Sober, Not Somber
Hello again to my friends, admirers, and loved ones. I apologize to you all for writing so infrequently, but I report with some enthusiasm that the time is ripe for me to punch the keys once again. My will permitting, you may see more frequent updates from me in the future.
Whether as a result of the economic downturn, because of my own actions, or out of sheer happenstance, life has become even more challenging lately:
As I've probably already explained to most of you, I went without a job last May, due mostly to my own dislike for the circumstances surrounding my job and my desire to find something greater. I spent several months enjoying my free time and the plans and aspirations I had set for the summer: a family gathering in Gatlinburg, Bonnaroo, and other events that I can't recall. As the list of activities wound down in August or September, I began pursuing part-time employment once again... and the hunt, which persists to this day, has left a vile taste in my mouth and a gaping hole in my wallet. It just so happens that I started the search around the time that global financial stability crashed, and no matter how desperately I look around or how much I sweet-talk managers, the pursuit shows no signs of luck. I can't even decide which is worse: the near-total lack of jobs I can accommodate, or the several false leads I've been given. My aspirations to find my own car, upgrade some computer hardware, save, and invest in other things are continually postponed. I don't like it one bit, but I do what I can. With a little help and some careful planning, I'm getting by in the meantime.
The financial situation is funny in a grim sort of way, given that I was pulling through with incredible luck this time two years ago. Between college scholarships and social security, I had literally thousands of dollars at my disposal. All of it vanished in the span of a year, and naturally, many of my current issues sprouted almost immediately after I started scouring dirt for coins. I think to myself so often, if only I had saved some money for times like these... though all I've learned about money management doesn't amount to much when I have no money to manage! Really, though, what can I do at the moment other than laugh it off? I'm at least fortunate that I have no pressing debt, only the need to spend and spend wisely.
On a different note, I remain with my hetero life mate Brian after a staggering two and a half years. We fled from our hovel at UT Martin back in '07, and I stayed a few nights with him afterward... and a few nights turned into life since then. We have our occasional clashes, and his parents are probably very curious when I plan to finally take flight, but everything has been swell enough. I reside here out of convenience and a love for my friends, and I'm mostly able to fend for myself. What worries me about all this is that Brian's father's work opportunities have dried up considerably, so much that I fear for my future here and the family's future both. I don't think they'll have to resort to anything drastic, but I'm keeping an eye out regardless. Ernie (the dad) is generally a cautiously optimistic man, and I don't doubt his ability to pull through, so things will likely pan out. In the meantime, I continue to push forward with my own aspirations. I hope to shake up living arrangements for myself within the next year, but I don't want to step out too soon either. I'll do what I can here for now.
My current scholastic endeavors are going... somewhere. I'm in my fifth trimester at the Tennessee Technology Center of Hohenwald, studying what they like to call Computer Information Technology. Basically, I'm gearing up to tackle nearly every facet of network support maintenance. I feel that I have some catching up to do, however. My grades have been well above sufficient since I started attending in September '07, but my actual progress has been hampered by my own poor pacing. We don't tear through assignments up to the day they say we're fit to graduate - basically, the course is a comprehensive (well, arguably) review of certain fields and certifications. We aren't certified to do anything by a menacing class-inclusive final test; instead, we take certification exams administered by an outside source so that it can be determined whether or not we're suited for work in the field. I have been a bit slow in obtaining these certifications, though to be fair to myself, I will say that most of my peers have been progressing at the same pace or even slower. I did finally obtain my Network+ certification, however! The achievement was made about a year later than it could have been, but that I secured it at all is a comforting testament to my ability to do something. I am pleased with that much. If I can secure about four more certifications, I'll be eligible to actually graduate the class and I'll be prepared to find a respectable job. All that really troubles me other than my slow launch is my funding for the classes; I may be mistaken, but I believe my grant runs dry as of next trimester. I'm not entirely sure what I'm talking about, granted, but if that's the case then I may have to resort to studying on my own time and my own terms after April. I'll try and see to it that everything works out well.
I've nearly run out of matters to discuss for now - much to your relief, I'm sure - but I would like to cover a recent development that troubles me. Perhaps it's not so much a development as it is a realization... when it comes to conflict resolution, I have a split personality. Perhaps I have no “split personality” in the medical sense, but my actions and reactions fluctuate wildly based on seemingly indeterminate factors. When a conflict or crisis arises, I'm often hot-headed and contemptuous. I'm almost completely blind to my own faults and overly scathing of the opposition I face. Several people are like this, I know. Several people remain this way or choose to drop the subject and avoid approaching it again. I often find myself pondering and working on these issues for days or weeks at a time, since I can't stand to let anything escape unresolved. I analyze what I've done and why others may act the way they do, and I try to make amends and handle the dilemma calmly. I try for a while, at least. With no consistency or reason, I often turn enraged and spiteful all over again, making unreasonable demands and telling myself that I haven't stood my ground strongly enough. Following that, I may play nice once again, and before long I find myself in a struggle with myself to determine how I should approach the problems at hand. This has been an issue for quite some time, but only lately have I contemplated it in depth. Said contemplation can be attributed to my recent experiences with someone I care for very deeply. I want so much to overcome this, I'm hellbent on doing so, bound and determined to stay level-headed as much as I can. I worry that my efforts may have come too late, but I will strive to better myself no matter what.
Don't assume that all is doom and gloom, that I think I'm trapped in a hole I'll never escape from. That's far from the truth these days. Sure, I'm still a cynic - my mantra remains “hope for the best and prepare for the worst!” - but my outlook is much more realistic now, and I mean that in the best way possible. I can't be troubled forever. It may take much longer than I'd like for everything to improve, but I've found that surrendering only hinders my situations, never helps. Here's to keeping my chin up and working to improve my life, slowly or not.
