Aziraphale's Guest Room: Wednesday AM [12-12-07]

[dark_innocence]

Lana wasn't sleeping, hadn't dared sleep since she'd had the nightmare. She was just curled up in bed, staring at the wall, a cup of tea long since gone cold on the bedside table beside her. If she got up right now she could make the first ferry and go

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[ditheringangel]

Now that Lana had been staying with him for several days, Aziraphale thought that it was time to see about getting her beyond the point where she felt the need to hide from the rest of the world.

So up the stairs he went, carrying a breakfast tray with tea and toast on it. He gave a little tap on the door, and quietly said her name so that Lana wouldn't be surprised by him, and then pushed the door slowly open.

"Miss Lang? You ought to eat a little something."

[dark_innocence]

Lana turned and looked at him a bit blankly as if she wasn't quite sure who he was for a moment. "Mr. Phale," she said quietly, making her sit up and pulling the covers up around her as if unwilling to leave her hiding spot. "Thank you."

But she made no movement towards the tray.

[ditheringangel]

That sort of body language wasn't very encouraging. Aziraphale frowned a little and set the tray on the nightstand, then waved a hand at the edge of Lana's bed to ask permission to sit down.

"My dear, I'm beginning to worry about you. You can't hide away here forever, and you shouldn't. Your friends are concerned for you."

[dark_innocence]

Lana tucked her knees up to give him space to sit down. "They wouldn't care about me if they knew what I'd done," she said dully.

[ditheringangel]

"Oh, I suspect they'd care about you no matter what you may have done," Aziraphale assured her gently, as he perched on the edge of the bed. "Think about what you would do, if the situation were reversed, and you traded places with Phoebe or Marie? You'd still care about them, wouldn't you? And worry about them?"

[dark_innocence]

She shrugged, looking small and scared. "Maybe... maybe I don't care."

[ditheringangel]

She really was deeply troubled by what had happened, Aziraphale realized, and his brow creased with worry.

"Oh, child...we would all still love you no matter what. But you have to let it go, or you'll fret yourself sick."

[dark_innocence]

"Maybe I'm mad at people too," she admitted, looking up as if she expected him to be angry at her words. "Really angry. Even though I know it's really all my fault."

[ditheringangel]

Aziraphale wasn't upset at all, and just nodded at Lana's assertion. "Do you want to tell me what's made you angry?"

[dark_innocence]

"Dean... he said this was all a mistake. That he was only with me because it bothered me that he was sleeping with other people. So it wasn't because he cared. It was just that other people guilted him into doing it. And if they hadn't - if Marie and Sam and you and Dr. Wilson hadn't, then he never would have asked me to be together and this wouldn't have happened. And everyone who told me this would be different and I should admit how I felt even though I knew, I knew, he really didn't want to - I let them convince me

[ditheringangel]

Shaking his head, Aziraphale said softly, "I don't think I have answers for any of those things, my dear. I truly do believe that you and Deputy Winchester had feelings for one another. But sometimes...that isn't enough."

A sad look crossed his face for a moment, but then he smiled wryly. "I think it's possible for two people to genuinely care about one another, and for them to also be simply not meant to be together. And perhaps that's what has happened here. As for Mr Ellison...I can't speak for what was in his mind, but I do know how he used to feel about you. And perhaps those feelings played a part in his decision. Perhaps your own feelings played a part as well, even if you don't now remember clearly. But Miss Lang, don't wish yourself out of existence. There's too much joy to be had in your life to want to end it because of the sorrow."

[dark_innocence]

"My life..." she shook her head. "All I do is hurt people. I hurt so many people. And the moments of happiness don't seem worth the rest of the pain. I honestly wished Dean would hit me rather than say the things he did. And I wonder... if wonder if maybe I should go back. I think maybe I deserve to be with Lex, no matter how bad it is, maybe I deserve the bad things."

"But I don't think I'm strong enough to go back and do that. I just - I feel so angry and guilty and guilty that I'm angry and I love Dean and he hates me and it hurts so much and just... everything. I can't stop it and I think maybe the only way to stop it is to just... stop."

[ditheringangel]

"Don't even think such a thing, Miss Lang." Aziraphale's tone was gentle, but held a subtle note of scolding. He was really beginning to worry now, because it didn't seem that simply giving advice was going to help Lana at all.

"What you need..." he said slowly. "I think is perhaps a chance to distance yourself a little bit from this...whirlpool of guilt and anger. Because I believe that deep down, you know Dean doesn't hate you, and you know that running away from your life here isn't the answer. And I can help you with that, but...you need to want me to."

[dark_innocence]

She nodded. "You'll help me get away? Tell me where to go? I've tried and tried, but I can't think what to do."

[ditheringangel]

"Oh dear. No, I didn't mean that." Aziraphale sighed and rubbed his face. "I mean, Miss Lang, that yes...if you truly decide that leaving here is your only choice, then I'll help you as much as I can. But I didn't mean a physical distance, but a mental one. The sort of distance that time puts between you and a bad memory. We've, er...done it once before, if you'll recall."

[dark_innocence]

"I don't want to go," she whispered. "I just don't feel like I deserve to stay."

She swallowed hard. "If you can help me again, the way you did when I was abducted. Yes, I'd like that very much. Not to make it go away, just to let me... not wish I was dead all the time."