Now you get it? Good..Me Neither.
I hate this.
(what is this?)
This sucks.
(what is this?)
This needs to stop.
(what is this?)
This is making me miserable.
(what is this?)
This is tearing me apart.
(what is this?)
This is hurting everyone I love.
(what is this?)
This is making me mean.
(what is this?)
As of one hour ago I have been in my second serious physical fight.
The first one being with my mother.
The second one being with my father.
And let me tell you.
My mom's a big woman, but he's not scared to hit me as hard as he can.
Yup, that'll be a bruise tomorrow.
I almost blacked out with pain when he grabbed my upper arm.
Right where my most recent cuts are.
I'll be throwing that bloody shirt away aswell.
*sigh*
I was mad at my mom for (as I put it) "cheating" to find out all of this stuff about me.
Then she read that last entry like I new she would.
Then she had my dad read it.
Then he called me a whore.
The I threw my half-eaten hamburger at him.
Then he ran at full spead and pushed me into the wall.
Then I tried defending myself by punching him.
Then he restricted my arms to that I couldn't hit him.
Then we all had a yelling match.
(I think I won for volume, rudeness, and obscenity)
Then I went upstairs and put a few more dents in my wall.
Then mom came up, face full of tears and made me feel guilty.
We talked for an hour.
I tell you, I don't think I've ever spoken so deeply to her.
She was telling me all about how she wants so much to protect me.
How she doesn't want to "let me go" until she's sure that I'll be safe and make good decisions.
How she doesn't want to let me shoulder all this pain.
I've never felt so connected to her, so...understanding.
I mean, this is how I feel about Jess. About Amelia. About all my friends.
If I could I would take away all their pain and put it on my chest.
I would die for any of them, for any reason.
But I realized something when my mom said that.
Or more like I admitted something.
No matter how much I might want to take away Jess' pain. Amelia's pain. Marissa's pain. Leah's pain. Sarah's pain. Every good person's pain.
And no matter how much my mom wants to take away my pain.
I can't..She can't..We can't.
And if we try, we're only doomed to exhaust ourselves and "fail".
It is a fatal thing, being an "emotional magnet"
It can lead to the insanity of many people. Both good and bad alike.
I think I am unfortunately as my parents say, on "the pathway" to insanity. Insanity or something like it.
So I told myself. And I spoke out loud, because I now realize that she needs to here it too.
I said that we cannot stop the suffering of the ones we love. Well, certainly if we are the one who causes said pain we can sure as hell succeed. We can burden ourselves with others' pain. There's no doubt about that. My heart is consumed with the troubles of loved ones. But we cannot however banish theirs.
And now I admit to that.
And I surrender to our minds.
The human race is doomed to fail.
But we've held on for this long.
There's got to be something to it.
Directly, humans commit crimes of homicide. Kill other people.
Indirectly though, we are really just commiting the ultimate suicide.
Leaving now, to go do something to take my mind off of this.
(what is this?)
Have you figured out what this is yet?
No.
(what is this?)
This sucks.
(what is this?)
This needs to stop.
(what is this?)
This is making me miserable.
(what is this?)
This is tearing me apart.
(what is this?)
This is hurting everyone I love.
(what is this?)
This is making me mean.
(what is this?)
As of one hour ago I have been in my second serious physical fight.
The first one being with my mother.
The second one being with my father.
And let me tell you.
My mom's a big woman, but he's not scared to hit me as hard as he can.
Yup, that'll be a bruise tomorrow.
I almost blacked out with pain when he grabbed my upper arm.
Right where my most recent cuts are.
I'll be throwing that bloody shirt away aswell.
*sigh*
I was mad at my mom for (as I put it) "cheating" to find out all of this stuff about me.
Then she read that last entry like I new she would.
Then she had my dad read it.
Then he called me a whore.
The I threw my half-eaten hamburger at him.
Then he ran at full spead and pushed me into the wall.
Then I tried defending myself by punching him.
Then he restricted my arms to that I couldn't hit him.
Then we all had a yelling match.
(I think I won for volume, rudeness, and obscenity)
Then I went upstairs and put a few more dents in my wall.
Then mom came up, face full of tears and made me feel guilty.
We talked for an hour.
I tell you, I don't think I've ever spoken so deeply to her.
She was telling me all about how she wants so much to protect me.
How she doesn't want to "let me go" until she's sure that I'll be safe and make good decisions.
How she doesn't want to let me shoulder all this pain.
I've never felt so connected to her, so...understanding.
I mean, this is how I feel about Jess. About Amelia. About all my friends.
If I could I would take away all their pain and put it on my chest.
I would die for any of them, for any reason.
But I realized something when my mom said that.
Or more like I admitted something.
No matter how much I might want to take away Jess' pain. Amelia's pain. Marissa's pain. Leah's pain. Sarah's pain. Every good person's pain.
And no matter how much my mom wants to take away my pain.
I can't..She can't..We can't.
And if we try, we're only doomed to exhaust ourselves and "fail".
It is a fatal thing, being an "emotional magnet"
It can lead to the insanity of many people. Both good and bad alike.
I think I am unfortunately as my parents say, on "the pathway" to insanity. Insanity or something like it.
So I told myself. And I spoke out loud, because I now realize that she needs to here it too.
I said that we cannot stop the suffering of the ones we love. Well, certainly if we are the one who causes said pain we can sure as hell succeed. We can burden ourselves with others' pain. There's no doubt about that. My heart is consumed with the troubles of loved ones. But we cannot however banish theirs.
And now I admit to that.
And I surrender to our minds.
The human race is doomed to fail.
But we've held on for this long.
There's got to be something to it.
Directly, humans commit crimes of homicide. Kill other people.
Indirectly though, we are really just commiting the ultimate suicide.
Leaving now, to go do something to take my mind off of this.
(what is this?)
Have you figured out what this is yet?
No.