Life Quotes
It's been a while since I updated so my collection has gotten rather expansive. Things you can expect under the cut: Pseudo-philosophical musings, riffing on movies and TV, deadpan snarking, cameos from my family, running jokes and the casual insanity of suburban life.
Me: How did the expression "Falling off the wagon" come about anyway? I mean why are all attempts to break addiction undertaken while traveling on a severely oudated vehicle, or are there some group of people out there manufacturing wagons specifically for this purpose? If there are, maybe they should get off the wagon-building wagon.
Me: *listening to a song* "Dance like it's the last night of your life" ... How would, 'desperately seeking a cure to a deadly disease and/or a way to prevent the imminent apocalypse' translate as a dance move?
Me: You know the old drug PSA where they hold up an egg and say "This is your brain", then procede to smash the egg and tell you that it represents the consequences that will unfold should you engage in modern drug culture. Well my brain isn't like their brain. I think if you were going to do that PSA with me, you have to say "This is your brain" and hold up an accordion or a kumquat or a book of poetry that's all about filthy gay sex.
Me: One thing I have learned from watching shows like American Idol and the X Factor is that it's not a good idea to choose a song that will take on an ironic twist if you happen to leave the competition that week. 'Going down in a blaze of glory', 'I'm still standing', 'I don't wanna miss a thing'. These are songs that should be avoided, for to sing them is to tempt fate.
Me: I have spent a disproportionate amount of my time recently contemplating what my life would be like if I were a '50s East End gangster, with a knack for lockpicking and theft, named Shylock; who doubled either as a lawyer or a lounge singer/violinist. It's that last detail that I can't quite decide between and damnit I'm not putting this daydream to rest until I have.
Me: Okay. Time for Plan D.
Sam: What's Plan D?
Me: Plan C failed, so I'm going back to Plan B.
Sam: Didn't you go to Plan C because Plan B failed?
Me: I only went to Plan B after Plan A failed; and Plan C was only a reprise of Plan A to begin with. I've decided that B was where it's at and so I'm sticking with it.
Sam: You really have too many plans.
Me: You won't be saying that when I'm global ruler of the Earth.
Sam: As opposed to global ruler of Mars?
Me: I'll start with Earth and then work my way towards Mars... but of course I'll need a Plan.
LATER
Me: Okay, Plan D fell through so it's onto Plan E.
Sam: Let me guess, Plan E is a reprise of Plan C.
Me: Which in turn was a reprise of Plan A, so from a strictly chronological perspective this plan is ACE.
Me: What's that smell?
Dad: Mark broke the blender trying to mix spices together.
Me: Why was he trying to do that?
Dad: He wanted to smoke it to get high.
Me: ... He didn't read Dune recently by any chance?
(Dad was talking about a woman at the electronics shop who convinced him not to buy a cable with the new TV even though it later turned out to be needed)
Mark: She was clearly a noob.
Me: Please don't use the word noob. It's bad enough in gaming culture without making it a part of your vernacular.
Mark: Why shouldn't I use words like noob when you're gonna make up words like that.
Me: Vernacular is a perfectly cromulent word.
Mark: What the fuck does cromulent mean?
Me: Well that one was actually a joke, but I guess it went over your head.
Yasmin: Hold on, I've got something in my shoe. *takes off shoe and upends it, a two pence coin falls out*
Hanna: *laughing* Only Yasmin could take off her clothes and produce money. *beat* I didn't mean it like that.
Alex: In history lots of teachers have gone on to become leaders, like Optimus Prime.
Hanna: *deadpan* Yeah, I remember when the decepticons invaded. Glad that's over.
Yasmin: I hope we don't bump into any of Midge's friends while we're in Wycombe.
Hanna: It's not like she can claim the town in the divorce.
Yasmin: *laugh* That's true.
Me: It sucks that they closed The Final Level.
Hanna: You can still get games from GAME.
Me: Nah, I mostly get my games from- Ooh grape soda.
Hanna: You get your games from grape soda?
Me: Short attention span.
Yasmin: Most emo songs come with a long intro. You've gotta give them a chance to warm up their razorblades.
Hanna: It's weird hanging out again. I've been having to act like an adult for so long I'm not sure how to be immature. Say something to help me be immature.
