(no subject)
Well my little brother is now officially a run away.. Who knows if he's alive or dead..
And I have to deal with this.. Mom is upset..
I share my opinions.. But I guess I should just keep them to myself..
My friend Patrick is like pleading for my forgivness, on how he treated me the other night...
Jonny pretty much had shown me what an idiot a man can be.. Yet again.. My illness makes a man go some place else.. He has the patiance of I dunno... A starving wolf that has a free steakl hanging in front of it..
There are two people in my life, that I want to be with...I won't state names.. They know who they are. And they also know of eachother...
i don't feel as if I am useful to anything anymore... The art therapist cut me down.. For not doing enough art.. Wtf. I do art.. It's called I don't doddle shapes and colors all day long. I actually like having organized looking art... Jeez.. Kitty is still in the hospital.. As am I..
It's odd. Not one person has sent flowers.. I am usually bombed with them by now.. But nope.. Not one flower...
So who knows which way my life is going anymore.. Or where my family stands..
I just wish I could be at peace... I don
t want to die... But I also don't want to suffer anymore. Everyone tries to cheer me up online.. And it works at times.. But it is impossible to hold a high status of yourself.. When you stare at the same ceiling and look into the mirror everyday and see your roots growing in longer and longer..
I broke out a while ago on my face... It's healing now.. My lip had cold sores.. They are back already.. Just proves I am under nothing but stress...
I stare at my life sized german sheperd I bought myself from the giftshop after my surgery.. I actually got myself something other than art prints..
Noone has the time to visit.. Or the money.. And it's getting harder and harder to prove to my doc I have support.. He is just not aware I guess... I think today I might buy a puppy stuffed animal (Husky or malamute)... Im getting lonely.. No pets make me very sad...
My ferret has been with my mom's friend's daughter.. She has 3 other ferrets.. So I know my ferret is not going to like coming home when i actually do come home... And I know my mother hates my ferret.. So I was thinking of her feelings.. And just let the girl ferretsit I guess... I might have my mom give my fish away...
My chinchilla is going to trikkeh.. I love my ferret so much.. But my mom hates him.. And alwasy complains he stinks and such.. So I may end up petless.. Which is better I guess.. Knowing my luck, I'd get a dog, and it would end up being a bad match...
So I am just losing things one by one.. Friends.. My life... Pets.. My sanity, and happy memories..
So I know when I come home and bring the ferret home.. He wont be happy... And it hurts so bad to know that.. So he'll end up going to either George, or Ariel.. He makes me so happy.. Bu I am thinking of others here.. My mom hates him and my friends love him. And I am never home. Always here in "Club Med"....
Going home soon is not anywhere near the sites of my docs... So i am here... Bored as fuck.. Slowly wasting away to nothingness..
What can I get that will keep me company and happy? And not have everyone be all upset about caring for them whilst I am here... Nothing... Maybe a pet rock.
Nothing seems to be falling into place anymore... Everything is scattered about.. My mom is stressing.. And I can't do anything about it.. My opinions are wrong.. And in many ways dumb I guess... Umm.. Ya.
Did I mention I feel useless?? Er... Ya
I'll never get proper respect from men... And there is someone I want to be with.. But I have this horrible heart wrenching feeling it won't happen....
I sit here and wonder if I will live to see my 21st birthday.. You know that day where I should be running around like an idiot with alcohol... I may be dead.. Or in a hospital.. I'll run around like an idiot in slow mo with apple juice...
I hope when they find my brother, that he's thrown into lock up.. For a long time... But I am going to go get ready to waunder the hospital with my child life specialist to take pics and such... Windsor is staring at me.. (german sheperd plush).. But.. That is all he really does... He's easy tp care for.. Honestly.. He is..
I can
t stop scatching all over.. Im even clawing my face.. Im just beyond stress... I feel rejected by society.. I feel as I am a lepper.. I have no luck lately.. I hope I get new lungs..