Whether as a result of the economic downturn, because of my own actions, or out of sheer happenstance, life has become even more challenging lately:
As I've probably already explained to most of you, I went without a job last May, due mostly to my own dislike for the circumstances surrounding my job and my desire to find something greater. I spent several months enjoying my free time and the plans and aspirations I had set for the summer: a family gathering in Gatlinburg, Bonnaroo, and other events that I can't recall. As the list of activities wound down in August or September, I began pursuing part-time employment once again... and the hunt, which persists to this day, has left a vile taste in my mouth and a gaping hole in my wallet. It just so happens that I started the search around the time that global financial stability crashed, and no matter how desperately I look around or how much I sweet-talk managers, the pursuit shows no signs of luck. I can't even decide which is worse: the near-total lack of jobs I can accommodate, or the several false leads I've been given. My aspirations to find my own car, upgrade some computer hardware, save, and invest in other things are continually postponed. I don't like it one bit, but I do what I can. With a little help and some careful planning, I'm getting by in the meantime.
The financial situation is funny in a grim sort of way, given that I was pulling through with incredible luck this time two years ago. Between college scholarships and social security, I had literally thousands of dollars at my disposal. All of it vanished in the span of a year, and naturally, many of my current issues sprouted almost immediately after I started scouring dirt for coins. I think to myself so often, if only I had saved some money for times like these... though all I've learned about money management doesn't amount to much when I have no money to manage! Really, though, what can I do at the moment other than laugh it off? I'm at least fortunate that I have no pressing debt, only the need to spend and spend wisely.
On a different note, I remain with my hetero life mate Brian after a staggering two and a half years. We fled from our hovel at UT Martin back in '07, and I stayed a few nights with him afterward... and a few nights turned into life since then. We have our occasional clashes, and his parents are probably very curious when I plan to finally take flight, but everything has been swell enough. I reside here out of convenience and a love for my friends, and I'm mostly able to fend for myself. What worries me about all this is that Brian's father's work opportunities have dried up considerably, so much that I fear for my future here and the family's future both. I don't think they'll have to resort to anything drastic, but I'm keeping an eye out regardless. Ernie (the dad) is generally a cautiously optimistic man, and I don't doubt his ability to pull through, so things will likely pan out. In the meantime, I continue to push forward with my own aspirations. I hope to shake up living arrangements for myself within the next year, but I don't want to step out too soon either. I'll do what I can here for now.
My current scholastic endeavors are going... somewhere. I'm in my fifth trimester at the Tennessee Technology Center of Hohenwald, studying what they like to call Computer Information Technology. Basically, I'm gearing up to tackle nearly every facet of network support maintenance. I feel that I have some catching up to do, however. My grades have been well above sufficient since I started attending in September '07, but my actual progress has been hampered by my own poor pacing. We don't tear through assignments up to the day they say we're fit to graduate - basically, the course is a comprehensive (well, arguably) review of certain fields and certifications. We aren't certified to do anything by a menacing class-inclusive final test; instead, we take certification exams administered by an outside source so that it can be determined whether or not we're suited for work in the field. I have been a bit slow in obtaining these certifications, though to be fair to myself, I will say that most of my peers have been progressing at the same pace or even slower. I did finally obtain my Network+ certification, however! The achievement was made about a year later than it could have been, but that I secured it at all is a comforting testament to my ability to do something. I am pleased with that much. If I can secure about four more certifications, I'll be eligible to actually graduate the class and I'll be prepared to find a respectable job. All that really troubles me other than my slow launch is my funding for the classes; I may be mistaken, but I believe my grant runs dry as of next trimester. I'm not entirely sure what I'm talking about, granted, but if that's the case then I may have to resort to studying on my own time and my own terms after April. I'll try and see to it that everything works out well.
I've nearly run out of matters to discuss for now - much to your relief, I'm sure - but I would like to cover a recent development that troubles me. Perhaps it's not so much a development as it is a realization... when it comes to conflict resolution, I have a split personality. Perhaps I have no “split personality” in the medical sense, but my actions and reactions fluctuate wildly based on seemingly indeterminate factors. When a conflict or crisis arises, I'm often hot-headed and contemptuous. I'm almost completely blind to my own faults and overly scathing of the opposition I face. Several people are like this, I know. Several people remain this way or choose to drop the subject and avoid approaching it again. I often find myself pondering and working on these issues for days or weeks at a time, since I can't stand to let anything escape unresolved. I analyze what I've done and why others may act the way they do, and I try to make amends and handle the dilemma calmly. I try for a while, at least. With no consistency or reason, I often turn enraged and spiteful all over again, making unreasonable demands and telling myself that I haven't stood my ground strongly enough. Following that, I may play nice once again, and before long I find myself in a struggle with myself to determine how I should approach the problems at hand. This has been an issue for quite some time, but only lately have I contemplated it in depth. Said contemplation can be attributed to my recent experiences with someone I care for very deeply. I want so much to overcome this, I'm hellbent on doing so, bound and determined to stay level-headed as much as I can. I worry that my efforts may have come too late, but I will strive to better myself no matter what.
Don't assume that all is doom and gloom, that I think I'm trapped in a hole I'll never escape from. That's far from the truth these days. Sure, I'm still a cynic - my mantra remains “hope for the best and prepare for the worst!” - but my outlook is much more realistic now, and I mean that in the best way possible. I can't be troubled forever. It may take much longer than I'd like for everything to improve, but I've found that surrendering only hinders my situations, never helps. Here's to keeping my chin up and working to improve my life, slowly or not.