Me: Some people are born immature, some learn it and others have it thrust upon them.
Hanna: *giggle* Thrust.
Me: You're fine.
Me: Why are you watching New Moon?
Sam: I wanna watch the part where Edward throws Bella across the room and into a table.
Me: I accept this response.
Sam: You know, most of the problems in this movie would be resolved if Edward just turned her into a vampire.
Me: Yeah, but to Stephenie Meyer it's all a big metaphor for sex. Turning her into a vampire counts as sex, so he can't do it before they're married.
(On screen the couple are having their dramatic break-up)
Bella: Why won't you let me go with you.
Edward: Because I don't want you to come.
Me: *laugh* You see my point.
Hanna: I went to a Catholic church once.
Me: Is there any more to that story?
Hanna: Not really.
Hanna: Growing up sucks. When you're a kid everything's good because you're too young to know any better. When you're a teenager everything sucks and people hate you and you're the only good thing on the planet. When you're an adult you have to realize that everything comes in shades of gray and there really is no good or evil.
Hanna: *looking out the bus window at an insurance agency* Wow, it looks identical to the one we have in our town.
Me: *looking* Hm, you're right. It's the same company though, so that's why the store front is the same.
Hanna: But even the desks look the same.
Me: Maybe they have a company layout plan.
Hanna: Even the people at the desks look the same.
Me: *shrugs* Those people don't have souls.
Sam: David, has Mark ordered some food or something?
Me: *deadpan* Um, I'm not sure. Let me just check my psychic hotline.
Me: *inspecting Star Wars merchandise* Ugh, look at this crap. George Lucas must be rolling in his grave.
Dad: George Lucas isn't dead.
Me: *pause* I shall have to remedy this situation.
Me: If, on my deathbed, I find myself in a world where sexual orientation is a non-issue; if the future LGBTQ generations will not have to live in fear, secrecy or confusion, then I shall meet death gladly. For I shall have no regret in the way of that world.
Me: I both zent and resent that remark, in fact I would go so far as to say that I zent it in triplicate.
Matt: There's a musical adaptation of Ghost going on in Picadilly Circus.
Me: Ghost, as in the film with Patrick Swayze and Whoopi Goldberg; and the cheesey scene with the pottery wheel?
Matt: Yup.
Me: L-O-L. I seriously hope I'm Henry VIII, I am appears in the song list.
Hanna: It's so cold and windy out today that my eyes are watering, so when I went into the shop this morning the guy at the counter asked me what was wrong. I tried to explain it was the weather, but he just glanced out at the drizzle and said "It's not that bad, is it?"
Bec: Why yes, I am an evil genius.
Me: Are you certified with Evil Mensa?
Bec: Perhaps, but I may have to kill you.
Me: *twirling fingers through my goattee* It's just not a real beard unless you can twirl it.
Hanna: *eyes shortness of my facial hair skeptically* Well I guess you don't have a real beard then.
Me: *death glare*
Me: *in response to an advert for Toy Story 3 on DVD* We have to get that. Mum might say to leave it til Christmas, but fuck that; I am not waiting until then to see Toy Story 3!
(Sam asked for a summary of the Glee episode, 'The Substitute')
Me: ... so the Glee club end up liking her more than Mr. Schuester.
Sam: Wait, all of them?
Me: Well, no not all of them.
Sam: Yeah, coz I mean Finn totally bums Mr. Schue.
Me: *beat* In fanfic he does.
Me: Is the television at 25 to 5 in the morning any better than the television at 3 in the morning?
Mark: No, I've been watching and it's actually gotten significantly worse. I'm watching this and I don't even know what the fuck it is.
(On screen a presenter is giving bland narration about a very deep hole)
Presenter: ...the Ancient Greeks used to call this pit the equivalent to a gateway to Hell and since then it has only eroded and become deeper. It would take a very long time to reach the bottom.
Me: I could make it in under a minute. Of course, I wouldn't exactly get to the bottom intact but he really should've clarified that it takes a long time to climb to the bottom.
Sam: I think Mark's bored.
Me: Why do you say that?
Sam: He said he's thinking of watching the Lord of the Rings trilogy in one sitting.
