evil.
And I'm resigned to this... because I just don't know what else to care about. i have nothing to care about. i have my friendships... and those are fragile... but they'll always be fragile... and i only have so much energy to exbound apon keeping them from breaking... somewhere something has to give....
I'm spending energy on trying to keep myself alive. I'm spending energy on not damaging my important relationships. and I'm running out of energy to spend on keeping Him away.
I'm not scared. I'm not even worried. Not about myself. He's GREAT at taking care of me. That's what he's for.
It's the rest of you I'm worried about...
when I was brought back from Death... i was... alone. I had no friends. I had no family... I had allies. And from those I built a new life... But this time... I've stretched too far.. too many people know who I am...
And it's not like he can change the way we look... it'll be a wider spread level of destruction...
That's why I'm contemplating leaving. That's why I think I should go to Alaska... where he can't do any harm. And maybe when I get back to myself.... I can come back to Seattle...
I dunno.. Cold, isolated, distant... these things sound like a better place to hide away in than a desert, or anywhere near my family, and loved ones he can hurt...
because if I'm stronger... so is he. And if I've tried so hard to be careful... He'll be even more reckless. At least in the harsh enviroment of the frozen tundra he has to be careful for his own sake. as there is no one out there to bash into the ground.
I fear the Apocolypse is near. And no amount of positive word, or speeches, or lectures are going to stop it. This kind of problem isn't something that's healed by medications. It's only covered up through extensive therapy... and that is a fragile thing...
And my shattered state... emotionally and externally... has made that patch job unstable. weak. and it's going to happen.
I've been certain of this since I woke up this morning and realized what was depressing me.
Oh well, it was fun... i guess.
**BAMFS**