I did wrong by Caven
Terribly. I couldn't have known, but that's not an excuse. I asked so many people for their help and input and opinions. Because after having tried everything, after having trained for weeks, Caven still wouldn't let me mount him without making a fuss. But in the end, there was no progress. Not even with the help of my trainer, who claimed this problem to be a simple case of disobedience (which affected ME badly, more on that later).
When you ask so many people for their opinions you end up with a huge collection of wild theories. And I'm not blaming anyone. Everyone tried to help, we all tried to find out what's wrong and figure out how to fix it.
Through a kind of trail and error we know a few things for sure:
Caven is afraid of men. Especially when they're behind him or at his side. (He is incredibly wary of my boss, watching his every move, never turning his back on him, not letting himself be touched by him, and not even taking food from him!) One day my boss attempted to adjust the rug that hang a little low to one side of Caven's hind, but when he reached out to get a hold of the rug Caven panicked and almost kicked him...
Caven is wary of everything that's going on near his hind. So much in fact, that in the first few days he barely let us groom him properly. He didn't want me to lift or even touch his hind legs so I could clean his hooves, and we had to teach him that like it was something he learned for the first time. I couldn't brush his tail without him trying to pull away. He was scared. He was afraid something bad would happen, that would hurt him.
We do think that he was being hit by his previous owner, who was a man, or at least made some kind of bad experience of that kind...
Accordingly, everyone thought the cause for the mounting-problem had to be something similar. Now, the first thing you always think of when having problems like this is either an unfitting saddle or your horse having backpains. But since our saddle had been adjusted by a saddler to fit Caven's back exactly, the saddle couldn't be it. Caven shouldn't have had back problems either, since he had been checked thoroughly by a vet just weeks before. So it had to be something else.
Caven was afraid, had made a bad experience, had never been trained correctly, or was simply misbehaving. So he needed time and patience, to relearn the process or to learn it from scratch (we tried both), proper training to slowly help him overcome his apparent fears, or he just needed to be put into his place, to be disciplined, so he would eventually behave.
Last week it had gotten so bad that I hadn't been able to mount him at all. He wouldn't let me. I gave up. Two days later I asked my trainer for help. I showed her what it looked like when I tried to mount Caven, and she was certain Caven was being purely disobedient. Apparently, he had no respect for me whatsoever and he was just making fun of me. And the problem (apparently) was, I let him.
The training session we had on that day, was truly awful. She hurt Caven by pulling on the reins hard, in order to "put him into his place". She said awful things that made me doubt myself enough to think about giving up...
"Caven doesn't respect you at all. He doesn't feel safe with someone like you taking the lead. He questions your leadership qualities. He doubts you."
Normally, this isn't such an awful thing to say to somebody. A horse can do that. And a skilled rider can figure it out. The thing is, I'm not such a skilled rider, and what my trainer said affected me on a totally different level.
I doubt myself. I can't have my horse doubt me, too. I can't. I know I'm not the best rider out there, and I don't aim to be. That is not the point at all. At that level, it's not even about riding. I ride well enough. Acceptable at least. And this is what I thought Caven had given me. Acceptance.
This is why I ride horses. It's why I am around horses more than I am around people. Because I feel completely accepted. Encouraged. Capable. Strong. Horses never lie. They give you back exactly what you give them.
It's true that the relationship between Caven and me is a little difficult. I never really put my trust in him because of all the little incidents we had, he never made me feel as safe as Grenny did. But the truth is, he can't. How's he supposed to do that at his age with his inexperience and insecurities?
Grenny had his problems, but I trusted Grenny with my life. Literally. I never once doubted him, and I got that in return. He never doubted me. He relied on me, and I on him.
Caven and I, we are not there yet. We both have a hard time trusting each other, but we are both trying. No matter what he does, he tries, I can see that. But to say that he doubts me... I didn't take that well at all. I can't. I doubt myself enough, I think everyone else doubts me too, so the only thing I could always 100%ly rely on was that my horse trusts me, has faith in me, and that alone gave me confidence.