Me: That's not bored, that's suicidal. You have to hate life to even try and watch those movies anymore, let alone all at once.
Mark: Wait a minute, how does Shelob stab Frodo if he's wearing mithril?
Me: Maybe it ties up at the back and there's a gap.
Mark: But it stabs him in the front, watch.
(On screen, Shelob does indeed proceed to stab Frodo in the front with her stinger)
Me: *thoughtful, then suddenly animated* She stabbed him in the crotch!
Mark: Hm, it actually kinda does look like he's been hit in the nuts.
(As Eowyn raises her sword to stab the Witch King)
Eowyn: I am no man.
Me: *heroic booming voice* Fear my mighty vagina!
Me: Why are the orcs gonna give the mithril to Sauron? I mean it's not like he's gonna be like, "Wow, this silver shirt goes really well with my enormous orange eyeball!"
Me: Switchblade vagina? As if ladybits didn't freak me out enough already.
Bec: *enlightening me about Turducken* It's a turkey with a duck inside it and there's a chicken inside the duck.
Me: The fuck? Multi-layers are for carparks, not poultry.
Me: Brain melting is a useful power. It allows you to feed zombies who don't have teeth or good quality dentures.
Me: Love. Love in huge quantities. Seasons of Love even! 525600 minutes of Love.
Bec: The pepsi really did a number of you, huh?
Me: I don't have to focus my sanity anymore, so I'm enjoying the relapse and freedom of being able to indulge in delirium.
Me: *reading a list of pointless superpowers* "The power to mentally control houseflies". Why is that a pointless superpower. I'd use it to be a supervillain, and they would call me "The Swarm".
Yasmin: Kaylie is demanding that we learn the Single Ladies dance routine.
Me: Tell Kaylie I'm one step ahead and already have some of the choreography down.
Bec: Here's a bit of advice for you, never buy a bed with a wooden underframe.
Me: Uncomfortable?
Bec: No, just a pain in the ass.
Me: Isn't that what I said? *da-dum-tish*
Me: *attempts to throw an empty bottle into the bin from six feet away and misses* Fuck! If we ever end up in a zombie apocalypse scenario, nobody leave me in charge of the grenades.
Hanna: I was talking to a German guy online and when he found out I lived in Buckinghamshire he asked how close to the palace I lived. At first I was confused, then I realized he must have meant Buckingham Palace, which made me wonder; why do they call it that?
Me: Maybe it was built by a guy named Buckingham?
Hanna: You don't know.
Me: A few weeks ago, I had to ask my parents what Hannukah was about. Why do people expect me to know everything?
Me: What do you think they call exotic juice in the countries the fruit comes from?
Sam: Millions of fruits mixed together juice? I don't know.
Bec: Preaching to the choir, my brother. Preaching to the motherfucking choir.
Me: A motherfucking choir doesn't sound very holy, though I bet they could hit some high notes.
(Watching Rebecca's performance of 'Sweet Dreams' on the X Factor)
Sam: Any minute now some freaky dancers are gonna come on.
(Literally the instant he finishes speaking, a troupe of GaGa-esque dancers make their way out onto the stage)
Sam: See.
Me: *laughing myself silly*
Me: *watching Splice* Wait, she has wings now? You can't just go sprouting body parts all willy-nilly.
Hanna: I can't believe you just used the phrase 'willy-nilly'.
Me: I'm just hoping she doesn't grow a willy-nilly.
Me: *while talking about jobs* Auntie Paula recommended I go into Law.
Mark: You wouldn't make a good laywer. You've got too much personality, and a soul.
Mark: I wanna go to Amsterdam for my 21st. You wanna come?
Me: Why would I want to go to Amsterdam, it's the sex and prostitution capital of Europe.
Mark: I'm not going for the sex and prostitution, I'm going for the drugs.
(I just think this conversation sums my brother up neatly)
Me: It's really annoying how the news only ever talks about healthcare when something bad's happened, like: "And now over to some guy who had the wrong leg amputated." Just once I'd love the news to be like, "Now over to the hospital, where the medical professionals of our country are doing a great job. Way to go guys!"
Me: Getting spunk in your eye is one of the worst things ever.
