ive got it made....only if "it" happens to be a ditch for me to crawl up into and die.
Just perfect.
the events of the past week have sent my life into a downward spiral of misery and rage. pleas allow me to elaborate. on the 8th things were going smooth...it was an early dismissal day and we were getting home early, and it was great because i was assigned to a new bus so i didnt have to ride home on the floor(although i have to do it every morning!!).
this meant that i was the first stop, and i got home around 1:30, but on this day, getting home wasnt filled with the absence of my family (although the details prove that not all of my family is present), no, on this day i came home to my dad sitting on the back porch, staring off into the distance.
my dad is only home on these days when he was rained out because his work consisted of him being outside for a long time, he stared at the back yard and i asked him what he was doing. he said in a voice that seemed distant and unclear, "baby (my dog) got hit by a car."
i didnt even understand him when he said it...it was as if it didnt register in my mind. then he said it twice more.
on the third try he got through to me. it was as if i did not believe him...but then i saw the makeshift cross in the farthest point in my backyard. it brought shock to my entire body...this is not the tip of the iceberg.
two days later fate's brutal net caught me at my worst.
on friday my mom just DECIDED to bail on her own family and stealing my dads check, leaving me to use my hard earned money to feed my ungrateful family with my last thirty bucks, which was meant for new clothes.
by monday i contacted my mother and recieved 80 bucks(the remainder of a $350 check) and i( the only responsible one of 3 men) saw myself fit for management of the money, after my dad got his hands on 30 of it which he used for beer and cigarettes. this led me to the point of utterly hating everything and everyone around me.
managing the money was easy...getting everyone to respect my decisions was the tough part. my dad needed so much money a day for cigarettes and my brother needed so much for food...(even though he has a job, he just wastes all of his money on movies rather then spend it on food of his own. that mooch is twenty and he still lives at home, whatta bastard, he wont stop ruining my life.) if i didnt comply with what they wanted they would make comments like, "its not your money to manage!" hearing that cut through me like a hot knife.
if the drunk got to manage the money...it would all be spent on beer...none of it for the family.
if the loser got to manage the money...all of it would be spent on bullshit stuff...and i would eat less than i already do, given my current situation.
now it is wed. and the money is out. my dad will get paid and he will keep the money for himself.
he told me himself that i was "fucked."
should i just blow my brains out now or let my current situation devour my mind, body, and soul?
indeed i am "fucked."
the events of the past week have sent my life into a downward spiral of misery and rage. pleas allow me to elaborate. on the 8th things were going smooth...it was an early dismissal day and we were getting home early, and it was great because i was assigned to a new bus so i didnt have to ride home on the floor(although i have to do it every morning!!).
this meant that i was the first stop, and i got home around 1:30, but on this day, getting home wasnt filled with the absence of my family (although the details prove that not all of my family is present), no, on this day i came home to my dad sitting on the back porch, staring off into the distance.
my dad is only home on these days when he was rained out because his work consisted of him being outside for a long time, he stared at the back yard and i asked him what he was doing. he said in a voice that seemed distant and unclear, "baby (my dog) got hit by a car."
i didnt even understand him when he said it...it was as if it didnt register in my mind. then he said it twice more.
on the third try he got through to me. it was as if i did not believe him...but then i saw the makeshift cross in the farthest point in my backyard. it brought shock to my entire body...this is not the tip of the iceberg.
two days later fate's brutal net caught me at my worst.
on friday my mom just DECIDED to bail on her own family and stealing my dads check, leaving me to use my hard earned money to feed my ungrateful family with my last thirty bucks, which was meant for new clothes.
by monday i contacted my mother and recieved 80 bucks(the remainder of a $350 check) and i( the only responsible one of 3 men) saw myself fit for management of the money, after my dad got his hands on 30 of it which he used for beer and cigarettes. this led me to the point of utterly hating everything and everyone around me.
managing the money was easy...getting everyone to respect my decisions was the tough part. my dad needed so much money a day for cigarettes and my brother needed so much for food...(even though he has a job, he just wastes all of his money on movies rather then spend it on food of his own. that mooch is twenty and he still lives at home, whatta bastard, he wont stop ruining my life.) if i didnt comply with what they wanted they would make comments like, "its not your money to manage!" hearing that cut through me like a hot knife.
if the drunk got to manage the money...it would all be spent on beer...none of it for the family.
if the loser got to manage the money...all of it would be spent on bullshit stuff...and i would eat less than i already do, given my current situation.
now it is wed. and the money is out. my dad will get paid and he will keep the money for himself.
he told me himself that i was "fucked."
should i just blow my brains out now or let my current situation devour my mind, body, and soul?
indeed i am "fucked."