After what my trainer said, I started to doubt everything. I even thought about selling Caven, because I obviously wasn't a good enough rider/owner/person to handle him...
That's what words can do. And they weren't even meant like that. I know. It's what I make of it. Because I take it all too personally. But riding is very personal for me, and I can't help it. Stuff like this happens.
I thought about it a lot. What my trainer said about Caven misbehaving, being disrespectful. About me having to be more strict with him. And I wondered what that meant for us. Because I sure as hell would never ever hurt him deliberately in any way, shape or form. It's never gonna happen. And I hated it when she pulled on his reins to get him to "behave". (And I might have to rethink my decision to have her as my trainer...)
Long story short: I came to the conclusion that this couldn't be the answer. I refuse to hurt my horse, no matter what. Giving up, not an option, either. Selling Caven, definitely not an option. So? Back to the start.
This week I had the saddle double checked to make absolutely sure it fits perfectly. It does. Not the problem.
Today we had a physiotherapist check on Caven's back and she found several severe blockades in his backbone and muscles, that cause him a lot of pain... That's it. This. This is the reason why he didn't want me to climb on his back. Because he was in pain, and has been for a long time, according to the therapist.
Looks like we were sold a horse that had been ridden with an unfitting saddle for MONTHS. No wonder he didn't want to take it anymore. The fact that our saddle fit, didn't help, of course. He was in pain. All this while.
Why the vet never saw this is beyond me. I'm so angry. At that vet, at the dealer, at the previous owner who did this to Caven... At what I did to Caven... I rode him, even though he was in pain. I didn't know, but that doesn't make it any better. I feel awful.
The therapist treated Caven (as best as she could, because he wouldn't let himself be touched at his hindlegs) and showed me how I can massage his back in the next couple of days. I can't ride him for a week, and frankly, that is more than fine with me. She said it would take a few weeks for the blockades to disappear completely and she's gonna come back to treat him a second time, to make sure he is absolutely fine.
I'm glad we had her check on Caven. I would've had another lesson with my trainer this Saturday and we would've hurt him...
I feel incredibly guilty. I hope Caven will be able to forgive me. I hope he will get better soon. That's the only thing that matters now.
Caven is enjoying the hell out of the back massages I give him every day. Well-deserved.
When you ask so many people for their opinions you end up with a huge collection of wild theories. And I'm not blaming anyone. Everyone tried to help, we all tried to find out what's wrong and figure out how to fix it.
Through a kind of trail and error we know a few things for sure:
Caven is afraid of men. Especially when they're behind him or at his side. (He is incredibly wary of my boss, watching his every move, never turning his back on him, not letting himself be touched by him, and not even taking food from him!) One day my boss attempted to adjust the rug that hang a little low to one side of Caven's hind, but when he reached out to get a hold of the rug Caven panicked and almost kicked him...
Caven is wary of everything that's going on near his hind. So much in fact, that in the first few days he barely let us groom him properly. He didn't want me to lift or even touch his hind legs so I could clean his hooves, and we had to teach him that like it was something he learned for the first time. I couldn't brush his tail without him trying to pull away. He was scared. He was afraid something bad would happen, that would hurt him.
We do think that he was being hit by his previous owner, who was a man, or at least made some kind of bad experience of that kind...
Accordingly, everyone thought the cause for the mounting-problem had to be something similar. Now, the first thing you always think of when having problems like this is either an unfitting saddle or your horse having backpains. But since our saddle had been adjusted by a saddler to fit Caven's back exactly, the saddle couldn't be it. Caven shouldn't have had back problems either, since he had been checked thoroughly by a vet just weeks before. So it had to be something else.
Caven was afraid, had made a bad experience, had never been trained correctly, or was simply misbehaving. So he needed time and patience, to relearn the process or to learn it from scratch (we tried both), proper training to slowly help him overcome his apparent fears, or he just needed to be put into his place, to be disciplined, so he would eventually behave.
Last week it had gotten so bad that I hadn't been able to mount him at all. He wouldn't let me. I gave up. Two days later I asked my trainer for help. I showed her what it looked like when I tried to mount Caven, and she was certain Caven was being purely disobedient. Apparently, he had no respect for me whatsoever and he was just making fun of me. And the problem (apparently) was, I let him.