Hanna: You know why it hurts though, right?
Me: Yeah, the lining of the eyeball is similar to the membrane of an egg cell and so the sperm tries to inseminate it.
Hanna: Would you have my eye-baby?
Me: What's the point? We'd just get sued by the Apple corporation for stealing their brand.
Me: I got a review on one of my Buffy fics on DeviantArt. It was really funny because she- I'm assuming it's a she because...
Hanna: With fanfic it usually is.
Me: *nodding* Anyway, she said "In this story you got rid of the Xander marrying Anya thing. Is that okay? Are you allowed to do that?" Like it was something really scandalous. I wanted to be like, "It's fanfiction, bitch. I can do what the hell I want." But it was clear it was some misguided new person who'd only just found fanfic so I explained the concept of acceptable breaks from canon to her.
Jamie: *indicating my beard* So were you going for a cavalier look?
Me: I was aiming for artful bohemian, but it sort of failed.
Yasmin: This is really cool! *holds up Warhammer model of a giant land worm*
Me: All I can think is "The Spice must flow".
Hanna: *laughs*
Me: You have seen Dune, right?
Hanna: Yes, I was just surprised that you'd referenced it.
Hanna: *looking at the toy exhibit in the museum* The toys I used to play with are on display, now I feel really old.
Me: Well, 1991 was two decades ago now.
Hanna: Don't remind me.
Me: ... I have very malleable feet.
Hanna: That was a weird conversation to come in on the end of.
Me: Most of my conversations are weird to come in on the end of.
Hanna: It's a very summery winter day.
Me: Yeah. I look stupid wearing this hat when it's so warm out, but then I look stupid wearing this hat even when it's cold.
Me: I've been playing Final Fantasy XII a lot recently, but I stopped playing after I couldn't finish a hunt. I got the mark and it was a bunny, I thought to myself "How hard can a bunny rabbit be?" and then it killed me.
Yasmin: Was it the rabbit from Monty Python and the Holy Grail? "It's only a rabbit!"
Me: I had a dream last night that the three of us *gestures to include Yasmin and Hanna* went to a chip shop and they wouldn't sell me a hamburger because I wasn't wearing pants.
Jamie: American pants or...?
Me: Yeah, I mean I was wearing underwear.
Yasmin: *dialing a number on Hanna's phone* It says the number does not exist.
Me: Did you dial the square root of negative 1?
Yasmin: *pointing to a TV in a shop window* Look Herbal City.
Me: I think you mean Holby City.
Yasmin: What did I say?
Me: Herbal City.
Yasmin: Hm, "You have chlamydia, well have some green tea."
Me: "I need 60 ccs of oregano, stat!"
Yasmin: I can't think of any more herbs.
Me: Parsley, dill, rosemary, basil, taragon...
Hanna: Sage.
Yasmin: I need one that starts with A to replace adrenaline.
Me: *thinking*
Hanna: Alsatians!
Me: Aniseed.
Hanna: Well, that's better that a shot of alsatians, I guess.
Me: *mimes injection* Woof!
Yasmin: *still watching Holby City* That's a very badly acted coma.
Hanna: How can you act a coma badly?
Me: Well, this would be a very badly acted coma: *dances about wildly, swinging arms and kicking energetically*
Hanna: That cookie has a hair on it.
Me: *picking the hair off* Ew. Okay, I'm not eating this now. *puts the cookie back in it's paper bag*
Hanna: You could take it home, give it to one of your family.
Me: I wouldn't want Mark to get sick. He owes me ten bucks and he can't pay me back if he dies.
Me: *looking at a display of Pepsi Max in LIDL* Two liter bottles, a buck each. I may have to come back here... with a trolley!
Lauren: *reading a book about tantric sex* What's a tantric wedding ceremony?
Me: It lasts three hours and nobody enjoys themself... y'know, just like a regular wedding!
Me: *reading through the tantric sex book* Ugh, I hate the word 'goddess' to refer to women. I'm all for women feeling empowered, loving themselves and their body, but it's so arrogant. If a guy said "I am a god" he'd get sneered at.
(Watching Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith)
Anakin: We cannot kill him, he must stand trial.
