find nothing but faith in nothing
So we had a talk today. Not an in-person talk, just a long drawn out email conversation. That seems to be the only way we can communicate. Where do we stand now? I have no fucking clue. She mentioned helping me buy a bed so I could just sleep in the guestroom that has become my library and place to stash shit we don't want company to see. She doesn't want to kick me out because then she'd have to pay the full share of rent, and she can't afford that. I checked craigslist and my old apartment building has a one-bedroom available. Maybe I'll just go there. If we could get out of our lease, we'd be broken up by now.
It hurts. She says she doesn't mean to hurt me and she knows she hasn't been perfect in all of this, but it still hurts. If we could part ways, we would, that's how desperate and awful things are with us. I try to do things right, but its not enough. I just suck at relationships. We were best friends before this, now we need time apart. I just hope this doesn't cause our friendship to end because she's about all I have right now.
Sure, I've got other friends and my family, but I've never told my other friends what is going on in my head. I don't know that they'd judge me, but I still don't want to have that conversation with them. My family knows about my issues, but if something happens soon, they'll blame her even though its not her fault.
Truth is, I've been having symptoms for a couple weeks now. The voice is back. Today I saw a demon in the ceiling at work. Then it was a baby, and then it was a monkey. I've been holding on to her because she keeps me grounded. For what its worth, I need her. I just can't keep her and nothing I seem to do is what I need to do.
It hurts. She says she doesn't mean to hurt me and she knows she hasn't been perfect in all of this, but it still hurts. If we could part ways, we would, that's how desperate and awful things are with us. I try to do things right, but its not enough. I just suck at relationships. We were best friends before this, now we need time apart. I just hope this doesn't cause our friendship to end because she's about all I have right now.
Sure, I've got other friends and my family, but I've never told my other friends what is going on in my head. I don't know that they'd judge me, but I still don't want to have that conversation with them. My family knows about my issues, but if something happens soon, they'll blame her even though its not her fault.
Truth is, I've been having symptoms for a couple weeks now. The voice is back. Today I saw a demon in the ceiling at work. Then it was a baby, and then it was a monkey. I've been holding on to her because she keeps me grounded. For what its worth, I need her. I just can't keep her and nothing I seem to do is what I need to do.