The training session we had on that day, was truly awful. She hurt Caven by pulling on the reins hard, in order to "put him into his place". She said awful things that made me doubt myself enough to think about giving up...
"Caven doesn't respect you at all. He doesn't feel safe with someone like you taking the lead. He questions your leadership qualities. He doubts you."
Normally, this isn't such an awful thing to say to somebody. A horse can do that. And a skilled rider can figure it out. The thing is, I'm not such a skilled rider, and what my trainer said affected me on a totally different level.
I doubt myself. I can't have my horse doubt me, too. I can't. I know I'm not the best rider out there, and I don't aim to be. That is not the point at all. At that level, it's not even about riding. I ride well enough. Acceptable at least. And this is what I thought Caven had given me. Acceptance.
This is why I ride horses. It's why I am around horses more than I am around people. Because I feel completely accepted. Encouraged. Capable. Strong. Horses never lie. They give you back exactly what you give them.
It's true that the relationship between Caven and me is a little difficult. I never really put my trust in him because of all the little incidents we had, he never made me feel as safe as Grenny did. But the truth is, he can't. How's he supposed to do that at his age with his inexperience and insecurities?
Grenny had his problems, but I trusted Grenny with my life. Literally. I never once doubted him, and I got that in return. He never doubted me. He relied on me, and I on him.
Caven and I, we are not there yet. We both have a hard time trusting each other, but we are both trying. No matter what he does, he tries, I can see that. But to say that he doubts me... I didn't take that well at all. I can't. I doubt myself enough, I think everyone else doubts me too, so the only thing I could always 100%ly rely on was that my horse trusts me, has faith in me, and that alone gave me confidence.
After what my trainer said, I started to doubt everything. I even thought about selling Caven, because I obviously wasn't a good enough rider/owner/person to handle him...
That's what words can do. And they weren't even meant like that. I know. It's what I make of it. Because I take it all too personally. But riding is very personal for me, and I can't help it. Stuff like this happens.
I thought about it a lot. What my trainer said about Caven misbehaving, being disrespectful. About me having to be more strict with him. And I wondered what that meant for us. Because I sure as hell would never ever hurt him deliberately in any way, shape or form. It's never gonna happen. And I hated it when she pulled on his reins to get him to "behave". (And I might have to rethink my decision to have her as my trainer...)
Long story short: I came to the conclusion that this couldn't be the answer. I refuse to hurt my horse, no matter what. Giving up, not an option, either. Selling Caven, definitely not an option. So? Back to the start.
This week I had the saddle double checked to make absolutely sure it fits perfectly. It does. Not the problem.
Today we had a physiotherapist check on Caven's back and she found several severe blockades in his backbone and muscles, that cause him a lot of pain... That's it. This. This is the reason why he didn't want me to climb on his back. Because he was in pain, and has been for a long time, according to the therapist.
Looks like we were sold a horse that had been ridden with an unfitting saddle for MONTHS. No wonder he didn't want to take it anymore. The fact that our saddle fit, didn't help, of course. He was in pain. All this while.
Why the vet never saw this is beyond me. I'm so angry. At that vet, at the dealer, at the previous owner who did this to Caven... At what I did to Caven... I rode him, even though he was in pain. I didn't know, but that doesn't make it any better. I feel awful.
The therapist treated Caven (as best as she could, because he wouldn't let himself be touched at his hindlegs) and showed me how I can massage his back in the next couple of days. I can't ride him for a week, and frankly, that is more than fine with me. She said it would take a few weeks for the blockades to disappear completely and she's gonna come back to treat him a second time, to make sure he is absolutely fine.
I'm glad we had her check on Caven. I would've had another lesson with my trainer this Saturday and we would've hurt him...
I feel incredibly guilty. I hope Caven will be able to forgive me. I hope he will get better soon. That's the only thing that matters now.
Caven is enjoying the hell out of the back massages I give him every day. Well-deserved.