But off I go to get ready.. Be back later sometime...
And I have to deal with this.. Mom is upset..
I share my opinions.. But I guess I should just keep them to myself..
My friend Patrick is like pleading for my forgivness, on how he treated me the other night...
Jonny pretty much had shown me what an idiot a man can be.. Yet again.. My illness makes a man go some place else.. He has the patiance of I dunno... A starving wolf that has a free steakl hanging in front of it..
There are two people in my life, that I want to be with...I won't state names.. They know who they are. And they also know of eachother...
i don't feel as if I am useful to anything anymore... The art therapist cut me down.. For not doing enough art.. Wtf. I do art.. It's called I don't doddle shapes and colors all day long. I actually like having organized looking art... Jeez.. Kitty is still in the hospital.. As am I..
It's odd. Not one person has sent flowers.. I am usually bombed with them by now.. But nope.. Not one flower...
So who knows which way my life is going anymore.. Or where my family stands..
I just wish I could be at peace... I don
t want to die... But I also don't want to suffer anymore. Everyone tries to cheer me up online.. And it works at times.. But it is impossible to hold a high status of yourself.. When you stare at the same ceiling and look into the mirror everyday and see your roots growing in longer and longer..
I broke out a while ago on my face... It's healing now.. My lip had cold sores.. They are back already.. Just proves I am under nothing but stress...
I stare at my life sized german sheperd I bought myself from the giftshop after my surgery.. I actually got myself something other than art prints..
Noone has the time to visit.. Or the money.. And it's getting harder and harder to prove to my doc I have support.. He is just not aware I guess... I think today I might buy a puppy stuffed animal (Husky or malamute)... Im getting lonely.. No pets make me very sad...
My ferret has been with my mom's friend's daughter.. She has 3 other ferrets.. So I know my ferret is not going to like coming home when i actually do come home... And I know my mother hates my ferret.. So I was thinking of her feelings.. And just let the girl ferretsit I guess... I might have my mom give my fish away...
My chinchilla is going to trikkeh.. I love my ferret so much.. But my mom hates him.. And alwasy complains he stinks and such.. So I may end up petless.. Which is better I guess.. Knowing my luck, I'd get a dog, and it would end up being a bad match...
So I am just losing things one by one.. Friends.. My life... Pets.. My sanity, and happy memories..
So I know when I come home and bring the ferret home.. He wont be happy... And it hurts so bad to know that.. So he'll end up going to either George, or Ariel.. He makes me so happy.. Bu I am thinking of others here.. My mom hates him and my friends love him. And I am never home. Always here in "Club Med"....
Going home soon is not anywhere near the sites of my docs... So i am here... Bored as fuck.. Slowly wasting away to nothingness..
What can I get that will keep me company and happy? And not have everyone be all upset about caring for them whilst I am here... Nothing... Maybe a pet rock.
Nothing seems to be falling into place anymore... Everything is scattered about.. My mom is stressing.. And I can't do anything about it.. My opinions are wrong.. And in many ways dumb I guess... Umm.. Ya.
Did I mention I feel useless?? Er... Ya
I'll never get proper respect from men... And there is someone I want to be with.. But I have this horrible heart wrenching feeling it won't happen....
I sit here and wonder if I will live to see my 21st birthday.. You know that day where I should be running around like an idiot with alcohol... I may be dead.. Or in a hospital.. I'll run around like an idiot in slow mo with apple juice...
I hope when they find my brother, that he's thrown into lock up.. For a long time... But I am going to go get ready to waunder the hospital with my child life specialist to take pics and such... Windsor is staring at me.. (german sheperd plush).. But.. That is all he really does... He's easy tp care for.. Honestly.. He is..
I can
t stop scatching all over.. Im even clawing my face.. Im just beyond stress... I feel rejected by society.. I feel as I am a lepper.. I have no luck lately.. I hope I get new lungs..
But off I go to get ready.. Be back later sometime...