Me: Wait a minute, didn't he kill Dooku at the start of the movie just because Palpatine told him to? There was no trial then, where's this come from all of a sudden?
Anakin: *a moment later after Palpatine has overcome Mace Windu because of Anakin's interruption* I shall serve you as my master now, oh great Sith Lord.
Me: What is this shit? He was going to put the guy on trial like less than a minute ago and he just watched the guy kill a Jedi Master, why isn't he murdering the ever loving shit out of this evil asshole!
(Watching an episode of Star Wars: The Clone Wars)
Me: Hold on a minute, those Jedi just got beaten by an assassin?
Sam: If you don't recognise the Jedi, they're only there to be killed.
Me: So they're the Jedi equivalent of Redshirts?
Sam: Pretty much.
(Looking through old photographs)
Me: It's weird seeing pictures of Dad before his hair went grey.
Mark: It's weird seeing pictures of Dad from when he had hair.
Me: *looking at a picture of me as a baby* Is that corduroy?
Mum: Yes.
Me: *accusatory* You dressed me in corduroy?
(A few pictures later)
Me: And a cardigan?
Mum: Okay, you want to see bad outfits? *rummages through the photos* My first school photo.
Me: Is that tartan?
Mum: Yes, actual tartan.
Me: *laughing like mad* Okay, you win. Nan dressed you far worse than you dressed us.
Me: *looking at a flower-patterned fedora* I should buy this, and wear it with a paisley shirt and corduroy pants to a fashion convention so I can give clothes snobs aneurysms.
Me: *watching Dumbledore and Voldemort shoot long strands of gooey magic at each other from their wands* With the added knowledge that Dumbledore was gay, this is looking suspiciously homosexual right now.
Mark: *pointing to a pop-up ad for porn* See, this is what I get every time I try and load Facebook.
Me: You can't go anywhere on the internet without running into porn. What amuses me is how it reads your ip address and responds accordingly, like 'Busty babes from Aylesbury'. Fuck off is she from Aylesbury, she's from Google Image search.
Me: I had egg, beans, bacon and chips for dinner. It made me feel British... and weep for my country's cuisine.
Me: It's cheesey as all hell! *beat* Hm, must be good for fondue.
Bec: Oh. My. God... I have no words. *sends link*
Me: *clicks link through to a picture of 'Penis Pasta'* Ew! ... Pasta.
Hanna: *giving me the lowdown on Yasmin's tattoo plans* ... then she wants to get some lyrics. I'm not sure which lyrics precisely.
Me: *miming drawing across chest* 'ra, ra, ah, ah, ah, ro, ma, ro, mo, ma, ga, ga...'
Hanna: *handing me her bag* Can you hold this?
Me: *looking down at it* I get the duty of holding your bag, what am I your boyfriend?
Radio announcement: It's the Mix 96 9-5 promise, you won't hear the same song twice!
Me: Just the same reassurance that there'll be no replays after every single song.
Mark: This is the best plan ever to stop global warming.
Me: *sardonic disbelief* To construct a giant fridge in the Arctic?
Hanna: I got a lift back to the bus station. It's basically the opposite of what I was taught as a child, but this guy pulled over and asked if I wanted a ride and I don't like walking. He was very friendly, he just wanted someone to talk to. I had a laugh with him, pointed out that he was a stranger and so asked if he had any candy to give me, he said all he had was polos.
Me: *cutting off mid sentence* Hey, free hugs! *tackles the Free Hugs guy*
Hanna: *watching with a wtf stare*
Me: *defensively* It was a free hug.
Hanna: Why do you think the train is running late?
Me: Maybe there's a bomb on the train, and if it goes more than fifty miles per hour- Oh no, wait; that's Speed.
LATER
Hanna: There are a lot of security guards in this shopping center. I wonder why.
Me: Maybe there's a bomb in this shopping center, and if it goes more than fifty miles per hour- Oh no, wait; that's Speed.
Hanna: *laugh* Nice use of that for a second time.
Me: Oh, I love old games.
Mark: What do you mean?
Me: *reading from the installation instructions* 'Full installation takes up 55mb, are you sure you wish to proceed?' *playful sarcasm* Gee, let me check my hard drive.
