The new horse
A new horse does not erase old pain. I didn't think it would, I'm not that stupid. But what I hadn't anticipated at all was how much worse it could make the pain sometimes...
I miss Grenny dearly and I could still cry every single day. I try not to. Because I own a beautiful, adorable and lovely horse that makes me feel loved and happy. But it also makes me realize, painfully, what I lost. What I used to have.
Grenny and I, we were friends...
Silly me. I'm trying to put this into words, but every time I fail. There are no words. I just cannot tell you what Grenny meant to me and how much his loss is hurting me. Even now.
I'm trying so hard to love Caven. I truly am. And I do love him. But it is not the same thing and I'm starting to doubt that it'll ever be.
Caven is the new horse that nearly everyone at the barn had congratulated me on buying. He's the new horse that everyone wanted to hear, know and talk about. Everyone came to take a look at him and he earned a ton of compliments for his astonishing looks, and we did too, for having made such an excellent choice.
Everyone was excited and in high spirits, and of course, I was too. At first. But after hearing "congratulations on your new horse!" for the umpteenth time, it suddenly started to hurt.
I'm not trying to replace Grenny. He can never be replaced. And as far as I'm concerned I didn't buy a "new horse". I bought a horse. And it did, in fact, feel like the first time I ever bought a horse. Because that is exactly what I did. That is all I did. I bought a horse.
When I bought Grenny, he had already been my friend. I just made sure he could stay with me.
Technically, it's the same thing. Emotionally, it's not.
It hurts me to write this, to even think this, but every time I look at Caven, all I see is a horse. And I feel horribly guilty that I don't love him the same way I loved Grenny. Maybe I can't yet. Maybe I will some time in the future. All I know is that it pains me, because Caven deserves to be loved in the same way.
It's not easy, and I feel like I'm being somewhat distant towards Caven for simply treating him like a horse. Which is fucking stupid, if you think about it for a second, because he IS a horse. And he's a happy horse at that. He has a good home, loving owners, he's being well taken care of round and about.
Caven is not troubled at all. I am. Caven doesn't mind being refered to as "the new horse". I do.
I wanted to have a horse. I needed to have a horse. And I am really and truly happy that I have one now. But at the same time it makes me painfully aware that that's all I have. A horse.
I'm missing a friend. And no amount of horses will make that feeling go away. I honestly didn't think it would, but I guess I also didn't think it would make it so much worse at times.
It'll take time. I will never stop missing Grenny, but I'm sure Caven and I can become friends, too. All we need is time, and lots of it.
And while Caven can't be what Grenny used to be for me, the simple fact that I have him, is already doing a whole lot for me, and I am truly grateful for that. Ever since he came into my life, the panic attacks stopped, and the single symptoms that started coming back every time I tried to communicate with people are resolving, almost stopped completely, too. It's fascinating, even to myself, but I knew this would happen. I was counting on it.
I can't get my old friend back. I can only try to make a new one. And while doing so, I can enjoy all the things I missed so dearly when I lost Grenny. And yes, believe it or not, that does include shoveling horse shit. I enjoy cleaning Caven's stall. Every day. It makes me happy.
Not my "new horse". He's my confidence booster!
I miss Grenny dearly and I could still cry every single day. I try not to. Because I own a beautiful, adorable and lovely horse that makes me feel loved and happy. But it also makes me realize, painfully, what I lost. What I used to have.
Grenny and I, we were friends...
Silly me. I'm trying to put this into words, but every time I fail. There are no words. I just cannot tell you what Grenny meant to me and how much his loss is hurting me. Even now.
I'm trying so hard to love Caven. I truly am. And I do love him. But it is not the same thing and I'm starting to doubt that it'll ever be.
Caven is the new horse that nearly everyone at the barn had congratulated me on buying. He's the new horse that everyone wanted to hear, know and talk about. Everyone came to take a look at him and he earned a ton of compliments for his astonishing looks, and we did too, for having made such an excellent choice.
Everyone was excited and in high spirits, and of course, I was too. At first. But after hearing "congratulations on your new horse!" for the umpteenth time, it suddenly started to hurt.
I'm not trying to replace Grenny. He can never be replaced. And as far as I'm concerned I didn't buy a "new horse". I bought a horse. And it did, in fact, feel like the first time I ever bought a horse. Because that is exactly what I did. That is all I did. I bought a horse.
When I bought Grenny, he had already been my friend. I just made sure he could stay with me.
Technically, it's the same thing. Emotionally, it's not.
It hurts me to write this, to even think this, but every time I look at Caven, all I see is a horse. And I feel horribly guilty that I don't love him the same way I loved Grenny. Maybe I can't yet. Maybe I will some time in the future. All I know is that it pains me, because Caven deserves to be loved in the same way.
It's not easy, and I feel like I'm being somewhat distant towards Caven for simply treating him like a horse. Which is fucking stupid, if you think about it for a second, because he IS a horse. And he's a happy horse at that. He has a good home, loving owners, he's being well taken care of round and about.
Caven is not troubled at all. I am. Caven doesn't mind being refered to as "the new horse". I do.
I wanted to have a horse. I needed to have a horse. And I am really and truly happy that I have one now. But at the same time it makes me painfully aware that that's all I have. A horse.
I'm missing a friend. And no amount of horses will make that feeling go away. I honestly didn't think it would, but I guess I also didn't think it would make it so much worse at times.
It'll take time. I will never stop missing Grenny, but I'm sure Caven and I can become friends, too. All we need is time, and lots of it.
And while Caven can't be what Grenny used to be for me, the simple fact that I have him, is already doing a whole lot for me, and I am truly grateful for that. Ever since he came into my life, the panic attacks stopped, and the single symptoms that started coming back every time I tried to communicate with people are resolving, almost stopped completely, too. It's fascinating, even to myself, but I knew this would happen. I was counting on it.
I can't get my old friend back. I can only try to make a new one. And while doing so, I can enjoy all the things I missed so dearly when I lost Grenny. And yes, believe it or not, that does include shoveling horse shit. I enjoy cleaning Caven's stall. Every day. It makes me happy.
Not my "new horse". He's my confidence booster!