Me: The Beiber fringe *shudder* It's like the ugly stepsister of the emo fringe.
Me: *about Zapp Branigan* He's like Kirk turned up to the nth degree with all the charm taken out.
Alex: *indicating the backpack of Pepsi I'd been carrying* Is your back okay?
Me: Oh, it's fine. I used to carry all my books for every lesson of the entire week in my schoolbag with me, so I have a strong back. Actually, the worst I've done with it is carry a crate of Carlsberg from mine to your old place.
Alex: Then we shall call you the Carlsberg gnome.
Me: *wtf look*
Alex: Because you're hunched over.
Me: *beat* So if I ever become a superhero, that won't be what I call myself.
Me: My character is a Spirit Healer and Arcane Warrior.
Alex: Where do you unlock the Arcane Warrior class?
Me: It's a side quest. You find an old warrior's spirit trapped in a soul gem and have to smash it to free him, then he gives you the class.
Alex: For a moment there I thought you said soul jam.
Me: *laugh* Yes, you smash the jar, spread the jam onto a sandwich and eat it; that's how you gain his power.
LATER
Hanna: I put meaty pizza in the oven for now, but I can make you a veggie one later.
Gordo: Was that directed at me?
Hanna: Well you're the only vegetarian here.
Me: What about the invisible vegetarian ghost?
Hanna: He's not hungry.
Me: You're right, he likes to nom people's souls. Soul jam is very good on toast.
Me: The next thing I need to buy is an external hard drive.
Hanna: Well that's more sensible that what I spent my money on. I paid someone to permanently scar me.
Me: Yes, but it's not like you'll ever lose your tattoo. "Sorry, have you seen my tattoo?" "Yes, I think it's behind the sofa."
Yasmin: *watching a sex scene between two characters with a sizeable age gap* That's so wrong my vagina is crying.
Yasmin: Does this have mushrooms?
Hanna: Did you not want mushrooms?
Yasmin: I'm allergic.
Hanna: Why didn't you tell me?
Yasmin: I didn't want to be a fuss.
Hanna: Being allergic to something isn't a fuss.
Yasmin: I'm not really allergic, they just make me peuck.
Me: *laugh* Right, so that doesn't count as allergic, why?
Me: *in response to the scene of Johnny Depp dancing at the end of Alice in Wonderland* Ah! Ahh! Ahhhhhh!
Hanna: *laughing at my expense*
Me: Ahhhh! *slaps Hanna* Don't laugh at me. It's so horrible.
Yasmin: Worse than losing The Game?
Me: Ahhhh! *slaps Yasmin*
Me: *putting in the DVD of Inception* I've got a game for us to play while we watch, it's called "Guess my slash pairing!"
Gordo: Every single guy in the movie.
Me: Okay, yes. But I have an OTP.
Gordo: OTP?
Me: One True Pairing. The guys I ship more than everyone else.
Alex: Leonardo DiCaprio and Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Me: Okay, you have to actually watch before you start guessing!
FIVE MINUTES INTO THE MOVIE
Hanna: The two hands of that clock are your pairing.
Me: *stunned pause* Do I even need to say no?
Hanna: *pointing at the screen* Those two.
Me: *looks at Arthur and Mal* Oh yeah, like I'd ship a het pairing.
Gordo: At least she picked two people that time.
Me: Yeah, I guess that's an improvement.
TWENTY MINUTES LATER
Yasmin: Those two.
Me: Will you at least use the characters names?
Yasmin: There are too many.
Me: There's like six characters: Cobb, Eames, Saito and Yusuf. Arthur and Ariadne are back at the warehouse.
Yasmin: Gotcha.
Gordo: Cobb and Arthur?
Me: No.
Alex: *disbelieving* Really?
Me: Yes.
Alex: Because I'm picking subtext for them.
Me: Oh, they have chemistry, but they're not my pairing.
Hanna: Arthur and Eames?
Me: *points two fingers to indicate correct answer*
Hanna: Huh?
Me: You'll see it once they're actually in a scene together.
FIVE MINUTES LATER
Hanna: Wow, slash.
Yasmin: I'm gonna dream tonight. I'm gonna dream in layers!
Me: I hope your projection of me isn't rude to you.